Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in Fifteen Minutes

A few quick notes:

1. I'm posting this in honor of Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Wretchery Day, since I got my book deal because I put my work online for free.

2. The parody includes spoilers for Goblet of Fire (obviously) and at least one major spoiler for Order of the Phoenix. If you're not caught up, beware.

3. Things in this parody have been altered, rearranged, compressed, or left out entirely. When you write a parody, you can do that.

4. "Prisoner of Azkaban in Fifteen Minutes" is here; "Sorcerer's Stone" is in the book. "Chamber of Secrets," to date, has not been written.

5. Feel free to link, quote, or make icons. Please do not repost the entire parody anywhere, period. There's no reason to do that when you can link back here far more easily than reposting a 4000-word piece. By the way: reposting the whole thing without my name on your journal or fanfiction.net? Still stealing. Yes, people have been reported (and not by me, either) and lost ff.net accounts over this. For your own sake, don't do it.

6. It was harder to write than I thought, probably because the movie was 1) actually good and 2) chock-full of plot. But I did my best. Enjoy.