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Movies in Fifteen Minutes - Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
This is, after all, what happens when you cross the streams.
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Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
Before we get started:

1) Other Twilight entries on my cleolinda journal (they tended to get more detailed over the course of the summer): Twilight discussion; New Moon and Eclipse commentaries; Breaking Dawn recap; Midnight Sun recap; final trailer rundown; discussion when I came home from the movie.

2) I also know people are about to inundate me with recs, so let me give you my favorite Twilight links up front and save you the trouble:

Growing Up Cullen
shinga's comic
mspaint_lolz (1) (2)
More comics
The MSN Movies "Lost Script"
28 Reasons That ‘Twilight’ the Movie Is Better Than ‘Twilight’ the Book
4300+ troll comments to a USAWeekend poll (best ones discussed here)

People have already sent me links to almost everything else out there, but those are my favorites.

(I swear I'm doing a Watchmen primer after this just to prove that I can talk about something else.)

ANYWAY. I had a lot of anxiety over how to write this, so I just tried to keep it light and loose. This is also kind of the Illustrated Twilight in Fifteen Minutes, because I'm not sure you would believe me otherwise.


Forks, Washington

[Bella Swan is a clumsy, bookish seventeen-year-old girl who lives in Phoenix until her mother marries a younger baseball player and wanted to go on the road with him, so Bella decides to move back up to the middle of rainy nowhere with her dad Charlie, the Forks chief of police, with whom she actually seems to have a relationship in the movie. Already I am disconcerted because Bella is 500% less whiny and passive-aggressive about it all than she is in the book.]

BELLA: We're gonna be all right, pet cactus. We're gonna be all right.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
PET CACTUS: ...



Hey, It's Bella's Broke-Ass Truck!

CHARLIE: Surprise! I bought my best friend's broke-ass truck for you!

BELLA: Wow, I somehow love it! Thanks, Dad! Thanks, Dad's friend Billy!

BILLY: Oh, and I thought I'd bring my son Jacob over early in the movie, you know, before you meet CREEPY BOYS.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
JACOB: DAAAAAAAD!



Forks High

[So Bella goes to school and the kids immediately seize on her newcomerness, all "Sweet ride!" and "S'up, Arizona!," but they're really charming in a doofy way and some of them are actually not white, if you can believe it. ROLL CALL! Jessica, the bitchy one! Angela, the sweet one! Eric, the goofy Asian kid who wants to go out with Bella! Mike, the goofy white kid who wants to go out with Bella! Tyler, the goofy black kid who drives a van (and also wants to go out with Bella)! Bella's kind of overwhelmed by all the attention but mostly she deals with it and actually learns people's names and it's kind of blowing my mind. WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHAT DID SHE DO WITH BELLA SWAN?]



The Lunchroom of Destiny

[So Bella actually makes friends and if she bitches about them at least we don't hear it. And then the Cullen "foster kids" slooooo-mooooo in, not eating and not talking to anyone else and totally coupled up together all wearing their Very Very Special Cullen Crest Heraldic Jewelry. No wonder everyone at school hates them. ~*ROLL CALL!*~ Rosalie, the bitchy blonde! Emmett, the meathead jock! Alice, who twirls! Jasper, who looks pained!]

[And then... enter Edward.]

EDWARD: *Jaaaaaaames Deaaaaaaans*
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
MIKE: Hey Bella, you want me to walk with you to biology?

BELLA: I'm sorry, you exist?



Biology Class

[There's only one seat open and guess whose table it's at. NO, GUESS. Edward's even sitting in front of a taxidermy owl so it looks like he has wings sprouting from his shoulders. You know. Because he is an angel marble cupcake Adonis. And then he gets a whiff of Bella's outrageous flavor, clutches his nose, and spends the entirety of biology looking like he's going to hurl.]
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: I... I have no self-esteem now.



Somewhere That Wasn't in the Book

[Hey, there are bad vampires and they eat people.]



Charlie's Favorite Diner

[Bella's attempt at stewing over Edward's prolonged, inexplicably jerkassy absence from school is interrupted by half the townsfolk reminiscing about their favorite Bella memories:]

SOME GUY: Look, it's little Isabella Swan!

SOME WAITRESS: Here's that cobbler you loved in fifth grade!

SOME WEIRD FRIEND OF CHARLIE'S: HEY BELLA REMEMBER ME PLAYING SANTA CLAUS?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
CHARLIE: Um, WHEN SHE WAS FOUR?



Hey, Look Who Deigned to Show Up for Biology!

EDWARD: Hello. Please... allow me to introduce... myself. I am... Edward Cullen.

BELLA: Where were you all week? And why were you such a jerk?

EDWARD: I had to... go. Somewhere. For reasons totally unrelated to wanting to kill you.

BELLA: Did you get contacts while you were somewhere? Last week your eyes were black, and this week they are golden melted topaz butterscotch.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: *stares, turns around, leaves*

BELLA: WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?!



Forks High, Parking Lot

[Edward is totally not stalking Bella from across the icy parking lot, no, why do you ask WHEN SUDDENLY HERE COMES TYLER'S DEATH VAN OMG and it is careening at Bella crushwards and suddenly Edward is THERE and he throws her down (unf) and he stops the speeding van with his BARE HAND and then he DAZZLES HER.]




[And then he hops a fence and runs away. Slick.]



St. Forkswhere Hospital

[The doctor attending Bella is really hot young. And he has weirdly blond hair. And melted topaz butterscotch OH HEYYYYYYYY.]

BELLA: It's a good thing Edward was able to leap across the parking lot to save me, wasn't it, Dr. Cullen?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
CARLISLE: It's a good thing you hit your head and no one will believe you, isn't it?

[He smiles so pretty when he's lying.]

[So Bella's leaving the hospital and she comes across Dr. Cullen and Edward and Rosalie having a not-very-secret pow-wow:]

ROSALIE: FUCK YOU, EDWARD! NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN!

CARLISLE: Now, Rosalie, have some compassion...

[So Edward goes to smooth things over with Bella, because he is so good at that.]

EDWARD: What? I was totally standing next to you the whole time.

BELLA: NO YOU WEREN'T BECAUSE YOU NEVER STAND NEXT TO ME SO ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THE TRUTH OR WHAT?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: NO, BECAUSE--NO!

CARLISLE: *facepalm*



Some Field Trip

[To... a greenhouse, to learn about... compost? Hey, you guys wanna come visit my recycling bin next time?]

EDWARD: So... I wanted to apologize for being rude but not for the rudeness of being rude about not being rude, which I am being right now.

BELLA: ...?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: In conclusion, we can't be friends, KTHNXBAI.

BELLA: ...!

[Outside, Bella tries to approach Edward again while everyone's piling onto the buses. Jasper looks pained, but Alice is all excited:]

ALICE: Hi, Bella! I love--

EDWARD: SHUT IT, ALICE

BELLA: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST LET ME DIE FROM SMUSH?

EDWARD: Do you honestly think I'm sorry I saved you from the Death Van? How could you think such a thing? NO YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US!
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A BITCH?!



Epic Romance in the Lunchroom

[After toying with The Hackysack Apple of I See What You Did There, Edward gets to the point, which is not that he doesn't want to be friends, but...]

EDWARD: What if I'm not a superhero? What if... I'm the bad guy?

BELLA: ... Hot.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: *headtray*



Rock Me, Sexy Vampire

[Meanwhile, Shirtless James and the other two Bad Vamps show up and Charlie's weird friend gets dead. Also, James has no shirt. This is important. I mean, just for life in general.]



The Beach, La Push Reservation

[Angela, who is my favorite character after Alice (who is awesome), and Bella are huddled together for warmth while all the other kids go, like, ice-surfing or something.]

ANGELA: I really want to go to the prom with Eric--

BELLA: Not Ben?

ANGELA: Ben? No one named Ben goes to this school. Anyway: ERIC. I want to go with him but he will never ask me, woe.

BELLA: You should ask him yourself! You are a strong, independent woman. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
[I'm sorry, what? Did Bella Swan just call herself independent bond with one of the mundanes? Wonders will never cease.]

[And then Jacob shows up with his as-yet-unfursploded posse, who are all like, did you bring any Cullens? BECAUSE THEY CAN'T COME HERE.]




BELLA: Wait, what?

JACOB: Yeah, there's all these bullshit stories about how my people were descended from wolves and the Cullens were descended from themselves and my miniskirted ancestors made a truce with the Cold Ones back in the days of old or the '30s or something. And they can never, ever come to our beach, so there.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: o_O



Casa de Swan

[So Bella goes home and hits Google and comes up with, like, http:// quileutelegends.com/coldones/vampires_duh.html. She resolves to go to some bookstore in Port Angeles and pick up a book that is relevant to her interests, because apparently Amazon doesn't deliver to Forks.]
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: And that was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen, although for some reason I chose to imagine him lurking in the corner of my room like a complete psychopath.

[Honey, that's what you think.]



Some Dress Shop in Port Angeles

[Angela and Jessica try on prom dresses while Bella sits in the window, not even pretending to pay attention to them.]

JESSICA: So--boobtastic, or just boobalicious?

BELLA: Look, so, I don't actually care about either of you two so I'm gonna go scope some plot-important bookstores now.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
[Ah, this is the Bella I know.]



The Mean Streets of Port Angeles

[After she buys her book--Everything You Wanted to Know About Quileute Legends But Didn't Want to Ask the Werewolf Kid--Bella manages to get cornered by the one gang of roving lowlifes in a small tourist town BUT SUDDENLY Edward swoops in, grabs Bella and charges them with The Vampire Volvo of Great Justice and all the lowlifes are like DAMN THAT HIGH-SCHOOL KID IS HARDCORE. Heigh ho Volvo, away!]



La Hipster Italia

[Look, don't even ask me what's up with the waitress's hair, I don't know.]

EDWARD: I FEEL VERY PROTECTIVE OF YOU.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: That's hot.

[That sound you hear is me facepalming.]

EDWARD: So I was stalking you around town but I lost you and then I heard their terrible awful killing-you thoughts and--

BELLA: Wait, you what?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: ... Shit.

[So Edward spills his guts about how he can read everyone's mind except Bella's. On the upside, he manages to keep his mouth shut about the whole vampire thing, which is more than he's able to do in the book.]



Wait, Something's Happening? What?

BELLA: Wait, what's going on at the police station?

EDWARD: Wait, why is my not-dad there?

CARLISLE: Bella, I'm so sorry... your father's weird friend was killed by a feral plot point.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: I didn't even know we had those in this movie!

CARLISLE [significant look ]: I know. They're very rare in Forks.

EDWARD [mind-reading ]: D:<



Casa de Swan

[So Bella goes home with her dad from the police station instead of with Edward and reads up on Quileute legends and how the Cold Ones are actually called some word I've never seen before in my vampire-loving life and they exist all over the world but particularly in the middle of rainy nowhere and you will know them by their speed and their strength and their cold white marble skin and their butterscotch eyes and their inability to talk to girls.]
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: OMFG.



Forks High, The Next Morning
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: You. Me. Forest. NOW.



The Forest of Imminent Revelation

[The jig, she is up. Bella casts all the evidence back in his face. There is no turning back.]




EDWARD: SAY MY NAME, BITCH
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: EDWARD

EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE

BELLA: ASSHOLE

EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: VAMPIRE, OKAY? VAMPIRE

EDWARD: ARE YOU AFRAID?

BELLA: NO

EDWARD: Wait, what?

[Edward drags her by the arm through the woods, like, what, you couldn't get a good enough grip on her hair or something? Damn. Then he zooms her up the mountain on a forcible piggyback ride and storms off into a single spotlight sunbeam in an epic snit over what a monster he is, he must SHOW HER the HORROR OF HIS BEING, a TERRIBLE SECRET accompanied by the SOFT FLUTTERING OF WINDCHIMES:]




EDWARD: I AM VAMPIRE. HEAR ME TWINKLE.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: Oh, wow, I spent like $60 at Sephora trying to get sparkle like that. What is that, Urban Decay?

EDWARD: NO!

BELLA: Oh, so it's a drugstore brand?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA!

BELLA: FINE. WHATEVER. But the lipstick, that's gotta be Cargo, right?

EDWARD: *FLOUNCE*
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
[Over in some other clearing he starts pitching a grand mal hissy, throwing trees and shit around because can't she see, he is THE WORLD'S SPARKLIEST PREDATOR, but Bella doesn't care, SHE DOESN'T CAAAAARE, and Edward has to jump into a tree to get away from her because he might LOSE CONTROL, okay, he must NEVER LOSE CONTROL and it is REALLY REALLY HARD, okay? And Bella's all like, really? How hard? and she goes climbing up into the tree after him, like, DAMN, GIRL! GO GET A PIECE OF THAT! and finally he's like, the combined force of your flavor and your crazy overpowers me, I must know what are you thinking, and she's like, I AM THINKING THAT I LOVE YOU and because the ankle-tattoo people insisted on it, the following exchange is finally committed to celluloid (I am not making this up):]

EDWARD: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

BELLA: Stupid lamb.

EDWARD: Sick, masochistic lion.

[I don't remember exactly what happens next because I fell over dead at this point.]



The Meadow of ~*Great Sparkle*~

[And then they lie down, slowly, tenderly, among the flowers in his favorite meadow (he has a favorite meadow) and stare at each other, not touching, softly arguing who's prettier.]




[Congratulations, Catherine Hardwicke: you have invented the sexless sex scene.]



The Morning After

[So the next morning Edward picks Bella up in The Vampire Volvo and pimps on in to school like a total mack and everyone's like WHOA THAT WEIRD CULLEN KID ACTUALLY GOT LAID? and he's all like, no, I sparkled for A GIRL!]






Chez Sparklepire

[Let's go meet the family! Edward's not-dad Carlisle and not-mom Esme and the "kids" are cheerfully gathered in their unused kitchen cooking Italian for Bella through the tutelage of the Food Network--]

EMMETT: YO BELLA WE MADE YOU FOODS
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
[--and Alice is all like hi Bella you smell good I love you can we play dress-up now? Jasper looks pained, and that's before they find out that Bella already ate:]

ROSALIE [*BOWLSMASH FOOTSTAMP *]: I HAVE BEEN SLAVING AWAY OVER A HOT STOVE ALL DAY SO I COULD WATCH THIS STUPID BITCH EAT! FUCK YOU AND YOUR HUMAN, EDWARD! FUCK YOU AND THE VOLVO YOU RODE IN ON!
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: So... we're gonna go somewhere else now.



Edward's Room

BELLA: You don't have a bed?

EDWARD: NO, YOU BRAZEN HUSSY.

TWILIGHT FANS: ZOMG HIS COUCH IS NOT BLACK AND BELLA IS NOT WEARING A BLUE V-NECK AND--
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
HARRY POTTER FANS: *FLAMETHROWER*

[Oh, look! Edward has Muse Linkin Park Debussy in his CD player! Bella loves Debussy! Let's dance!]

BELLA: Um, I'm not so much with the coordination and the--

EDWARD: I SAID, LET'S DANCE.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
[And then Mr. Flying Squirrel jumps out the window and takes her barfing across the scenic Pacific Northwest. Or maybe that was just me and my fear of heights.]




[Oh, I didn't even tell you about the '80s music-video timewarp the Cullens have upstairs where Edward plays the music he wrote for Bella.]



People Other Than Edward and Bella Doing Things

[Charlie's out in the woods with a pack of bloodhounds and the rest of the police, at which point they see a footprint and realize that it is a human plot point zomg.]



Bella's Room

[Bella's mom takes two minutes out from following her husband around like a lovesick puppy to call Bella goodnight and ask if she likes nasty rainy Forks and--she does? How is that possible! There must be boys, tell her all about it, are they cute or smart or undead? UNEXPECTED EDWARD IS UNEXPECTED BYE MOM GOTTA GO.]

BELLA: Uh... how'd you get in?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: Through the window. I do that a lot. I oiled it so it wouldn't make any noise. I've been standing in the corner of your room for two months now, watching you sleep every single night. You should really get a rocking chair in here, you know, I get bored just lurking there.

BELLA: ...

EDWARD: So can I kiss you already or what?

[So Edward's all like, "Don't move, no, seriously, I mean it, DON'T MOVE" but after they rub noses for like fifteen minutes Bella pretty much jumps him and we discover that she is wearing, not unreasonably, a t-shirt and underwear in bed. Edward LOSES CONTROL OMG and flings himself back against the wall:]

EDWARD: PREMARITAL UNDERPANTS ARE NOT OKAY!
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: Premarital snuggling?

EDWARD: ... I will consider it.

[So they lay in Bella's bed and talk all night about her favorite colors and her first goldfish and which Jonas Brother she's most compatible with. There is totally premarital snuggling. Edward, you hoor.]



Casa de Swan

BELLA: Char--Dad, my new boyfriend has come to call and he respectfully requests an audience with the man of the house before we go play baseball.

CHARLIE: *SHOTGUN*
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: Daaaad! Bullets won't even hurt him!

CHARLIE: What?

BELLA: GOTTA GO!



Vampire Baseball

[No, really. NO, REALLY.]




[The Cullens split into two teams and they're all wearing very official uniforms that Edward probably sewed for them, except they're all blue and white, so they're... kind of pointless. Alice does this expert flamingo leg-kick every time she pitches, because she is awesome. In fact, the whole thing is kind of awesome in an I-can't-believe-I'm-watching-this way.]



The Part Where the Plot Shows Up

[The Bad Vamps--Laurent (who has taken over the non-shirtwearing duties), Victoria (who has fantastic hair), and James (what is it with vampires and ponytails, anyway?)--roll in.]




CARLISLE: So... you guys are terrible at not freaking the mundanes, you know that?

LAURENT: Yeah, sorry about that. Play ball?

[All the Cullens nervously shuffle in front of Bella, hoping that the Bad Vamps don't notice her. TOO LATE.]

JAMES: YOU BROUGHT A SNACK.

[I really can't think of anything better than the actual line, sorry.]

EDWARD: *DRAMATIC PRAIRIE DOG*
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
THE BAD VAMPS: : [

THE CULLENS: >: [




[And then a Jets-and-Sharks rumble breaks out.]

LAURENT: Look, you dig humans, I don't judge. Let's go, guys.

JAMES: Yeah. That sounds good. We're just gonna go now. You know. Not hunt down and kill your pet at all. Have a nice eternity!

THE CULLENS: ...
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
ALICE: I psychically sense that we are screwed.



Laurent Stops By Chez Sparklepire to Help

LAURENT: So he's a tracker and he's really good and he'll never stop until she's dead. Peace out.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
THE CULLENS: D:



A Very Cunning Plan

[Edward wants Rosalie to wear Bella's coat and leave a fake trail in the woods for James to follow. Rosalie, who is throwing a weapons-grade sulk, is having none of it.]
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EMMETT: Babe, you gotta do it!

ROSALIE: What's in it for me?

EMMETT: Wardo not whining for the rest of forever?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
ROSALIE: *does it*



Casa de Swan

[Bella has to stop by her house to pack a bag and convince her father (and James, who is watching) that she's running away:]

BELLA: I don't want to hurt my dad!

EDWARD: You have to! It's part of my very cunning plan!
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: FORKS SUCKS AND YOU SUCK AND THAT'S WHY MOM LEFT YOU!

EDWARD: OKAY, DAMN.



A Lover's Desperate Farewell
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: You are my life now, SO DON'T GET DEAD, OKAY?



Some Hotel in Phoenix

[Alice is speed-sketching her visions of the future, and Bella recognizes the drawing as a ballet studio where she took lessons as a kid.]

[Wait, Bella Adoraklutz Swan took ballet? ]

JASPER: Isn't that... kind of girly for a final showdown?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
ALICE: Look, I'm just telling you what's coming in over the wire.

JASPER: *looks pained*

ALICE: Wait! Wait! Breaking news! I psychically sense that James is on to our cunning plan!



Some Forest in the Pacific Northwest

EDWARD: I telepathically sense that Alice senses that James is on to our cunning plan!
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
ROSALIE: *BITCHSMACK*



Some Hotel in Phoenix

JASPER: Hey, do you psychically sense Bella leaving the hotel? Like, because James called her phone and said he was holding her mother hostage? And he'd kill us all if she didn't go quietly?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
ALICE: No, why?

JASPER: *looks pained*



Ballet Studio OF DOOM

[James has lured Bella away from her protectors with recordings of her mother's voice; Bella's mother isn't even on that side of the country. Cunning plans: you're... doing it pretty well, actually. He chose the studio with its wall-to-wall mirrorage because he wanted a striking set for the little snuff film he's going to send to Edward after he's killed Bella. But it's okay! He's just gonna sit there and monologue at her for a while, Edward will show up before anything really happens to her, right?]

JAMES: *FIBULA TWIGSNAP*
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: I DON'T LIKE THIS MOVIE ANYMOOOOOOOORE!

[So James throws Bella around some more and a big shard of mirror stabs her in the leg and she's bleeding everywhere and he bites her arm which means that venom is now burning through her veins and she will either have to become a vampire or die, I guess, so that kind of UNEXPECTED EDWARD IS UNEXPECTED! THANKS FOR JOINING US, TWINKLETOES. So the boys throw each other around the studio and trash-talk each other very melodramatically and there's some aerial slapfighting AND THEN the other Cullens arrive to dance and kick ass, and they are ALL OUT OF CHOREOGRAPHY:]




[Finally Edward gets James by the throat and RIPS IT OFF AND SPITS IT OUT, DAMN, about to score a fatality when--]

CARLISLE: No, Edward! You're better than this!
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: You're right, Carlisle, I--

CARLISLE: But your not-brothers aren't. Have at it, boys!

[Jasper and Emmett build a floorboard fire and then Alice jumps up on James's face and twists his head off like a bottlecap. Because she is awesome.]

BELLA: OW IT HURTS THE BURNING OMG

[The boys tear James to pieces and are dancing around singing campfire songs by the time Alice ambles on over.]
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
ALICE [offering stick ]: Marshmallow? The wiener isn't done yet.

CARLISLE: Alice! Help me tie off this tourniquet!

ALICE: I don't think that's going to help--I think he, like, bit her, and stuff.

BELLA: NARRRRRRGHHHH!

EDWARD: NO!

CARLISLE: We probably better do something about that.

BELLA: RRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHHHHH!

ALICE [chewing]: We could just let her be a vampire, I guess.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: NOOOOO!

CARLISLE: Well, I guess there's something else we could do to get the vampire firepain venom out. I mean, eventually.

BELLA: ASDLKFJSDLKFJASDLKFJKJKJG;;;;

CARLISLE: But it will mean--you will have to--there will be--

EDWARD: NO!

CARLISLE: Premarital sucking.
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: BUT IT IS SO HARD!



Bella's Life, Sparkling Before Her Eyes

BELLA: So then I died. But I died from vampire metaphor-sex, so that was pretty cool.



Cover Story Memorial Hospital, Phoenix

BELLA: What... what happened?

BELLA'S MOM: Well, you ran away from home and that nice Cullen family went after you but then you fell down two flights of stairs in the hotel. And through a window. A closed window. Now, how the piano and the anvil fell on you after that, I don't know. Look! That pretty Cullen boy has been watching you sleep the whole time!
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: Yeah... he does that.

[Exit Bella's mother to go squee-text at her new husband some more.]

BELLA: Edward! You saved my life! You got over it being hard!

EDWARD: After I nearly got you killed! Bella, we can't be together--if it's not me trying to slurp your freesia-scented tastyblood, it's always going to be someone else--

BELLA: NO! NO! NO NO NO DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, YOU CAN'T EVER LEAVE ME AND WE CAN'T EVER BE APART, SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TELL ME YOU'RE LEAVING FOR MY OWN GOOD AND RUN OFF TO SOUTH AMERICA I'LL JUMP OFF A CLIFF ON A WEREWOLF MOTORCYCLE, I SWEAR TO--
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: OKAY, OKAY, I WON'T, GOD!



Prom Night, Casa de Swan

EDWARD: So... waiting on Bella. With her dad. Who thinks I'm the reason she ran away from home. Awkward.

CHARLIE: YOU WANNA HELP ME CLEAN MY SHOTGUN?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: NO, I'M OKAY, THANKS.



The Prom, Which Has a... James Bond Theme?

[That is some amazing synergy right there.]

JACOB: Hey Bella! Um... so... my dad paid me to crash the prom to tell you to stop going out with Edward. Look, I'm not supposed to know what's going on until the second book, I don't know what to say.

EDWARD: *IMMINENT CHIVALRY SMASH*

JACOB: *LUPINE BITCHFACE*
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: Look, if either of you mark your territory while I'm wearing her dress, Alice will kill you both.

[So Edward escorts Bella inside and for a few moments they stare at the kids being goofy and playing games and dancing to that godless "rock" music and having fun.]

EDWARD: Um...

BELLA: ... Ew.

EDWARD: I KNOW!



Some Quaint Gazebo

[The other slow-dancing couples get the hell out because they can tell that some serious yearning is about to go down.]

BELLA: HEY HEY CAN I BE A VAMPIRE NOW?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: No!

BELLA: How about now?

EDWARD: No!

BELLA: HOW ABOUT NOW?

EDWARD: NO!

BELLA: *sulks*

EDWARD: Bella, can't a long happy life with me be enough?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
BELLA: NOT IF I HAVE TO GET OOOOOOLD!

EDWARD: How about I throw in a growth-accelerated half-vampire mutant baby?

BELLA: ... We could make this work.

EDWARD: Attagirl.

[You know how on the ball this movie is? There's Victoria in the prom dress of some girl I guess she killed and ate (I mean, how else do you get a dress this close to prom night?) watching all tear-stained and vengeful. That's right: the plot of the second movie is already here. Which they greenlit on Saturday. Those of us you who saw the movie for the lulz? Turns out money don't know the difference. Oops.]





BELLA: Can we at least do the sex now?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. m15m.livejournal.com
EDWARD: NO!



Fin.


ETA: Hey guys? Seriously. Don't repost the whole thing on MySpace or Facebook or your favorite message board. Especially without my name on it. If you've gotten far enough to copypaste the whole thing, you've gotten far enough to realize that it's by cleolinda at this page on m15m.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License. Please do not repost this text without permission or credit. Brief quotations and journal icons are considered fair use; you are welcome to make or use them.


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amatyultare From: amatyultare Date: November 24th, 2008 05:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Your VERY FIRST LINE made me LOL. "It's gonna be alright, pet cactus..." ILU.

Now, off to read the rest!
amatyultare From: amatyultare Date: November 24th, 2008 05:38 am (UTC) (Link)
OMG. OMGOMG.

I can't breathe, I'm laughing so hard. You are a GENIUS. HAVE MY HALF VAMPIRE DEMON SPARKLEBABIES!!!!!!!
(Deleted comment)
visceralvamp From: visceralvamp Date: November 24th, 2008 06:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Your icon, it is for the win.
hippydippymama From: hippydippymama Date: November 24th, 2008 05:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Prairie dog. *snerk*
madeline_may From: madeline_may Date: November 24th, 2008 01:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
SOMEONE needs to make a prarie dog video with Edward's head.


... anyone?
butterbuns From: butterbuns Date: November 24th, 2008 05:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Now I can't wait to actually go see this movie. And this is all I'm going to be able to think of XD
kitsunec4 From: kitsunec4 Date: November 24th, 2008 05:37 am (UTC) (Link)
...is it bad that between the discussion posts about Twilight and now this recap, I want to see this movie?

See the outrageous things for myself.

My favorite part of the recap was the exchange between Bella and Edward about his sparkle, because...yes...I have spent ridiculous sums at Sephora for clear skin. XD And the whole, stop whining, and "wow, Edward" attitude just cracked me up.
x__stupidgirl From: x__stupidgirl Date: November 24th, 2008 05:38 am (UTC) (Link)
[So the next morning Edward picks Bella up in The Vampire Volvo and pimps on in to school like a total mack and everyone's like WHOA THAT WEIRD CULLEN KID ACTUALLY GOT LAID? and he's all like, no, I sparkled for A GIRL!]

This is the greatest thing ever written about this movie. Ever.
renzys_frenzy From: renzys_frenzy Date: November 25th, 2008 05:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
I whole heartedly agree!
erinya From: erinya Date: November 24th, 2008 05:39 am (UTC) (Link)
EDWARD: SAY MY NAME, BITCH

BELLA: EDWARD

EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE

BELLA: ASSHOLE




You just made me LOL while I was feeling quite shitty, so thank you. :-)
reneeks From: reneeks Date: March 20th, 2010 07:10 am (UTC) (Link)
That WAS hilarious! Hiya, Erinya!
moonshinetears From: moonshinetears Date: November 24th, 2008 05:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Ahahaha that was the whole point of the movie was for lulz. I would have hoped to see something about Emmett waving the cleaver at Bella, but hey, this was pretty awesome. :)
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: November 24th, 2008 06:21 am (UTC) (Link)
I like to imagine that he was waving the cleaver when he was saying the bit about the foods.
genmaicha From: genmaicha Date: November 24th, 2008 05:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh god. I...might have to go see this now.

Your recap has been everything I dreamed of.
platedlizard From: platedlizard Date: December 10th, 2008 08:39 am (UTC) (Link)

OT

I love you for having a Duvenbodes lori as your icon. Just so you know.
misslucyjane From: misslucyjane Date: November 24th, 2008 05:40 am (UTC) (Link)
*applauds* I just saw this this afternoon and yup, that's the movie I remember.
hiratsu From: hiratsu Date: November 24th, 2008 05:40 am (UTC) (Link)
....I kinda want to see this now.




I feel dirty just thinking that.
runa27 From: runa27 Date: November 24th, 2008 09:31 am (UTC) (Link)
You can always buy a ticket for a different, better movie that you've already seen and sneak in to Twilight. I know I'm tempted...
bibsy From: bibsy Date: November 24th, 2008 05:41 am (UTC) (Link)
You are nothing short of amazing.
chocotaku From: chocotaku Date: November 24th, 2008 05:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Now I don't have to laugh generically at twilitards, I now have just cause! YAY!
myrafur From: myrafur Date: November 24th, 2008 05:42 am (UTC) (Link)
OF ALL TIME!
dhaunea From: dhaunea Date: November 24th, 2008 05:42 am (UTC) (Link)
You make me actually WANT to see this movie.

STOP THAT.

I mean - I suffered through Van Helsing because of you! (And almost got thrown out of the theatre because I honestly couldn't stop laughing at some of the scenes because all I could hear was your dialogue, and it was an almost totally empty theatre, so it was really obvious that I was giggling hysterically into my coat.)

Noooooooo!!!
dorothywwom From: dorothywwom Date: November 24th, 2008 06:04 am (UTC) (Link)
What about The Phantom of the Opera? That nearly got three of us tossed...

And I laughed til I barfed this time. But I'm okay with that.
robinmc From: robinmc Date: November 24th, 2008 05:42 am (UTC) (Link)
Rock me, rock me, rock me sexy vampire! I think I'm going to be singing that non-stop now. Also, I sorta have this weird vision of Steve Coogan playing Aro in the next movie - am I crazy?

Oh man, I have had the longest day, and this was the perfect way to end it. And I think that I absolutely have to see it in the theatre now.
jrs1980 From: jrs1980 Date: November 24th, 2008 05:44 am (UTC) (Link)
Yay! Oh, I almost squealed when I clicked on my comm page.
From: yendrie Date: November 24th, 2008 05:44 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh my God. This makes me want to see the movie like NOW! Lol, Mr. Flying Squirrel & Miss Monkey-Bee running around! Priceless ♥
bellereve_ From: bellereve_ Date: November 24th, 2008 05:50 am (UTC) (Link)
I LOVE YOUR ICON.
reebchan From: reebchan Date: November 24th, 2008 05:45 am (UTC) (Link)
...I really want to see this movie now.
mercurywater From: mercurywater Date: April 25th, 2009 06:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Animorphs icon! (FTW)
sarapada From: sarapada Date: November 24th, 2008 05:46 am (UTC) (Link)
AWESOME.
From: coxyleanne Date: October 18th, 2010 11:47 am (UTC) (Link)
I don’t think I’ve laughed so much at a Twilight post before! You had me laughing from pet cactus! West Midlands Locksmiths
bellereve_ From: bellereve_ Date: November 24th, 2008 05:46 am (UTC) (Link)
EDWARD: I AM VAMPIRE. HEAR ME TWINKLE.


ILU!!!!!! <3
apey1013 From: apey1013 Date: November 24th, 2008 05:47 am (UTC) (Link)
I am torn between horrified denial that this film/book actually exists and gales of laughter over prissy Edward Sparklepire. PREMARITAL UNDERPANTS. *gigglesnort*
gritsinmisery From: gritsinmisery Date: November 24th, 2008 05:47 am (UTC) (Link)
So, like, I totally sent this to my daughter, who refused to read the series until her friends like, held her down or something and read it out loud to her until she was ZOMG hooked and now they want her to go see the movie and I'm all like, no way and she's like, way and I'm all like, "You're paying for it," and she's like, "Um, so maybe not," and maybe this will do instead.
noveldevice From: noveldevice Date: November 24th, 2008 05:48 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh my god. I must see this movie.

For the lulz. Maybe as a treat after my sights. :)
rufinia From: rufinia Date: November 25th, 2008 09:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
You have to. It is SO FUNNY OMG
beckyo From: beckyo Date: November 24th, 2008 05:49 am (UTC) (Link)
So much awesomeness. *G*
820 comments or Leave a comment
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