You are viewing m15m

entries friends calendar profile holy crow, there's a book! Previous Previous Next Next
Movies in Fifteen Minutes - The Day After Tomorrow in Fifteen Minutes
This is, after all, what happens when you cross the streams.
cleolinda
m15m
cleolinda
Share
The Day After Tomorrow in Fifteen Minutes

Reposted from my journal, originally posted June 1:


Disclaimer and actual opinion: To quote from my entry the other day: “I hate disaster movies. But if you absolutely, positively can't get out of seeing a disaster movie, go see the one with Jake Gyllenhaal. I enjoyed it as much as I was physically able. Three stars.” Disaster movies can get silly, but I thought this one managed to avoid the sheer camp and nonstop implausibility of Emmerich’s other big movie, Independence Day, and I liked the actors, and the effects were good.

Also, I may have condensed things or gotten them out of order, because damn—I had a hard time remembering when what happened. Thanks to The Movie Spoiler for acting as a safety net. Even when it was wrong.



Some Ice Shelf

FRANK: Hey kid, don’t fuck up the drill, okay?

JASON: Will do.

JACK [in the tent]: You let Jason drill?

FRANK: Yeah, wh—

JASON: *fucks up the drill*

ENTIRE ICE SHELF: *breaks off*

JACK: AHHHHH! I MUST SAVE THE THREE ICE CORES, BECAUSE WE DIDN’T JUST HAVE A SHOT OF 1500 ICE CORES BACK THERE IN THE TENT OR ANYTHING!

Jack leaps across the chasm, grabs the three ice cores in metal poster tubes, leaps back over, and nearly falls back into the yawning gap, but because he is Dennis Quaid and we are five minutes into the movie, we’re not really all that afraid for him. The point of this scene is to show us that 1) Jack is determined to save things and 2) that he is a crazy sumbitch.



Some Climatology Convention, New Delhi, India

JACK: … and therefore, in conclusion, bad shit is happening to the climate, and if the polar ice caps melt, it will cause really, really bad weather. We all need to think about this.

VICE-PRESIDENT NOTCHENEY: Whatever, Frosty. I’d rather save a billion dollars than a billion lives, a statement which is in no way coming back to haunt me later.

JACK: Dude, if you’re such an ass about the environment, why’d they send you here?

NOTCHENEY: …



Outside the Convention

SOME INDIAN REPORTER: Holy shit, it’s snowing! Dr. Jack Hall totally did not predict this five minutes ago at all!

DR. RAPSON: Hey, you’re Jack Hall! I really liked your presentation about how we’re all going to freeze to death and stuff. Too bad that your VP’s a NotDick.

JACK: OMG you’re Dr. Bilbo!

DR. BILBO: *sigh*



North Budafuck Observatory, Scotland

DR. BILBO: I love my work.

BLACK ASSISTANT GUY: I love my infant son.

WHITE ASSISTANT GUY: I love Manchester United.

HOW TO WRITE BETTER SCRIPTS: Did you remember to highlight your characters’ individuality with personal details, hobbies, and a variety of ethnicities?
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SCREENWRITERS: *check off that box*

BLACK ASSISTANT GUY: Oh, by the way, a buoy somewhere failed because it got real cold. I figured there was nothing to worry about, even though it almost never happens.

DR. BILBO: Rock.



Jack and Lucy Hall Discuss Parenting Over the Phone

JACK: OMGWTF MY KID MADE AN F?

SAM, HIS KID: *studly eye roll*

LUCY: Why don’t you talk to him about it?

JACK: Why don’t YOU?

LUCY: BECAUSE I’M THE ONE WHO DOES EVERYTHING AROUND HERE AND SAVES ADORABLE CHILDREN FROM CANCER WHILE YOU DICK AROUND IN THE ARCTIC, ASSHOLE!

JACK: …

LUCY: …

JACK: Can I come pick up Sam and take him to the airport to go to his fancy Academic Decathlon thing tomorrow?

LUCY: Don’t be late.



House of Hall, The Next Day

JACK: *is late*

SAM: *is studly*

JACK: OMG SAM I AM SO SORRY!

SAM: Whatever. I got some unrequited pining to do, if you don’t mind.

JACK: What about that F?

SAM: I didn’t show any of my work on the math test so the teacher thought I cheated, and then I told him it wasn’t my fault if I was smarter than him, and he flunked me.

JACK: *is proud*

HOW TO WRITE BETTER SCRIPTS: Have you established a strained but loving family atmosphere?
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SCREENWRITERS: *check off that box*



Some Airplane

AIRPLANE: *flies into a giant thunderhead*

SAM: AHHHHHH!

BRIAN: You know, you have, like, a one in a billion chance of dying in a plane crash.

PILOT: Thank you for flying Lucky Odds Airlines! Today’s kinda special for us, as this is our one billionth flight, and we’ve never had a crash yet!

SAM: AHHHHHH!

BRIAN: Look, if worst comes to worst, at least you’re in the plane and the engine isn’t going to fall on you.
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SAM: You’re not helping, man.

LAURA: Hey, if you’d like to crush my hand in a tender moment foreshadowing our eventual hookup, you know, feel free.

SAM: *crush*



Bad Weather Around the World

NEW YORK: FLOODED!

HAWAII: HURRICANED!

TOKYO: HAILSTONED!

SOME JAPANESE GUY: Aieeee! I run across the street for no apparent reason!

HAILSTONE: BANZAI!

SOME JAPANESE GUY: *thunk*



Some Academic Decathlon

LAURA: I don’t know the answer to this one!

BRIAN: Well, let’s panic amongst ourselves rather than ask Sam the supergenius.

PROCTOR: You have ten seconds.

SAM: Atahualpa.

BRIAN: Thanks for bestirring yourself, man.
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
Later that night at the lamest Academic Decathlon party ever, which is saying a lot:

RICHIE MCRIVAL: Hey, your dithering today was a real turn-on. Wanna take a tour of the host school?

LAURA: That sounds peachy, thanks!

SAM: *pines*



Some Cancer Ward

LUCY: P.S. I have a little bald cancer patient who loves Peter Pan but isn’t even old enough to read it. Also, we can’t find his parents.

HEARTSTRING #57: *is tugged*



Los Angeles

IDIOT REPORTER: OMG THE TORNADOES TOTALLY JUST ATE THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN!

AUDIENCE: Oh. No. I am. So sad. That. Beloved monument. Is gone.

WEATHER GUY WHO DIDN’T BELIEVE TORNADOES WERE IN L.A.: *gets dead*

WEATHER GUY FOOLING AROUND WITH SOME GIRL: *gets dead*

SOME GIRL: *gets dead*

IDIOT REPORTER ON THE STREET: *gets dead*

ANGELENOS: *take pictures*

HOW TO WRITE BETTER SCRIPTS: Did you include Hollywood satire that no one outside L.A. cares about?

SCREENWRITERS: *check off that box*



New York

SAM: We gotta get home.

PLANES: *are grounded*

RICHIE MCRIVAL: Hey, guys, you can all come stay at my extremely expensive apartment.

BRIAN: You gotta get this guy away from your girl, Sam.

EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE POWER: *goes out*

SAM: Well, we’ll catch the train home.

TRAINS: *are canceled*

RICHIE MCRIVAL: I gotta go get my little brother in Philadelphia!

SAM: Then we’re walking. Chop chop!

SIDEWALK: *is under two feet of water*

SAM: THEN WE SWIM, GODDAMMIT!



North Budafuck Observatory, Scotland

DR. BILBO: So… now we’ve lost three—four—buoys to rapid temperature drops. I should call Jack Hall.

BLACK ASSISTANT GUY: I’ll be right with you, as soon as I say goodbye to my young wife and infant son, who are coincidentally leaving for a vacation in Spain, one of the few really warm countries in Europe.

WHITE ASSISTANT GUY: GO MANCHESTER UNITED!



New York

BIRDS: *fly south hell for feather leather*

HOMELESS GUY: That ain’t good.

TIDAL WAVE: I KEEL YOU!

EVERYBODY EXCEPT LAURA: *runs*

SOME FRENCH WOMAN AND HER KID: Au secours! Nous sommes coincés dans le taxi!

LAURA: Couvrez les yeux et tenez le cul!

POLICE GUY: *smashes the taxi window*

SAM: OMGWTFLAURA!

LAURA: Hang on, I have to get the bag this French woman I don’t even know left behind!

RICHIE MCRIVAL: *makes a halfhearted attempt to sort of go after Laura*

SAM: *drags Laura across the street, up the steps, and into the library through sheer willpower*

TIDAL WAVE: *keels everyone else*



NY Public Library of Freezing-Ass Cold

SOME RUSSIAN SHIP: *cruises down the street and gets stuck*

SNOW: *starts to fall*

SAM: … so my dad said that we need to stay here and burn things and NOT GO OUTSIDE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, because a really really bad storm is coming.

POLICE GUY: If a storm’s coming, we clearly need to go outside and hike to look for help we may or may not find several miles away.

ALL THE EXTRAS: The police guy’s right, let’s wander around in the snow!

SAM: Please! Don’t go! My studliness begs you! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HEARTSTRING #39: *is tugged*

LAURA: Brian, the rich kid, the French woman and her kid, the homeless guy, and the three librarians and I will stay, Sam!

SAM: *tear*



D.C. Office of Sciency Things, Possibly Including NASA

JACK: Dr. Bilbo says the temperature is dropping in the North Atlantic! Catastrophic changes in the current are causing rilly rilly bad weather! Let me use your mainframe to update my paleoclimawhatsit model so I can tell you how fast we’re all going to die!

SCIENCY BOSS: No.

JACK: Let me use your mainframe!

SCIENCY BOSS: No.

JACK: Let me use your mainframe!

SCIENCY BOSS: No.

JASON: Hey baby, what’s shakin’?

DR. TAMLYN: Hawaii, apparently, which is where I was from but now no longer exists.

FRANK: Jason, you dork.

JASON: Come on, man, she is smokin’!

DR. TAMLYN: Dude, I’m right here.

FRANK: So, you wanna work with us?

DR. TAMLYN: Sounds like a plan.

Somewhere in the background:

JACK: Let me use your mainframe!

SCIENCY BOSS: NO!




Tiny Cages, New York Zoo

ZOOKEEPER #1: Why are we keeping all the animals in tiny cages in what looks like a boxcar?

ZOOKEEPER #2: Because it’s cold?

ZOOKEEPER #1: …

ZOOKEEPER #2: …

ZOOKEEPER #1: Okay, sure, that works for me.

ZOOKEEPER #2: Look! This bizarre weather is upsetting the animals!

BEARS: *howl*

LYNXES: *howl*

PENGUINS: *howl*

WOLVES: …
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ZOOKEEPER #1: OMG THE PLOT POINTS HAVE ESCAPED!



Giant Room of Giant Computers (D.C. Office of Sciency Things, Possibly Including NASA)

MOVIE SCIENTISTS: NONE OF OUR THEORIES EXPLAIN WHAT’S HAPPENING AND WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

JACK: Well, I have a non-Scottish professor in Scotland who says that the melting of the polar ice caps, as seen in my first scene in this movie, is causing a catastrophic desalinization of the North Atlantic, which in turn is screwing up the currents, which in turn is screwing up the rest of the weather.

MOVIE SCIENTISTS: Which means…?

JACK: Icy death.

MOVIE SCIENTISTS: OH NOES!

CLEO: Okay, so… if the problem is rapid desalinization… is there any way you could try to … resalinize the ocean?

MOVIE SCIENTISTS: So… what you’re suggesting is… we dump the world’s table salt reserves into the North Atlantic.

CLEO: I didn’t say… well, something like that. Only make it sciency.

MOVIE SCIENTISTS: …

CLEO: …

JACK: Ma’am, that idea is too stupid even for this movie.
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SCIENCY BOSS: Clearly, Jack, you need to use the mainframe, if that’s the best idea we can come up with.



Vignettes from the NY Public Library of Freezing-Ass Cold

MR. LIBRARIAN: OMG YOU’RE GOING TO BURN NIETZSCHE??

YOUNG LIBRARIAN CHICK: OMG CHAUVINIST PIG! HE HAD A THING FOR HIS SISTER!

AUDIENCE: WTF?

* * *

POLICE GUY: Hey, son, you need help with that radio?

BRIAN: Hello, dorkiest dork who ever dorked, kthnxbai.

POLICE GUY: *backs off slowly*

* * *

MRS. LIBRARIAN: You okay?

LAURA: Yeah, my leg just hurts a little. I cut it back there pretty bad, but I’m sure this won’t emerge as a plot point of any importance about an hour from now.

* * *

RICHIE MCRIVAL J.D.: I bow to your scruffy good looks, man. Tell her how you feel.

SAM: Thanks, man. I’ll see if I can’t take some time out between freezing and starving to do that.



D.C. Office of Sciency Things, Possibly Including NASA

JACK: According to our Sciency Model of Death, the world will plunge into a new ice age in ten…

JASON: Months!

FRANK: Weeks!

JACK: DAYS OMG.

DR. TAMLYN: Jack, there’s a non-Scottish guy in Scotland on the phone for you?

DR. BILBO: Jack… we’re snowed in at the observatory and everyone else in the UK just got flash-frozen, so there’s no one left to come get us, and our generator is dying. We’re pretty much doomed.

JACK’S TEAM: *tear*

JACK: Is there anything I can do for you?

DR. BILBO: Well, since you can’t get us the bloody fuck out of here, I figure you can do whatever the fuck you want. *click*

FRANK: What did he say?

JACK: He said, “Save as many as you can.”



North Budafuck Observatory, Scotland

DR. BILBO: Well, our generator is failing, we’re snowed in, and the entire country just got flash-frozen to death, so I suggest we die boozing like gentlemen. Twelve-year-old Scotch for everyone!

BLACK ASSISTANT GUY: To England!

DR. BILBO: Which froze to death.

WHITE ASSISTANT GUY: To Manchester United!

DR. BILBO: Which froze to death.

BLACK ASSISTANT GUY: All right, you make a toast.

DR. BILBO: To mankind! Which may or may not have entirely frozen to death already.

AUDIENCE: …

DR. BILBO: …

NO ONE: *comes to save them*

AUDIENCE: OMG DR. BILBO IS REALLY GOING TO DIE! YOU CAN’T DIE, DR. BILBO!

DR. BILBO: You know, I was in other movies besides Lord of the Rings.

AUDIENCE [weeping]: Dr. Biiiiilboooo, nooooo…

DR. BILBO: *goes outside to freeze faster*



Sam Calls D.C. for Help

SAM: I know! Let’s use a pay phone six feet underwater to call my dad for help! Phones receive electricity directly from the phone company, not the electric company!

LAURA: If they’re underwater, won’t they still be out regardless of the power source?

SAM: Shhhhh, they’ll hear you.

Sam swims over to a tiny nook with a pay phone and calls his parents, who are overjoyed.

JACK: STAY ALIVE! I WILL FIND YOU!

SAM: Simmer down there, Hawkeye, we’ll be GLUG GLUG GLUG…

JACK AND LUCY: AHHHHHHH! OUR KID!

LAURA: OMGWTFSAM!

SAM: ...

LAURA: OMGWTFSAM!

SAM: ...

LAURA: SAM, YOU’RE TOO STUDLY TO DIE! OMGWTFSAAAAAM!

SAM: *pops up gasping for breath*

LAURA: OMG I must take off your clothes and bundle you inside my coat while I am also in it!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SAM: Best. Global. Epidemic. Ever.



D.C. Office of Sciency Things, Possibly Including NASA

JACK: Load up the Arctic Truck, I gotta go save my kid.

SCIENCY BOSS: I would try to dissuade you, but… you’re a crazy sumbitch who likes saving things. Go with God.

JACK: Thanks, man. Frank! What are you doing! You’re not coming with me!

FRANK: Come on, man, would I honestly be in this movie if I weren’t going with you?

JACK: Touché.

JASON: Also me, because I’m too dorky cute to leave behind. Goodbye, Dr. Tamlyn! Remember that I thought you were smokin’!

DR. TAMLYN: There goes a brave, brave dork.



Secret Back Room of Political Shenanigans

PRESIDENT: *looks like Al Gore*

SECRETARY OF STATE: *looks like a brunette Hillary Clinton*

PRESIDENT NOTGORE: What should we do, Mr. Vice President?

AUDIENCE: Uh… generally… isn’t the VP sort of… useless?

SECRETARY NOTCLINTON: Not in THIS administration.

AUDIENCE: HEY! YOU GOT YOUR POLITICAL SATIRE IN MY DISASTER MOVIE!

NOTCHENEY: I say we sit on our asses and do nothing, just like your “paleoclimatologist” making all these dire armchair “predictions” about how we’re going to “die.”

SECRETARY NOTCLINTON: Our paleoclimatologist is currently risking life and limb to save his son in New York, ASSHOLE.

NOTCHENEY: Oh.

TV NEWS: In other developments tonight, millions of Americans are evacuating to Mexico, which briefly closed the borders while drunk on the incredible irony of the situation, but then the administration forgave all Latin American debt. ¡Buenos días a nuestros nuevos amigos!



Scenes from the NY Public Library of Ass-Freezing Cold

MR. LIBRARIAN: OMG WE CAN’T BURN BOOKS!

SAM: Look, if we don’t burn ‘em, ain’t nobody gonna live to read ‘em.

MR. LIBRARIAN: FINE. You can burn anything but the Gutenberg Bible, because even though I’m an atheist and don’t believe in it, it’s the first printed book ever and the printed word is our finest human achievement.
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SAM: Whatever. Hand me that Ayn Rand.

* * *

MRS. LIBRARIAN: Uh… we’re running out of snack-size Fritos over here.

HOMELESS GUY: *shows Brian how to insulate his coat with wadded pages*

* * *

LAURA: What was your favorite vacation?

SAM: This one time that I had to spend with my dad trapped on a ship in Greenland for ten days with nothing to do but hang out with him.

LAURA: Hon, I said “favorite,” not “suckiest.”

SAM: I know.

ANVILS: *fall through the theater ceiling and kill several audience members*

* * *

EVERYONE EXCEPT SAM AND LAURA: *is asleep*

LAURA: Everything I worked so hard for is gone! College, college, and college—gone!

SAM: You know why I actually joined the Decathlon team?

LAURA: Because you really like useless trivia?

SAM: No, because of you.

LAURA: Let’s make out.
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SAM: Best. Fatal. Blizzard. Ever.



Arctic Truck, Somewhere Outside Philadelphia

ARCTIC TRUCK: *runs into metal sign, stalls*

FRANK: Uh.

JACK: Everybody out! We’re walking to New York!

JASON: Jack, that’s, like, a hundred miles from here. Also, you told everyone else to stay inside.

JACK: I’ve walked further than that in the Arctic!

FRANK: The hell you have!

JACK: You got a better idea?

FRANK AND JASON: …

NO ONE: *mentions J.D.’s brother*



Some Hospital in D.C.

LUCY’S FRIEND: We’ve got to go, Lucy.

LUCY: I can’t leave The Littlest Cancer Patient!

THE LITTLEST CANCER PATIENT: Is the ambulance coming for us, Dr. Lucy?

LUCY: Yes, hon, I'm sure those bastard screenwriters wouldn't leave us here to die just for the sake of a moment of cheap, sentimental tragedy.

SCREENWRITERS: *look away, whistling*

LUCY’S FRIEND: *bursts into tears*



NY Public Library of Freezing-Ass Cold, The Next Morning

LAURA: *does not wake up*

SAM: OMGWTFLAURA!

MRS. LIBRARIAN: Using one of the books we haven’t burned yet, I will attempt to diagnose her condition. Fever?

SAM: Yes.

MRS. LIBRARIAN: Pulse?

BRIAN: Fast.

MRS. LIBRARIAN: Injuries incurred saving the French woman and her kid from a taxi?

FRENCH WOMAN: Mon dieu!

LAURA’S CUT LEG: *is putrid*

MRS. LIBRARIAN: She needs penicillin!

J.D.: I bet there’s some on the big frozen ship!

SAM: *starts making snowshoes out of cane chair backs*

BRIAN: Dude, that is, like, so hardcore.



Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard

Jack, Frank, and Jason, who are all tied together like sled dogs, have decided to mountaineer over a shopping mall with a glass roof.

GLASS: CRACK!

FRANK: *falls through*

JACK: We’ll save you, Frank! Just let the sled go!

FRANK: *cuts off the sled*

GLASS: CRRRRACK!

JACK: Frank! We’ll save you! Don’t cut your rope, Frank! We’ll save you, Frank! Whatever you do, don’t cut your own rope!

FRANK [in slo-mo]: *cuts his own rope*

JACK [in slo-mo]: NOOOOOOOOO! WHYYYYY, GOD, WHYYYYY!

JASON [in slo-mo]: Well, I’m too cuuuuute to diiiiie, for ooooone.



Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard, An Hour Later

Jason keels over and Jack has to drag him around on the other sled like a deer carcass.

JACK: Dork.



Some Frozen Russian Ship

Sam, Brian, and J.D. snowshoe out to the ship.

THE NY LIBRARY: *has no more cane-backed chairs*

J.D.: How do we get into the infirmary? It’s locked!

BRIAN: Look! There’s an axe—

Donnie Darko: Action Hero! grabs the axe, breaks the window, shimmies out, creeps across a ledge on the outside of the ship, and hacks into the infirmary.

BRIAN: …that we could break the door lock with?

SAM: Now you tell me.

BRIAN: Yay! The Russian penicillin magically has English written on the bottom!

J.D.: Let’s go get Russian ship rations to bring back, too!

SOME GUY ON THE MOVIE SPOILER: Once they go outside and they arrive on the ship, Sam realizes that a big cage door is open. He looks on the door and it says "Wolves.”

CLEO: Except for the part where the wolves escaped from the zoo like ten pages ago. Look, just admit you went out for popcorn.

The boys have some complicated plan of locking the wolves in and using Sam as bait and running away but somehow the wolves end up snacking on J.D.’s leg anyway. Sam and Brian drag him outside in a life raft just as…



Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard

JACK: OMG THE EYE OF THE STORM!



Outside Some Frozen Russian Ship

SAM: HURRY! WE HAVE TO OUTRUN THE TEMPERATURE!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com


Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard

Jack dumps Jason through the roof (of a Wendy’s, IIRC?), jumps in after him, and starts setting things on fire.



The White House

SECRET SERVICE GUY: Mr. President, we have to go. The storm is coming.

NOTGORE: Look, I’m on the phone, okay?

SECRET SERVICE GUY: What, you don’t have a cell phone? WE ARE LEAVING.



Outside Some Frozen NY Library

SAM AND BRIAN: *haul ass and J.D. inside*

SAM: RUN, BRIAN! TELL THEM TO CLOSE THE DOORS!

J.D.: *wibbles around on his chewed leg*

SAM: RUN, MOTHERFUCKER!

Sam ends up dragging J.D. up to the others while the… freezing… chases them across the floor.

SAM: SHUT THE DOORS, GODDAMMIT!

THE FLOORS: *freeze*

THE DOORS: *freeze*

THE WALLS: *freeze*

SAM: The good news is, we got the penicillin and the freezing magically didn’t kill us. The bad news is… I don’t think we’re going anywhere anytime soon.



Some Base Camp in Latin America

SECRETARY NOTCLINTON: Uh, Mr. Vice President?

VP NOTCHENEY: What do you want?

SECRETARY NOTCLINTON: Uh… NotGore kinda didn’t make it.

VP NOTCHENEY: What do you MEAN, he didn’t MAKE IT?

SECRETARY NOTCLINTON: I mean that he died for our ecological sins because he wouldn’t get off the phone and get the hell out of the country.

VP NOTCHENEY: ...

SECRETARY NOTCLINTON: ...

VP NOTCHENEY: We are so fucked.

SECRETARY NOTCLINTON: Tell me about it.



Some Hospital in D.C.

EMT: Ma’am? Did someone order an ambulance for The Littlest Cancer Patient?

LUCY: OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU.

HEARTSTRING #79: *does not tug*

SCREENWRITERS: What?
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
AUDIENCE: Oh, whatever. Like you were going to kill off The Littlest Cancer Patient.



Outside Some Frozen NY Library

JACK AND JASON: *find the frozen police guy and the other library people*

HEARTSTRING #68: *is tugged*

JACK: OH MY GOD WHERE IS THE LIBRARY?

THE LIBRARY: *is buried up to the roof in snow*

Jack and Jason break into the frozen library and find a frozen room full of people bundled up like Moldavian beggar women asleep in front of a pile of flaming books.

LAURA (waking up): Who’s that?

SAM: That’s my dad!

JACK: *glows*

SAM: *glows*

HOW TO WRITE BETTER SCRIPTS: Have you included a touching family reconciliation in your finale?

SCREENWRITERS: *high-five*



Epilogue

Jack calls Sciency Boss, who sends out helicopters for the survivors. They find a few hundred more survivors on top of NY buildings. Dr. Lucy and The Littlest Cancer Patient make it to South America, although they still can’t find the kid’s parents. We never hear about J.D.’s little brother or Laura’s putrid leg again.

JACK: *smiles at Sam*

SAM: *smiles at Jack*

LAURA: *puts her head on Sam’s shoulder*

SAM: *is dead from smile*

PRESIDENT NOTCHENEY: Now that we have almost completely vacated the United States, infiltrated Latin America, and turned South America into our own personal campground, everyone has made us feel so at home. The world is one great big icy hug right now, and for that, I thank you all.
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SOME LATIN AMERICAN: ¡AY! Get off my lawn, you lousy gringos!

FIN.

More Movies in Fifteen Minutes -*- FAQ (Can I friend you? Can I link to you? Do you hate these movies?) -*- Hi-Res Photo Gallery -*- Wallpaper and Icons (yes, for taking)
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones.

Creative Commons License

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

You may repost brief excerpts with author credit and a link back to this entry or the community as a whole. Please DO NOT repost this parody 1) without my name or a link back; 2) with any changes to the wording or language*; or 3) in its entirety on your journal, on your website, on a message board, on fanfiction.net, or on ANY OTHER PAGE ON THE INTERNET without my written permission. Icons are always welcome, so have fun.






Site Meter

Tags: ,

Comments
Page 1 of 5
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5]
From: neuroillogical Date: June 2nd, 2004 11:11 am (UTC) (Link)

OMG

The funniest things I've read ever! (all the M15M)
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou...
I've been working in film production a few years now and really, these are just the best things I've ever read about film PERIOD!!!
Thanks,
n
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: June 2nd, 2004 11:22 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: OMG

Oh, cool! What have you been working on?
valmarie From: valmarie Date: June 6th, 2004 08:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
I saw this Wednesday while visiting some friends and I came out of the theater thinking "Cleo could do a great ...in 15 minutes with this".

This was great to come home to.

:-)
Val
robotprostitute From: robotprostitute Date: June 7th, 2004 04:03 am (UTC) (Link)
Brilliant - I deliberately waited unitl after I'd seen the film to read this, and it was well worth the wait.

Question - how come, inside Jack 'n' Jasons's tent, even when it's, apparently, the new ice-age outside, is it warm enough for them to take of their thermal jumpsuit-y things (as I've Christened them)? This makes very little sense. Still an entertaining film though!
fengi From: fengi Date: June 7th, 2004 02:35 pm (UTC) (Link)

Teen Girl Squad Moment

TOKYO: HAILSTONED!

I totally heard a Strongbad voice in my head.
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: June 7th, 2004 04:46 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Teen Girl Squad Moment

Yay! That was completely intentional. :)
remembering From: remembering Date: June 7th, 2004 05:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.
THANK YOU.
memlu From: memlu Date: June 7th, 2004 06:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
OMG Donnie Darko! Oneoneone!

Okay. That's the most coherent thing I have to offer.
mrben From: mrben Date: June 10th, 2004 05:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Love your avatar.
xoroa From: xoroa Date: June 8th, 2004 08:47 am (UTC) (Link)
A friend of mine linked me here...omg, hilarious.
empressvesica From: empressvesica Date: June 8th, 2004 09:36 am (UTC) (Link)
Very nice and at least 10 times more entertaining than the actual movie. Reading your 15 min. summary almost made it worth it to have to sit through that film - almost. Hey chica, you might not hate these films but some of us do! Great work! ~EV
wildicycomet From: wildicycomet Date: December 12th, 2004 01:07 am (UTC) (Link)

xD

I dunno, I found the movie hilarious. Not intentionally funny, but still... xP
theonlykow From: theonlykow Date: June 8th, 2004 09:42 am (UTC) (Link)
Donnie Darko! Winnar.
finubala From: finubala Date: June 8th, 2004 05:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
God. That was fucking hilarious.
k2daisy From: k2daisy Date: June 8th, 2004 06:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
THE LITTLEST CANCER PATIENT

*dead from laughter*

Oh, thank you so much for doing this one. I loved the total cheese factor of the movie, and so reading your 15-minute version of it just adds to my giddy guilty-pleasure fest. :)

SAM: HURRY! WE HAVE TO OUTRUN THE TEMPERATURE!

*snort*

I've been calling it the ENCROACHING FROST!!!11!!
cultvignette From: cultvignette Date: June 8th, 2004 10:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Halarious. I adore the screenwriters comments. **highfives**. this is classic. I want to see more films! youve gotta do something like, titanic in fifteen minutes. this is great.

douchebaglet From: douchebaglet Date: June 9th, 2004 08:58 am (UTC) (Link)
well done well done *claps lots*
only THAT makes the film worth seeing
duncanatrix From: duncanatrix Date: June 9th, 2004 10:07 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you SO much for mentioning that they just kinda forgot about JD's brother. These summaries are most excellent.
___blank___ From: ___blank___ Date: June 9th, 2004 10:36 am (UTC) (Link)
Hee. These are pretty good!

The thing about this movie that pissed me off was all the disregard for the "cold weather". Like when Sam was out climbing on the METAL ocean liner without any gloves. Or when his dad lost his friend, and then PUT HIS BARE FACE on the glass roof.

I've lived in constant -40 Celsius weather. Believe me, my face did not go outside uncovered. : (
silkymoonshine From: silkymoonshine Date: June 9th, 2004 02:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
ROTFLMFAO. Loooooved it. Hilarious shit, man. *hops off giggling*
From: cooree Date: June 9th, 2004 03:32 pm (UTC) (Link)

homestarrunner

HAHA!!!TOKIO :- HAILSTONED!!!

ARROWED!!!

haha, the best bit by far was this one "TIDAL WAVE: I KEEL YOU!"

haha, I dropped my guitar I laughed so hard, Man, Im sueing you for that btw!

heh, Nice one, done any more?
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: June 9th, 2004 03:44 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: homestarrunner

About six others so far--try this page: http://www.livejournal.com/community/m15m/2004/06/
myska_x From: myska_x Date: June 10th, 2004 03:33 am (UTC) (Link)
damn, I actually agreed to go see this movie, just because I really really wanted to read your 15-minute version of it... talk about devotion *lol*

that was brilliant!

please don't make one on 'Weeping camel', okay? *looks cute*
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: June 10th, 2004 06:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Awww! That's hardcore, yo. And I can promise you that I do not think "Story of the Weeping Camel" is in my future any time soon, given the general lack of art-flick theaters in town. ;)
krss From: krss Date: June 10th, 2004 01:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
This story has made me smile and chuckle during a bad-ass day at school. Thank you. =)
chichiri_no_da From: chichiri_no_da Date: June 11th, 2004 09:55 am (UTC) (Link)
Best. Movie. In Fifteen Minutes. EVER! *dies*
From: (Anonymous) Date: June 11th, 2004 03:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
I saw this movie like... just now, and it scared the hell out of me, as many things do, because I'm a total wuss. Thank you for making it non-scary with added hilarity. The guy who plays Sam/Donnie... mm. Where was J.D? The one from Scrubs? He's vairy pretty but I didn't notice him anywhere.

Where's my Donnie Darko in 15 minutes?!
Love the 'plot points' stuff. Had to explain this to my slow-witted boyfriend.
Keep at it. You should so be published.
braen From: braen Date: June 12th, 2004 05:42 am (UTC) (Link)
LOL!

I really hate catastrophic films, so I haven't seen the film (and I don't think I'm doing it either), but that's been hilarious.

Thanks for the laugh.
pheron From: pheron Date: June 12th, 2004 05:06 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Freaking On Target

Man this was so perfect. I laughed out loud and teared up as I went throu the wonderful piece of work. I laughed harder than when I saw the movie! (Seriously I love disaster movies but when they get this stupid like VOLCANO I laugh out loud in the theater and it becomes a whole new things)
Please keep this up.. please...
I luv you, man.
lucaslar From: lucaslar Date: June 12th, 2004 06:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Donnie Darko references and all! I love you.
sparky_max324 From: sparky_max324 Date: June 12th, 2004 06:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
OMFG!!!!!! THAT WAS SOOOO HILARIOUS!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!
polgarawolf From: polgarawolf Date: February 6th, 2005 06:39 am (UTC) (Link)
(Dying of laughter) Thank you thank you thank you!!! I agree with the above!!!!
142 comments or Leave a comment
Page 1 of 5
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5]
profile
m15m
User: m15m
Name: m15m
calendar
Back July 2012
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031
links
page summary
tags