You are viewing m15m

entries friends calendar profile holy crow, there's a book! Previous Previous Next Next
Movies in Fifteen Minutes - 2012 in Fifteen Minutes
This is, after all, what happens when you cross the streams.
cleolinda
m15m
cleolinda
Share
2012 in Fifteen Minutes
1) O hai! I'm going to see the ~*Special Preview Omg*~ of New Moon tonight! I feel it's more fair to wait until after opening weekend, though, so if my performance anxiety lets up long enough for me to write anything, it will appear no sooner than Monday.

2) This one's quick and loose (as quick as TWO HOURS AND THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES can be), hope you enjoy it.

3) STOP REPOSTING MY STUFF, SERIOUSLY



I. The First 57 Minutes of the Movie

[I'm not using too many of the actual character names, because let's face it, I don't care and you don't either.]


The Institute of Copper Mines and Sun Science, 2009

DR. INDIAN GUY: Solar flares! Physical reactions! FERAL NEUTRINOS!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: No--it can't be! You can't mean--

DR. INDIAN GUY: YES. We are in--A DISASTER MOVIE. Look at these calculations!


(The Day After Tomorrow - teen romance) x (Independence Day - aliens) x (Deep Impact - Elijah Wood)
x (Earthquake + Dante's Peak + Poseidon) = Waterworld

© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: The Poseidon Adventure, or the bad remake?

DR. INDIAN GUY: The bad one.

DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: MY GOD.



Some Fundraiser, 2009

DR. EJIOFOR: omg I have very important news namely that the world is going to end wtf

OLIVER PLATT, WHO IS SOME KIND OF GOVERNMENT SOMEBODY: We're fundraising, peon. Security! Kbai.

DR. EJIOFOR: LOOK, YOU ASSHOLE, I AM A RESEARCH SCIENTIST IN A DISASTER MOVIE!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: ... I can probably give you five minutes.



The Oval Office, 2010

[Danny Glover is playing the president, because apparently they couldn't afford Morgan Freeman.]

PRESIDENT GLOVER: Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Heads of State... I regret to inform you that we have known for six months...

THE OTHER HEADS OF STATE: SIX MONTHS??

PRESIDENT GLOVER: ... that the director of this movie... is Roland Emmerich.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE OTHER HEADS OF STATE: :O



Somewhere Over in The Da Vinci Code, 2011

THE MANAGER OF THE LOUVRE: We evacuated the masterpieces but they are not where we put them! It is all a conspiracy! I know the truth! I have called a press conference to tell the wor[*FIREBALL*]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
MADEMOISELLE THANDIE NEWTON: L'OMFG.



The Institute of World Ending and Panic Studies, 2012

DR. INDIAN GUY: GEOBABBLE ZOMG
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: WTF NO

DR. INDIAN GUY: THERE IS NO MORE TIME

DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: NOOOOOO
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DR. INDIAN GUY: MOST OF EVERYONE WILL DIE

DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: *EJIO TEAR*



Coincidence Beach, California, 2012

[John Cusack is the Everyman Hero; I guess they couldn't afford Nicolas Cage. He has an ex-wife (Amanda Peet) and two kids, a preteen with a bad attitude ("Noah") and a bedwetter with a hat fetish ("Lilly"). They, in turn, have a stepfather who we will only call "Gordon," because this movie hates him.]

JOHN CUSACK: If I gotta bond with the kids in the middle of worldwide miniquakes, I say we go to Yellowstone. You know, with the geysers and the largest volcano in North America, where the deer and the antelope rot by the mysteriously dried-up lakes.

AMANDA PEET: In a limo?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: I'M A QUIRKY DYSFUNCTIONAL WRITER, OKAY?

AMANDA PEET: Whatevs. Just don't forget Lilly's Pull-Ups and her thirty-seven earflappy caps.

LILLY: The one with kitty ears is my favorite!



Everyone Else, WHATEVER, I DON'T CARE

THANDIE NEWTON: I'm actually the President's daughter! I hope there's exactly one (1) other black actor in this movie for me to fall in love with.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BLU MANKUMA: I'm a cruise ship singer!

GEORGE SEGAL: It's true! We play highly ironic lounge songs on ocean liners.

BLU MANKUMA: I'm so proud of my son Chiwetel! I hope he calls me one last time before we all die.

GEORGE SEGAL: I've never met my granddaughter because I'm racist! I hope I don't have to listen to my son and his family die because I was too big an asshat to call them sooner.

RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE: I am beeg stereotype with great moneys and celebutante girlfriend. Also twin boys who are the spoiled assholes. My first son, he is boxer like once I am. That is why I walk out on him when government calls to say we all die. I give them beellion dollars to take me with. Ironically, I am beeg capitalist.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HOT SASHA: I am private pilot of beellionaire. Also Russian. And hot. Extremely.

RUSSIAN NIFAUXLE RICHIE: As long as this purse dog I have, I get to live!

RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE: Fake boobs I bought you also great flotation device.



Yellowstone National Park

[John Cusack decides to climb over the huge STOP - NO TRESPASSING - END OF THE WORLD fence with his kids because apparently they're all too stupid to live. Fortunately (?) they run into Woody Harrelson, Conspiracy Nut. (He's the kind of unwashed hippie nutcase who mutters about how the gummint is out to get us, let's put it that way.) Later that night, after Noah texts his dad all OMG I H8 U from all of three feet away and Lilly's cuddling her six favoritest hats, John Cusack leaves his children defenseless in the woods to go stumbling upon Woody Harrelson broadcasting from Radio KRZY-100 in a camper. I'm assuming they were able to afford Harrelson because they paid him in weed.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: Hey, man, you gotta download my blog, it explains EVERYTHING!

JOHN CUSACK: I don't know that you really "download" a--

CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: MSPaint rarrrr dinosaurs Mayans secret map Rapture spaceships beer?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: ... I'll have a double.



Quaaaaakes, Quakes Will Tear Us Aparrrrrt

GORDON: You know, here back at Coincidence Beach while the kids are gone, I feel like there's just something coming between us, Amanda.

AMANDA PEET: Like my unwillingness to have a baby with you? Or my ex-husband's continued but inevitable presence in our lives?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
GORDON: That, or the giant chasm now running through the Kroger, sure.



WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING, BLOW STUFF UP ALREADY

DR. EJIOFOR: HEY YOU CLIMBED OVER MY--omg! omg omg! YOU'RE THAT WRITER PLAYED BY JOHN CUSACK! I love that one book you wrote about Atlantis and humanity banding together to learn the meaning of Christmas or whatever! You're free to go!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LILLY: Daddy, can I have a military hat?



BLOW STUFF UP NOWWWWWWWWW

[So Unsuccessful Writer John Cusack goes back to his not-writing job, where it turns out that he was working as Russian Billionaire's limo driver, and his last act as such is to drive the Russian Billionaire and the asshole twins and Nifauxle Richie and Hot Sasha and the purse dog to their plane because they're going to fly away to...?]

TWEEDLEDUMSKY: Secret ships of the government that Beelionaire Daddy pays for!

TWEEDLEDEESKY: We survive!

TWEEDLEDUMSKY: IS NOT FOR YOU!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
TWEEDLEDEESKY: YOU CAN NOT HAS!

JOHN CUSACK: ... omg.


II. The Part of the Movie I Actually Paid to See


THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE I HATED

[Governor Fauxenegger is on TV assuring the people that everything will totes be okay WHEN SUDDENLY:]


THE EARTH

OKAY LOOK HUMANITY
I AM SICK OF YOUR DUMB ASS
AND A WHOLE HOUR OF NOTHING HAPPENING
GTFO


© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: JESUS CHRIST IT'S CALIFORNIA GET IN THE CAR

LILLY: Not without my hats!!

GORDON: Cusack, we have earthquakes all the time--

JOHN CUSACK: GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!!!!!!!!

GORDON: Excuse me, this is a PG-13 MOVIE and there are CHILDREN IN THE LIMO--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: I'LL SWEAR IF I FUCKING WANT TO, GORDON, THE WORLD IS GODDAMN FUCKING ENDING IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIE.

[So The Earth starts throwing freeways and explosions and liquid shit and little old ladies at the Gordon-Cusacks--]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A GIANT FUCKING DONUT

[-- and jump a bunch of insta-gorges while people scream and die. Okay... maybe that part's not so cool.]

GORDON: Wow... shots of people hanging and jumping from collapsing buildings. That's... uncomfortably... 9/11-esque.

LILLY: *bawl*

[You made a little girl CRY, 2012. ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?]

JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING HELL IT'S ANOTHER AWESOME PART AND IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[And then they DRIVE THROUGH A FALLING SKYSCRAPER while California collapses beside them and over them and under them like a bad soufflé and it is THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, or at least the most awesome thing I have ever seen involving a limo and an earthquake. Then they get to the airport, where someone's got to fly a tiny private plane through a terrifying action sequence, who could possibly do it?]

GORDON: But I can't flyyyyy, I only took two lessons because that's what bored rich doctors dooooo--


THE EARTH
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
FLY THE PLANE, ASSHOLE


[And then California falls into the sea. Woe.]



Somewhere Over Yellowstone National Disaster

GORDON: Cusack, where are we even GOING?

JOHN CUSACK: See, I met this crackpot conspiracy-nut DIY radio host in a camper in Yellowstone and HE says that the world's going to end because the Aztecs ran out of calendars or some shit but more importantly the GOVERNMENT knows about it and they have SPACESHIPS to escape on and I know some rich Russian asshole who can get us on one. Maybe. Probably. But I need the conspiracy nut's secret map, you see, in order to figure out where the spaceships that may or may not exist that we may or may not be able to get on are! And Fucknut's up there on... the biggest volcano in North America. YOU STAY HERE WHILE I TAKE HATGIRL TO FIND HIM.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
AMANDA PEET: WHAT THE HELL?

JOHN CUSACK: I must take a small child if I am to get out of this action scene alive!

AMANDA PEET: ...!!1!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
GORDON: Well, he is right, you know.

[So John Cusack hijacks the Camper of Crazy to hunt down Crazy Woody Harrelson, who is broadcasting from the tippy-top of the Yellowstone Caldera all "COLORS ARE PRETTY" getting ready to Tweet the apocalypse or whatever--]

JOHN CUSACK: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, WHERE'S THE SECRET MAP?!?!

CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: I... uh... I filed it behind "Roswell"? After "Illuminati"? Beside "Birthers"? NO! I filed it under "MacGuffins"--hey, did you just see those two hobbits run by?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: EXCELLENT, THANKS, HAVE A NICE DEATH

[And then the Yellowstone Caldera asplodes in a three-tiered mushroom cloud.]

JOHN CUSACK: IF ONLY WE HAD A FRIDGE FROM THE '50S!

[But John Cusack's got Hatgirl in the camper with him, so they're totally okay. They jump another insta-gorge and everything! And then The Earth starts pelting them with fire and brimstone and giant expensive volcano meteors, all of which miss the Camper of Crazy while The Earth rips open right behind them. I totally believe all of this could happen because it is BADASS.]

GORDON: All right, whatever, we're leaving. BUCKLE UP.

LILLY: But Daddy's looking for the map to save us!

AMANDA PEET: THAT IS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN AND THE STAR OF THE MOVIE, YOU ASSHOLE!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
GORDON: PEACE OUT, LLOYD DOBLER

[But you can outrun the temperature and you can outrun the wind, so obviously John Cusack can outrun the apocalypse. Gordon, who is not the star of the movie, is only just able to outfly it.]

JOHN CUSACK [*unfolding map*]: Drum roll, please! We are going to...

AMANDA PEET: CHINA?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: .. fuck.



Leaving Las Vegas

[Once they get as far as Mordor Vegas, they run into Russian Billionaire again, and it JUST SO HAPPENS that Gordon was the plastic surgeon who installed Nifauxle Richie's fake boobs, so Russian Billionaire lets them come with when it's time to escape on his Assholov 500 plane filled with hot sports cars. And then Vegas asplodes. The most important part of this scene is Hot Sasha, being hot.]



III. The Rest of the Movie, Which Bored Me Stupid


The White House Chapel

DR. EJIOFOR: Mr. President, it's time to flee!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
PRESIDENT GLOVER: I have decided, like any good captain, to go down with my ship--I, the very last President of this great nation. But let me tell you, Dr. Ejiofor, it gives me great hope that there is exactly one (1) black actor to fall in love with my daughter. Please, enjoy your tacked-on romance through our future surviving generations.

SOME AIDE: Excuse me, Mr. President, it's time to announce that everyone's going to die.



Jumbotron, Times Square

PRESIDENT GLOVER: ... and so, in conclusion, we decided not to tell you until right now that there are a bunch of Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks and you're not on them. Death is imminent for us all, but I'm sure this prayer will console y--[*FIZZLE*]



EXPLODE SHIT ALREADY, I'M DYING OVER HERE

SOME FX GUY: So which monuments do we want to destroy this time?

ROLAND EMMERICH: Well, the White House, obviously, because we always destroy the White House. Politically dissatisfied audiences eat that up.

SOME FX GUY: Is there any other kind?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ROLAND EMMERICH: LOL

SOME FX GUY: So, the Eiffel Tower, then?

ROLAND EMMERICH: Didn't we already do that one?

SOME FX GUY: Possibly? We've destroyed a lot of stuff, I can't really remember.

ROLAND EMMERICH: Well, let's hedge our bets and destroy the Eiffel Tower on top of that one casino.

SOME FX GUY: How about the Sistine Chapel?

ROLAND EMMERICH: Oh, I don't think we've ever trashed anything in Italy, that's good.

SOME FX GUY: And we can totally show the ceiling splitting right between the fingertips of God and Man.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ROLAND EMMERICH: I am totally giving you a bonus for that. A fruit basket, certainly.



Washington, D.C.

[Due to the Yellowstone ash cloud, nuclear winter has already set in over D.C. Then the U.S.S. John F. Kennedy tsunamis on over and pwns the White House (see, because President Glover is going down with the ship, and...), where the President is impaled by a falling pun.]



Some Ironically-Named Ocean Liner

GEORGE SEGAL: You know, it really is too bad that I'm so racist, I should reconcile with--


THE EARTH

CRY MOAR
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
~BITCHNAMI~



The Assholov 500

[While Hot Sasha tries to get them as close to China as their current fuel supplies will allow, there are many tender, quiet moments involving people we don't actually care about, while Lilly strokes a pilot's hat and Nifauxle Richie comforts her purse dog.]

GORDON: All I've ever wanted is a family--a family to love and to love me, the way my wife and stepkids are clinging to Cusack right now.

NOAH: Dad, you should be nicer to Gordon, because he's unexpectedly awesome and you suck.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: Shut up and snuggle, you little bastard.

AMANDA PEET: Is it possible for a dysfunctional weaksauce writer to change? Could we love again, John Cusack? Because seriously, there's probably going to be a high male-to-female survivor ratio in the New World. I'm thinking [*waves hands*] ... man harems.



Oh, Some of the Humanity!

OLIVER PLATT: Okay, so President Glover went down with the ship, and the Vice President blew up somewhere, so I'm now--

SOME AIDE: What about the Speaker of the House? The President pro tempore of the Senate? The rest of the cabinet?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: SO BASICALLY I'M PRESIDENT NOW.

[The animals of the Earth that people actually like are airlifted over to the four Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks hidden in a Secret Chinese Dam, as well as Dr. Ejiofor and Thandie Newton, two by two.]

DR. EJIOFOR: Dr. Indian Guy and Mrs. Dr. Indian Guy and The Littlest Indian Guy just got tsunami'd! You never sent anyone to pick them up! OMG HDU.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: Suck it, Science Boy, I left my own mother to die at Shady Pines.

DR. EJIOFOR: WAIT. How did you decide who got a seat on the Ark?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: Look, it's incredibly simple: we got a team of the best eugenicists to pick out the richest bunch of assholes.

DR. EJIOFOR: >:O



The Assholov 500

[The plane will run out of fuel before they reach China, because duh. For a moment I sincerely thought they were going to siphon all the gasoline out of Russian Billionaire's eleventy-umpteen sports cars to keep the plane going, because that is nowhere near the most implausible thing that would have happened in this movie. But no, John Cusack decides that they should all pile into a Bentley and drive out of the plane mid-air, because John Cusack can outdrive anything, including plane crashes, QED. And they can do this because the Earth's crust has shifted so far that they are now over China. Are you for real? FOR REAL. SERIOUSLY--]


THE EARTH

*SIZZLE*

[OW THAT USED TO BE MY HAIR]

[But Hot Sasha must continue to pilot the plane so that everyone else can escape, but he gets the plane to stop RIGHT halfway over the edge of the cliff. Whew! But it starts seesawing! Run, Hot Sasha! Run! RUN! I SAID RUN GODDAMMIT YOU ARE TOO HOT TO DIE--]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
* $100,000 FIREBALL FX *

[NOOOOOO, HOT SASHA WHYYYYYYYY.]

[And then the Chinese military shows up to take the Russian Billionaire and Family to the Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks, which turn out to be actual ships and not spaceships because I guess the movie ran out of money to be that awesome, and he totally dicks over the Gordon-Cusacks and leaves them to die of special effects. Oh, and he also leaves Nifauxle Richie and the purse dog, because he knew she and Hot Sasha were totes doing it the whole time.]



Inside Some Secret Chinese Dam

[One of the Conspiracy Arks got bashed in by an action scene, so now they're down to three and 1/4 of the people who were supposed to survive are panicking and rioting and trampling each other to death at the docks. OH LOOK THERE IS THE RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE AND HIS KIDS. Irony: it's a bitch.]



The Big Emotional Grandstanding Speech

DR. EJIOFOR: We must let these people onto the other three Arks! If we let them die, then there is no point to saving any of humanity at all. If you do not save these greedy billionaires, it will all have been FOR NOTHING.

ALL THE OTHER WORLD LEADERS: *tears of togetherness*
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: FINE. But we are SO LEAVING the Chinese workers behind, don't even ask.



Some Chinese Family, Because Someone Not American Has to Live

YOUNG BUDDHIST: Grandma! Grandpa! Brother Who Worked on the Secret Chinese Dam! We must save these stranded white people because my mentor The Great Rinpoche told me that the cup is empty.

CHINESE BROTHER: What does that even mean?

YOUNG BUDDHIST: Look, I don't know. That's why he's The Great Rinpoche. Well, I mean, now he's The Dead Tsunami'd Rinpoche, but the point stands.

CHINESE BROTHER: You know, I'm going to have a hard enough time smuggling my own family into the Conspiracy Ark. I don't even know how you expect me to sneak--one... two... six people and a purse dog in there too.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
YOUNG BUDDHIST: But look! That one is the hero! We can't fail if we've got a MOVIE STAR with us!

CHINESE BROTHER: EVERYBODY IN THE TRUCK!



Secret Survivor Conspiracy Ark #3

[While everyone's trying to crowd onto the American Ark, Chinese Brother drills into an access panel and shovels the gang inside. Unfortunately, while the drawbridge whatever gate is trying to open or close or look, whatever, my eyes were about to fall out of my head at this point and we still had an hour to go, Russian Billionaire gives the Tweedledumskys a boost to safety but falls to his own death and more people get crushed and trampled and the whole thing isn't working so well, and then--wait, that's right, the gate must have been opening because now it's trying to close and Our Heroes are about to get crushed to death and Chinese Brother gets his foot geared off so John Cusack throws the drill between the giant wheels and GORDON IS HORRIBLY CRUSHED TO DEATH ANYWAY? WHAT? WHAT?]



THE EARTH
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SERIOUSLY I AM GETTING REALLY BORED WITH THIS
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE TSUNAMIS
AND ALSO MOUNT EVEREST



[Dr. Ejiofor and Thandie Newton run down to the engine room to see why the drawbridge whatever gate is blocked and the ship is taking on water and the engines won't start and all the passengers who didn't get trampled are drowning. Look! Down there in various flooding compartments!]

DR. EJIOFOR: Hey! I KNOW THAT GUY! I'm his only fan! WE HAVE TO SAVE THE WEAKSAUCE WRITER! He is the most important, least expendable character in the entire movie!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Maybe I like this movie more than I thought.]

JOHN CUSACK: This is all my fault--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ALL THE DROWNING PASSENGERS: YEAH IT IS

JOHN CUSACK: --so I should be the one to swim down and pull the drill out.

AMANDA PEET: Nooooo, you must not go! It is a suicide mission! MY HAREM'S ALREADY DOWN BY TWO!

JOHN CUSACK: Hot makeout to remember me by?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
AMANDA PEET: Oh, it is THE LEAST you can do.



Oh, We Haven't Stolen Anything From Titanic Yet, Why Not

OLIVER PLATT: Okay, seriously, Mount Everest is REALLY CLOSE NOW, Cusack needs to get on the stick down there.

[The American Ark scrapes the European Ark and the strangely, disproportionately small terrain of Mount Everest and a few icebergs and then Air Force One crashes into it because what? I don't even know.]

LILLY: HELP HELP I DON'T LIKE DROWNING IN HERE BY MYSELF WITH THE PURSE DOG
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
NIFAUXLE RICHIE: Noooooo! I am not American! I AM NOW WITHOUT CHILD OR ANIMAL! Obviously now I *glug glug glug*

NOAH: I have to go after Dad and help him, since I'm totally over that whole Gordon thing too!

AMANDA PEET: NO YOU WILL DIE AND I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT A HOT MAKEOUT TO REMEMBER YOU BY
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
NOAH: But my name is NOAH and we are on an ARK.

AMANDA PEET: ... Godspeed, my son.



Several Reels from The Poseidon Adventure Later...

[Father and son pull out the drill and John Cusack quietly kicks Gordon's mangled body out of the way and the drawbridge gate draws bridge! We are all saved, unless we already drowned! We should have totally run out of air by now, and Chinese Brother definitely should have bled to death, but we needed to save someone who's not American so that's cool. Noah resurfaces in the Cusacks' compartment but... John Cusack does not.]

AMANDA PEET: ...

LILLY: ...

CHINESE FAMILY: ...

PURSE DOG: ...

AMANDA PEET: Oh my God, my harem.

DR. EJIOFOR: Please. If he were really dead, we wouldn't have sat here waiting this long.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JOHN CUSACK: *TRIUMPHANT SOGGY EMERGENCE!*

DR. EJIOFOR: We have averted the extinction of humanity!

THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T DROWN: WOO!

DR. EJIOFOR: AND WE SAVED THE WRITER!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T DROWN: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!



The Cape of Good Hope, Because "Hope," You See, And...

[Forty days and a dove later, all the people who weren't trampled or drowned or crushed or left behind gather on the decks of the Arks. Lilly pets her new military hat and she doesn't need her Pull-Ups anymore, mostly because THERE AREN'T ANY NOW, and everyone loves John Cusack again. Presumably he will be a successful writer now, because everyone is really, really bored.]

DR. EJIOFOR: Look! Africa is the only continent to emerge unscathed! It wasn't even flooded! Now we can start all over again with John Cusack's Atlantis book to guide us, right where humanity began.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
OLIVER PLATT: PRESIDENCY DIBS!

DR. EJIOFOR: Hey, Thandie! Hot makeouts now? I mean, we are the only two black people left.

THANDIE NEWTON: Well, it's about predictable damn time!



Africa, The Cradle of Humanity

THE EARTH
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HEY GUYS
A BUNCH OF MOSTLY WHITE PEOPLE ARE ON THE WAY
THEY WANT TO COLONIZE



ACTUAL AFRICANS: AW HALE NO!


Fin.




Creative Commons License

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License. Please do not repost this text without permission or credit. Brief quotations and journal icons are considered fair use; you are welcome to make or use them.


Site Meter (Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Tags: ,

Comments
Page 1 of 10
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10]
sunihiroku From: sunihiroku Date: November 18th, 2009 06:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
THIS MAKES MY DAY. :D :D
darthfox From: darthfox Date: November 18th, 2009 06:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
w00t! (but I see I am not the first comment. Ah well. [g])
golden_d From: golden_d Date: November 18th, 2009 06:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
JOHN CUSACK: IF ONLY WE HAD A FRIDGE FROM THE '50S!

*dies laughing*

You're a wonder, Cleolinda. This is awesome.
shocolate From: shocolate Date: November 18th, 2009 06:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
you cannot be serious??

except I trust you... but...

*curls up in a ball and whimpers*
raineblack007 From: raineblack007 Date: November 18th, 2009 06:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Bravo! I will not see this movie ever now. Thank you seriously for that.
cmdr_zoom From: cmdr_zoom Date: November 18th, 2009 08:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
Word. (And that word is Daaamn.
a_proclivity From: a_proclivity Date: November 18th, 2009 06:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh I needed this. Thanks so much!
wumbawoman From: wumbawoman Date: November 18th, 2009 06:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
I saw the equation and knew this was going to be good.

Ok, back to reading again and again.
cupcakery From: cupcakery Date: November 18th, 2009 06:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Feral neutrinos? But, but, neutrinos are, by definition, neutral! My head; the English language!
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: November 18th, 2009 06:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
Seriously, it's that kind of movie.
whisperwords From: whisperwords Date: November 18th, 2009 06:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
*cracks up*

I love how this movie totally resolved in happiness and cheer despite the fact that the entire premise was the inside of the earth superheated and is melting. Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure that's irreversible doom shit right there.
From: sushixpack Date: November 19th, 2009 12:36 am (UTC) (Link)
ICON LOVE
dusktodawn From: dusktodawn Date: November 18th, 2009 06:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
L'OMG

best line ever
From: sushixpack Date: November 19th, 2009 12:36 am (UTC) (Link)
seconded!
orgrimmar From: orgrimmar Date: November 18th, 2009 06:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
I spent the latter half watching this movie, just HOPING you'd cover it.

I was like, "you know what would be awesome? a fifteen minute rendition of all this!" THANK YOU FOR FULFILLING MY HOPES! :D
jeditigger From: jeditigger Date: November 18th, 2009 06:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
I feel like Dug from UP: I do not know you, but I love you.

Hahahahahahaha, many giggles.
gobblersknob From: gobblersknob Date: November 18th, 2009 06:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank GOD I skipped that one.
igntethestars From: igntethestars Date: November 19th, 2009 06:35 am (UTC) (Link)
I think I want to marry your icon

[/random comment of random]
bienegold From: bienegold Date: November 18th, 2009 06:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
JOHN CUSACK: JESUS CHRIST IT'S CALIFORNIA GET IN THE CAR

Truly your greatest line ever.
slythwolf From: slythwolf Date: November 18th, 2009 08:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
For reals!
colleenwebb From: colleenwebb Date: November 18th, 2009 06:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh my goodness. I could not imagine siting through all that. Great job!
filkertom From: filkertom Date: November 18th, 2009 06:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
As usual, amazing. :)
bellereve_ From: bellereve_ Date: November 18th, 2009 06:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
YES
heartlessempath From: heartlessempath Date: November 18th, 2009 06:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh my. :) I'm not induced to see the movie because I hate disaster movies... But this was fun!
ailaes From: ailaes Date: November 18th, 2009 08:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
OMG I love that icon!!
kauricat From: kauricat Date: November 18th, 2009 06:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
So many good bits in this one! NOAH on the ARK! I never even put that together. And

Then the U.S.S. John F. Kennedy tsunamis on over and pwns the White House (see, because President Glover is going down with the ship, and...), where the President is impaled by a falling pun.

That is completely awesome. You have obviously struck a fresh vein in the comedy mines.
iluvbroadway06 From: iluvbroadway06 Date: November 18th, 2009 07:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
Icon love!
fading_october From: fading_october Date: November 18th, 2009 06:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
You made this movie x1000000000000 times better than it actually is.

<3

wondersheep From: wondersheep Date: November 18th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
Icon love.
breebers From: breebers Date: November 18th, 2009 06:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
L'OMFG.

That was priceless. I now feel like I don't have to spend two and a half hours watching the movie, pining over Cusack and wondering when he'll be in something I actually want to be watching. I'll just go watch Grosse Pointe Blank.

THANK. YOU.
havocs_roman From: havocs_roman Date: November 18th, 2009 08:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
I would love to understand John Cusack's career choices.

Weirdly enough, I liked (him in) 1408. I didn't think the movie was half bad, and he was very, er, don't know if the word is earnest, exactly, but he made me care about the character instead of wanting him to DIEDIEDIE of stupid (which usually happens to me in horror films), so I'm thankful.
kelaina From: kelaina Date: November 18th, 2009 06:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
Cleo you are all kinds of awesome.

I had no intention of seeing this film, and I thoroughly enjoyed the lulz provided.

The limo was my favorite!

Also, cheers for New Moon M15M! I'll be sending good thoughts your way!

You can totally do it! I bet TLE will play his violin just for you! Soothing background noise and all that!
noelleleithe From: noelleleithe Date: November 18th, 2009 06:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Y'know, once I finished giggle-snorting over this, I realized I don't remember any actual Noah-and-the-Arks references in the movie. And really, WHY would you name a kid in Waterworld II: Electric Boogaloo Noah unless you were going to make Noah-and-the-Arks references?
jeditigger From: jeditigger Date: November 18th, 2009 07:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
I need to get back to work, and reading Waterworld II: Electric Boogaloo does not help me stop laughing, damn it!
flasheart From: flasheart Date: November 18th, 2009 06:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
You are SO AMAZING! Thank you for this!
celli From: celli Date: November 18th, 2009 06:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
I appreciate your sacrifice in making me laugh this hard. :D:D:D
383 comments or Leave a comment
Page 1 of 10
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10]
profile
m15m
User: m15m
Name: m15m
calendar
Back July 2012
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031
links
page summary
tags