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Movies in Fifteen Minutes - New Moon in Fifteen Minutes
This is, after all, what happens when you cross the streams.
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New Moon in Fifteen Minutes
Yeah. I spent a week in a phlegm-laden coma. It took me about a week longer to write this than I expected. Background/catch-up links:

Twilight
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
Made of Fail podcast that I was on: Twilight movie discussion episode
Original commentary on Twilight (book)

New Moon
Discussion of New Moon (movie) and fan behavior at an early preview
Made of Fail podcast that I was on: New Moon movie and celebrity/fandom discussion episode
Original commentary on New Moon (book)

By the way, I would recommend clicking the links here within the text itself; a couple of them are really... something else. Reading 2012 in Fifteen Minutes may also help.




Early O'Clock, Casa de Swan

CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella!

BELLA: DAAAAAAAAAD! I was dreaming about being my own grandmother, DO YOU MIND.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHARLIE: Look, I got you a camera so you can take pictures of your friends! You know, those kids you should stop ignoring, in case your creepy boyfriend suddenly leaves you. And hey, your mom got you a scrapbook to go with it... what? What? Why is that so funny?



Forks High

EDWARD: *jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Happy birthday, paleface! I stopped by Redskins 'R' Us and got you a dreamcatcher. I hear you'll be needing one a few scenes from now.

BELLA: Thanks... I guess?

EDWARD: deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans*






[Edward is one pack of cigarettes rolled up his sleeve from a rumble with the Sharks; I kind of want to pinch Jacob's cheeks. It's a little bit Opposite Planet, is what I'm saying.]

EDWARD: Happy b--

BELLA: NO DON'T TALK ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY I AM NOW A YEAR OLDER THAN YOU I'M SUCH A COUGAR lol except okay yeah you are a hundred years old YOU ARE SUCH A DIRTY OLD MAN OMG SO GROSS hanging around like this with an underage teenage girl except wait I'm legal now because OH GOD I AM EIGHTEEN AND THAT IS ONE MORE THAN SEVENTEEN AND I AM SO OOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: o_O ...?

EDWARD: Yeah... this is my life now.



Some English Class

BELLA: ilu bb

EDWARD: So while we're on the subject of Romeo and Juliet where everyone can hear us, I've been contemplating suicide lately. You know, some ironic but thematically appropriate means involving characters you're just now hearing about for the first time, should the plot necessitate it. I'm thinking... death by sparkle at high noon.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: I SAID, ILU BB

SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: Mr. Cullen! Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us, so that the fangirls in the audience can record it on their phones and play it on repeat every night before they go to sleep.

EDWARD: *sigh*
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: A bit louder, Mr. Cullen! Some of them will want to use it as a ringtone.



Bella's OMG STOP TALKING ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY Party

BELLA: Hey, I've been hanging out at your house all this time, but I've never noticed this painting before.

EDWARD: Well, you have been attached to my face for the last six months. It's a portrait of the Volturi--you know, the vampires who would help me kill myself, like I said.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Yeah, the foreshadowing is really nice.

[And then a revival of Interview with the Vampire breaks out.]




[And all the Cullens got her presents just like she didn't want: Alice got her a dress from Hot Topic and Rosalie got her a necklace inscribed Whatever, Bella, I Hate You and Emmett's all like YO BELLA I GOT YOU THIS STEREO IT'S TOTALLY FLY, but right as Bella's opening Carlisle and Esme's present, Jasper's hair flips out and tries to snarfle her, so Edward... hurls Bella into a table full of sharp and breaky things. GO YOU, SPARKLES.]




Mad Hair Disease is a serious issue that affects us all



The Rainforest in Bella's Backyard

EDWARD: So we're all leaving town and I don't want you to come.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Edward, you haven't wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.

EDWARD: Bella, I am too dangerous for you. If I stay in these movies, there will constantly be some threat to you. I must leave you, because I love you.

BELLA: WTF EDWARD NO

EDWARD: Bella, let me mansplain this to you, since a frail helpless female would never understand what's best for her: I am BAD FOR YOU and I have NO SOUL and I am not willing to take yours and sometimes I feel really funny when you kiss me and I think this is bad for my virginity and you are going to GET DEAD if we stay together. Just promise me to stay not-dead after I leave and we'll call it even.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: WTF NO NO NO YOU CAN'T NO
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.

BELLA: EDWARD!

EDWARD: SPARKLE OUT.

BELLA: EDWARD!!!

EDWARD: *VAMPIRE HAND*

BELLA: ...omg.

[Bella then curls up in the woods to die, too shellshocked even to notice that Some Ripped Quileute Guy carries her home. She remains catatonic in her room while OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, and DECEMBER drift past her window.]



Scenes of Bella Attempting to Move on With Her Life


Scenes of Bella Setting a Good Example for Real-Life Teenage Girls


Scenes of Bella Putting on Her Big Girl Panties and DEALING WITH IT


© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[These never appear in the series.]

CHARLIE: Okay, that's ENOUGH. You've been sitting here in your pajamas not changing facial expressions for FIVE MONTHS, writing emails to that loopy Cullen girl who won't even answer you, waking me up every night with screaming nightmares--what the hell are those even ABOUT? The kid dumped you, he didn't rip the beating heart out of your chest!

BELLA [opening overshirt]: YES HE DID.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHARLIE: Well... then... spackle that up and... go pretend you have friends or something. Harry and I gotta go hunt.

BELLA: Hunting? In your police uniform?

HARRY CLEARWATER [ominously]: The plot points have returned.



The Alley Behind One-Eyed Pete's

JESSICA: So I mean, I know that zombies are this big thing because it's, like, a critique of the capitalist sheeple status quo or whatever, but who wants to spend two hours watching a zombie take his shirt off? No one, that's who. They probably don't even have abs, just, like, flabby rancid organs falling out and stuff. Yeah. That's hot. Last time I ever let you pick the movie. Wah wah my heart's been ripped out of my chest screaming nightmares I'm incomplete without a man wah, when we could be watching Inglorious Biceps or Johnny Depp Is Sexy Doing Anything--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[A pack of biker guys in the parking lot start catcalling at the girls, so Bella flashes back to that time in the first movie when she got in trouble with street-prowling lowlifes and Edward rode in on the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice to save her. Volvo: The vehicle of choice for busting out hardcore rescue maneuvers, yet dependable enough for the everyday chauffeuring of one's delicate human. The name always sounded way too much like a woman's secret place for Edward's comfort, but safety is important. In conclusion: Volvo. Out of habit, Bella starts heading for trouble.]

IMAGINARY EDWARD: No, Bella! Don't go any closer, my sweet moron!

BELLA: So... wait. If I risk my life in incredibly stupid ways, I'll have hallucinations of my ex-boyfriend berating me? SWEET.

[So Bella rides off with some really sketchy biker while Imaginary Edward wisps along all NEVER GO TO A SECOND LOCATION WITH A STRANGER and BELLA, I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU ARE NOT EVEN WEARING A HELMET until finally even Bella gets freaked out by her complete lack of instinct for self-preservation.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SOME BIKER: And then she just ran off before I could kidnap her or assault her or anything!

SOME OTHER BIKER: Aw, don't take it personally. She was probably just distraught over visions of her vampire ex-boyfriend.

JESSICA: OH MY GOD. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, go directly to CRAZYTOWN.

[Because Jessica is talking sense, she is not allowed to speak again for the rest of the movie.]



Jacob's House, La Push Reservation

BELLA: Hey Jacob, can you give me a hand? I'll never get this broke-ass motorcycle up and killing me by myself.

JACOB: You wouldn't happen to just be using me for my l33t mechanic skillz, would you?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: No! Of course not! I'm also using you to fill the gut-wrenching, Edward-shaped emptiness in my soul.

JACOB: Oh, well... cool, then.

[Because Jacob is awesome and funny and charming, he soon has Bella accepting nourishment and listening to indie soundtrack rock again. He even gets her to interact with people, having upgraded his posse to a couple of boys who are actually his age. Oh, and who look good without shirts.]

QUIL: Hey baby, you so pale and slim and clumsy, baby.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: HEY, DON'T YOU HAVE A TODDLER TO IMPRINT ON OR SOMETHING?



A Little Somethin' for the Ladies

[Well, this whole movie is a lotta somethin' for the ladies, but... exceptionally so.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: OMG LOOK AT THOSE SHIRTLESS GUYS TRYING TO KILL THEMSELVES, THIS IS SOMETHING I AM INTERESTED IN

JACOB: Bella, they're just cliff-diving.

BELLA: Hey, wait--is that--Quil and Embry?

JACOB: Yeah... they used to be my friends, and then they joined Sam's musclebound boy-band cult. And I think he wants me next.

BELLA: Sure, that's great, whatever. Now, about this death bike thing...

[So Jacob teaches Bella the safe and responsible way to start and stop the motorcycle, so that she can then completely ignore him and go roaring down the road while Imaginary Edward (Bellaaaaaaaaaa) and his handwringing (Bellaaaaa, I told you to wear a hellllllllmeeeeeeeet) pop up to distract her (Don't you need a license for one of these thiiiiiiiingsssss) like obstacles (If I were real I would so tell on youuuuuuuu) in a bad video game. So of course she wipes out and cracks her head open. GOOD JOB. Then Jacob strips off his shirt so he can dab ineffectually at the blood pouring from Bella's head, because he is not old enough to receive certification in emergency lapdance.]




BELLA: Wow... you're sorta beautiful.

JACOB: : )
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Now, if you were skinny, pasty, and a foot taller, we'd be in business.

JACOB: : (



Invigorated, Bella Rejoins the Mundanes

MIKE: So... Bella... you wanna go see a movie this weekend? I was thinking about this romantic comedy called Mike Newton Finally Makes His Move--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: A movie sounds great--hey guys! Who wants to go see Face Punch: The Ultimate Cockblock?



No, Seriously, It's Actually Called Face Punch

[And it is pretty much the most awesome movie ever. I mean, until Mike runs off to hworf up his popcorn in the restroom.]

JACOB: Bella, do you like me-like me? Here, check yes/no/maybe.

BELLA: Jake, if you persist in trying to get me to give back to you emotionally, you are totally going to ruin our friendship, and then I won't be able to use you anymore.

JACOB: Never, Bella! I will never give you up! I will never let you down--I will never run around and--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
MIKE: Before I get carried off to the hospital, I would just like to say: OLD MEME.

JACOB: OH YEAH? WELL, I'LL PUT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL! WHERE YOU WILL NOT HAVE ADEQUATE HEALTH CARE UNTIL THE SENATE VOTES ON A BILL!

MIKE: What was that, "acting"?

BELLA: Oh my God, Jake--you're so hot.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Thanks, baby.

BELLA: No, I mean, I think you are running an actual fever. Like a fever of at least a hundred and--

JACOB: I HAVE TO GO NOW.



The Cure Is Not More Cowbell

[Supposedly Jacob has the flu, but now he won't answer the phone, won't answer the door, won't speak to Bella at all. So she goes out in search of her emotional crutch, only to find him out moping shirtless in the rain, his hair cut short, the Sign of the Boy Band Cult tattooed on his arm, all his charm gone. Unfortunately, like Samson, his awesome was in his hair. It's all downhill from here.]

JACOB: It's not you, it's me! I'm not good for you, Bella! STAY AWAY OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET HURT! Go on, leave me to my emo before I run out of ironic clichés!

BELLA: You can't break up with me! I wasn't even letting you go out with me!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[But then Sam and his Brotherhood of the Waxen Pec arrive to collect Jacob.]

BELLA: YOU KNOW, AT LEAST I GOT SOME PREMARITAL SNUGGLING OUT OF EDWARD FIRST!



Edward's Favorite Meadow (He Had a Favorite Meadow)

[Desperate and alone, Bella goes back to her favorite eyesexing place, but it's nothing but a parched, empty field now. You guys, Edward bounced and he took the meadow with him. HE TOOK THE MEADOW WITH HIM. Unfortunately, he did not take that one bad shirtless vampire from the first movie with him. No, the other one.]






LAURENT: Y hello thar, tastiness.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
IMAGINARY EDWARD: Lie, Bella, lie!

BELLA: SO MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND'S ON HIS WAY AND YOU'RE GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE REAL REAL SOON

IMAGINARY EDWARD: LIE MORE BETTER

[Surely Real Edward will come running to save her! But no! His dazzle is too imaginary, woe. THEN SUDDENLY a pack of GIANT FREAKING WOLVES jump out and chase after Laurent and you know whatever happens next is going to be TOTALLY AWESOME, so Bella just... runs home.]

BELLA: OMG CHARLIE CHARLIE THE PLOT POINTS AREN'T BEARS! They're giant freaking wolves!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY CLEARWATER, OF THE WEREWOLF CLEARWATERS: No, they are bears. They are totally, totally bears.

BELLA: No! I saw them! They were... uh. Doing stuff. And then I came home. The end.

CHARLIE: So... there was a pack of Giant Freaking Wolves out in your favorite meadow, doing... stuff.

BELLA: Look, I only ever hear about these things after some male character fills me in, I'm not allowed to actually be there when interesting things happen.



Casa de Swan... After Dark

JACOB: Bella! Can I climb into your room, even though I'm mostly naked and it's late at night?

BELLA: Wait--I don't--you're asking first?

JACOB? What? Of course! What kind of creep would just show up in a girl's bedroom?

BELLA: Jake, no! I haven't opened the window yet!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Don't worry! My nipples can cut glass!

[So Jacob parkours up the tree on into Bella's room in his unshirtedness, with his Marky Mark undawears hanging out.]

JACOB: Remember the story I told you in the first movie?

The Beach, La Push Reservation

BELLA: Wait, what?

JACOB: Yeah, there's all these bullshit stories about how my people were descended from wolves and the Cullens were descended from themselves and my miniskirted ancestors made a truce with the Cold Ones back in the days of old or the '30s or something. And they can never, ever come to our beach, so there.

JACOB: I really, really need you to remember--MY EYES ARE UP HERE, BELLA.



BELLA: Mmm. Story?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: The story about the--STOP PETTING MY ABS.

BELLA: Oh, you mean the story about how Edward was actually a sexy dangerous vampire the whole time and I didn't know it?

JACOB: *FACEPAW*



He's--A Warwelf? A Worwilf?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: OHHHHHHHHH.

[So Bella marches over to Jacob's house in righteous indignation to confront Sam's Esoteric Order of Pectorals--]

BELLA: *FACEPUNCH*

[--which pisses off one of the Lesser Freaking Wolves. Hey, maybe action movies really do promote violence. BEEFCAKE SMASH PUNY FEMALE! Jacob decathlons out of the house to save her! DUELING FURSPLOSIONS THROUGH THE YARD, HOPE YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT ROWBOAT TOO MUCH, and it is so awesome that the camera falls over.]






QUIL: I say we go eat.

BELLA: What? Shouldn't we wait until they stop killing each other?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
QUIL: Nah, they're gonna be here a while. Generally I like to leave before the winner starts humping.



Werewolf Central

[Let's have an infodump while we wait on the furries to quit wrestling!]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
QUIL: So Jacob couldn't tell you stuff because Sam alpha-ordered us not to and that means you literally can't disobey him except maybe Jacob could a couple of books from now because he's secretly the REAL pack leader which I know because we can all hear each other's thoughts when we're out wolfing which is pretty awesome except when there is weredrama and that kind of sucks like right now because we're really kind of sick of Jacob thinking about you all the time, like seriously, you don't even want to know--let's just say it's a good thing we've got a stash of extra pants in the woods so you won't see when--

EMBRY: OMG, STFU NOOB

EMILY: Hey, Vampire Girl! I'm a Wolf Girl because I'm engaged to Sam, the pack leader. I mean, yeah, he clawed half my face off because one day he got mad and I was standing there, but he felt real bad about it afterwards.

SAM: I only hurt the ones I'm close to, baby.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EMILY: Weremuffin?



The Beach, La Push Reservation

BELLA: So... you came down with a fever of a hundred and werewolf and... now you're allergic to shirts.

JACOB: It's not a lifestyle choice, Bella. It's not like I wanted the women of America to treat me like a piece of meat. [*GLARE*]

BELLA: Hey, who said I was complaining?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Well, I mean... that's kind of what you do.

BELLA: Well, since we're on the subject: YOU KILL PEOPLE WHEN YOU GO WOLFING, OMG WTF HDU.

JACOB: Um, NO, we kill VAMPIRES, who kill people. Like Laurent, in a fight that was too awesome to actually show you. Victoria sent him ahead for some reason. If only we could figure out who Victoria is after!

BELLA: UM, EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME, WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK.



Speaking of Whom...

[Victoria is back and redder than ever in stylish thrift-store mourning for James, the Bad Shirtless Vampire that the Cullens killed in the first movie. Both her speed-mo and her vamp-fu are vastly improved, and she pretty much gets the one awesome background song in the entire movie while the werewolves chase her through the forest. Unfortunately, Harry Clearwater has to keep Victoria from finding Charlie and Charlie from finding the wolves--]

CHARLIE: Is that a Giant Freaking Wolfprint?

HARRY: What? I see nothing.

CHARLIE: Hey, who's that redhead?

HARRY: I have no idea what you're talking about.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHARLIE: But there's a Giant Freaking Wolf chewing on her head---

HARRY: LOOK OVER HERE, I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!



The Cliffs of Coincidence

BELLA: I can't live without a man. If this is the only way I can get him to tell me how stupid I am, so be it.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[So Bella takes her swan dive, because Swan, you see, and...]

BELLA: Wow! I lived! I can fling myself off cliffs every day if I want to hear Edward bitch at me!


THE EARTH

ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL
WHAT IS THIS RETRO '50S BULLSHIT


*BITCHWAVESLAP*


Bella's Life, Sparkling Before Her Eyes

[Victoria just happens to jump off the same cliff while fleeing the werewolves, so she's sharking slowly through the watery gloom while Bella drowns, but that's okay, because Edward's with Bella now.]






BELLA: I mean, it's just Imaginary Edward, but the ocean's like a metaphor for sex, right? That's a pretty good way to go--WEREWOLF CPR WTF YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME DIE
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Yeah... Harry Clearwater IS dead. While you were out there throwing your own life away, something bad actually happened to someone else.

BELLA: ... Awkward.



Snuggling in Bella's Broke-Ass Truck

JACOB: Warm your hands at my chestular fires, baby.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Ahhhh... a monster who could kill me, a hero to save me when I do something stupid, a man to drive the truck for me... it's almost like being with the guy I actually love.

[Just as Bella decides she still can't bring herself to throw this kid a pity kiss, LOOK LOOK IT'S A VOLVO OMFG A VAMPIRE VOLVO!]

JACOB: Bella, no! It's some kind of trick! I'm outside wereterritory here, I can't defend you! STAY OUTSIDE AND DO WHAT I SAY!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: WHOA WHOA HEY THERE, WOLFBOY! YOU DON'T GET TO PUSH ME AROUND! YOU DON'T EVEN TWINKLE!

JACOB: *TRUCKPUNCH*



Casa de Swan

[OMG IT'S ALICE! HEY ALICE! She came alone, though, just to see if Bella was dead or not because she psychically saw Bella jump off the cliff and rather than call and be like HEY BELLA, I SEE THAT YOU'RE GOING TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF IN THE NEAR FUTURE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO RETHINK YOUR LIFE STRATEGY THERE, she just took her sweet-ass time driving over and scared the shit out of the other Cullens but that's cool because it turns out that Bella's just stupid, not dead. But why could Alice not see that Bella would be fished out by a werewolf?]

ALICE: THE WERE IS HARSHING MY CLAIRVOYANCE

JACOB: YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY

ALICE: SHUT YOUR FACE DOGBREATH
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: JACOB SMASH MOUTHY SHE-PIRE

ALICE: STFU MUTT

JACOB: GTFO LEECH

ALICE: NO, YOU

JACOB: NO, YOU

[--until Bella finally breaks it up to take Jacob aside:]

BELLA: We don't have to keep going around in bullshit love-triangle circles like this!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Yes, we DO! It's our destiny! I'm fated to end up with one of your ova!

BELLA: ... what?

JACOB: Uh... kiss me?

[Jacob manages to get one lip within macking distance of Bella WHEN SUDDENLY the phone rings:]



Some Melodramatic Garret in Rio

[Edward's holed up in some dive and his hair is sticking out in more directions than usual and his shirt isn't even starched and there's dead exsanguinated rats piled up to the ceiling because he's been too chagrined to clean up after himself. He's got a great view, though--enjoy Christ the Redeemer before Roland Emmerich trashes it three years from now!]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD [on phone]: Wolfboy? WHY ARE YOU AT THE RESIDENCE OF MY BELOVED? ... WHERE'S CHARLIE? .... "HE HAS A FUNERAL TO ARRANGE"??

[*phonecrush emosob*]



Casa de Swan

[Alice stops Bella from throttling the fever-hot werelife out of Jacob because something is coming in over the wire!]

ALICE: Edward's going to kill himself! In a thematically appropriate way!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: IN THE MANNER THAT WAS FORESHADOWED?!

ALICE: Omg, are you psychic too?!

BELLA: WE MUST SAVE HIM

ALICE: VAMPIRE VOLVO, AWAY!

JACOB: NO, BELLA! You shouldn't love a dangerous bloodsucker! You should love a dangerous werewolf instead! JACOB KNOW BETTER THAN STUPID GIRL! JACOB SMASH VAMPIRE! JACOB SMASH BELLA IF PUNY FEMALE MAKE BIG STRONG MAN MAD!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Excuse me, do you sparkle? No? Then slow your roll, Furball.

[Alice and Bella tear off in the Cullenmobile to conjure Bella an insta-passport and two tickets on an immediate flight that just happens to get from Seattle to Italy right in the nick of time, because Alice is awesome, and plot holes wither away before her awesomosity.]



Virgin Airlines

[OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.]



Volterra, Italy, The Vampire Capital of the World, Because We Totally Have That

[Volterra is real? I'll be damned. So everyone's hanging out in red bathrobes at a parade for the Feast of St. Irony, commemorating the day that vampires were driven out of Italy, because... what? Look, Alice steals a hot yellow Porsche to get them there, that's all you need to know.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ALICE: Okay, Bella Adoraklutz Swan: all you have to do is run up and down these hilly side streets, around five hundred tourists, and through a fountain in exactly five minutes without... falling on your... oh, God, we're doomed.



Teenage Sparklecide: Don't Do It

BELLA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *stumbletrip* OOOOOOOOOOOO *touristshove* OOOOOOOOOOOO *elbowthrow* OOOOOOOOOOOO *pigeonkick* OOOOOOOOOOOO *fountainsplash* OOOOOOOOOOOO *sparkleslam* OOOOOOOOOOOO!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Edward looks down in the middle of his suicidal unshirtfulness and notices that he is suddenly wearing a teenage girl.]

BELLA: NO! EDWARD! STOP! The movie's not shitty at all!

EDWARD: Really?

BELLA: The production values are certainly a lot better. And it's already made a crap-ton of money!

EDWARD: Well, but I heard the reviews were pretty bad--

BELLA: MORE IMPORTANTLY I AM ALIVE, HELLO
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: DARLING!



Inside the Volturi Palace

EDWARD: Bella, of course I was lying when I said I didn't love you! How could I ever get sick of your whining?

BELLA: Edward, you crushed my heart in your marble fist and left me catatonic with grief for months on end. You said exactly the things that you knew would hurt me the most, counting on my low self-esteem and human inferiority complex to make me believe them. Why should I believe anything you say ever again? How can I trust you now?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: Sparkle makeouts?

BELLA: NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

[In the middle of this endless sunlit liplock, Colossus and Leech show up.]

BELLA: EXCUSE ME WE ARE EYESEXING DO YOU MIND

[The "young" henchvamps have brought Edward a complimentary bathrobe and, uh, an ass-kicking summons oh shit. Alice pops up, having stolen all the tiny hotel soaps and stuffed a mini-bar into her purse--]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ALICE: Pillow mint?

[--but then Dakota Fanningpire shows up, and because she is the biggest name in the entire movie, they all have to do what she says.]



The Volturi Throne Room

[The henchvamps take Our Heroes to see the Volturi, the head vampires thoughtfully explained at the beginning of the movie. They are led by Aro, who is FABULOUS.]




LOOK AT THIS GQ MOTHERSPARKLER


[FYI: Sparklepires tend to have X-Men superpowers. Alice can see the future, as was previously necessary to the plot. Aro can read someone's entire mind (except Bella's) and everything they have ever thought by touching them. Marcus has the powers of 1) of seeing relationships, because apparently that's a power, and 2) being bored off his ass.]

MARCUS: Eh, wake me when the food gets here.

[Dakota Fanningpire Jane has Jedi mind-taser skillz, and Caius has the power of sneer. Ironically, I think Colossus and Leech have powers, but we don't see them use any.]

CAIUS: So what's Twinkletoes' power?

ARO: Reading minds (except the tasty one's)--but wait! He also attracts teenage girls!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD [somewhat haunted]: ...and their mothers. So many, many mothers.

ARO: You see! I knew you would be useful to us. And so here we are--true love! A happy ending! Manflesh fanservice! Everyone wins! Jane, crucio them with your eyeliner.

JANE: :D

BELLA: ...?

JANE: >: (

ARO: Awetabulous! Splendiferous! The human has some kind of power as well! It would be terribly ironic if she were to use it against us someday! Not to worry, not to worry--we have to kill you all anyway. Shame. I mean, unless you were going to turn the human into a vampire, but--

BELLA: I'M TOTALLY OKAY WITH--

EDWARD: Stand back, my love, I will protect you! They can't hurt us--all we ever do in this "saga" is stand around and talk!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: --SERIOUSLY, THERE'S NO NEED TO--

ARO: Colossus? Pain him.

EDWARD: You can't do anything to me--I'm the hero! And I'm not just any hero--I'm the dreamiest hero there ever was!

ALICE: EDWARD, NO! THEY MAKE UP ACTION SCENES FOR THE MOVIES--!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ARO: Colossus? Pain him in the face.



Fifteen Minutes of Hard Surfaces Later

[Colossus pile-drives Edward into several marble fixtures. Judging by the cheers, I'm guessing that this is the part the four guys in my audience came to see.]

ARO: Oh, Colossus, those were my favorite steps. Well, anyway: kill them.

ALICE: No! Wait! I have seen the future, and Bella will become a vampire, which makes everything okay!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[And then Alice shows Aro a flashforward to Breaking Dawn--I am not making this up--in which Edward goes loping in slo-mo through a magical forest and then Bella runs by all a-sparkle, because apparently Bella getting vampired will send them back in time a hundred years to a world where Edward can finally wear all the beige he wants.]




ARO: SERIOUSLY? Well, I can't wait to see that. You're free to go!

[... unlike the crowd of tourists currently being herded past Bella and the Cullens.]

BELLA: Who's that?

ALICE: ... the food.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Run! Run from real vampires doing actual vampiring!]



Casa de Swan

[Bella's grounded for life, but that's okay because Edward's back to lurking in her room and watching her sleep, just the way it used to be. Ah, bliss.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Do I get to be a vampire now?

EDWARD: No!

BELLA: How about now?

EDWARD: No!

BELLA: HOW ABOUT NOW?

EDWARD: NO!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: BUT HE SAID I GET TO BE ONE NOW!



Emergency Family Meeting, Chez Sparklepire

BELLA: All in favor of me becoming a vampire?

[Jasper's hair is all for Bella being less tasty, and Emmett is stoked to actually get a second line of dialogue, but Rosalie is all WHATEVER BELLA I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GRATEFUL AND ALL THAT YOU SAVED EDWARD'S DUMB ASS BUT I NEVER WANTED TO BE A VAMPIRE SO YOU SHOULDN'T EITHER, AND ALSO: BABIES.]

BELLA: All in favor of me becoming a vampire so I'll shut the hell up?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE CULLENS: *unanimous*



POINTLESS LOVE TRIANGLE WHATEVER WHY ARE WE STILL DOING THIS

EDWARD: Jacob, allow me to express my humble gratitude that you took care of my frail helpless woman after I punked out. P.S. I WIN.

JACOB: YEAH WELL IT SAYS IN THE WEREVAMP TREATY THAT YOU CAN'T BITE HER SO THERE

[And right as they're about to tear away their shirts and have an ab-off, Bella throws herself between the two men she loves! Gasp!]

BELLA: Look, Jacob: Edward is the love of my life, but jerking you around makes me feel good. See you around in the next movie.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Oh--yeah? Well--I'll--I'll go find a better series! A series that deserves a charming, snarky, comparatively normal character like me! A series that will actually give me a fighting chance at getting the girl--ANY girl--a girl who's already been BORN! THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!

BELLA: Really? You will?

JACOB: ... *weresob*



Not, Literally Speaking, The "Climax"

EDWARD: So you really want to be a vampire? You want to live forever? You want to be with me? You want, in living forever, to be forever with me?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: HELLO YOU HAVE GRADUATED SCHOOL LIKE FIFTY TIMES IN A ROW I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART

EDWARD: Then I have one condition.

BELLA: ...?

EDWARD: [Pause.]

BELLA: EDWARD, I AM TEN SECONDS OLDER THAN I WAS TEN SECONDS BEFORE, HURRY UP

EDWARD: [Pause. Pause pause pause. Pauuuuuuuse.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: EDWARD, I AM DYING OF OLD AGE HERE, SPIT IT OUT

EDWARD: [Pauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse.] Marry me.

BELLA: ...!


[THE END.]


[Wait, what?]


[You know why this is a cliffhanger? Because Bella's actual reply is that she is too young to get married. TOO YOUNG. TO GET MARRIED. BEFORE SHE DIES. AS A TEENAGER. Fortunately all the fangirl squee covered up the sound of my head exploding.]







BELLA: If I say yes, can we do the sex now?

EDWARD: NO!



Fin.



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Comments
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angeleyesjg24 From: angeleyesjg24 Date: November 30th, 2009 04:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
EEEEE! Awesome!!!!!
emerald_skies From: emerald_skies Date: November 30th, 2009 04:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yay! I've been ridiculously excited for this. Makes me look forward to going to MST3K the shit out of the movie with Le Boyfriend once finals are done :P

ETA:

1) The upsidedown!text for upsidedown!Edward made me giggle. Actually, all of the hallucination!Edward dialogue made me giggle.

2) Oh my god, the sparkly!text. That made me laugh and, in the process, inhale the water I was sipping (and almost inhale the bottle it was in).

3) Jasper's hair and Edward's hair need to start a Twitter page together. I'm just sayin'.

Excellent recap as usual, Cleo *thumbs up*

Edited at 2009-11-30 04:50 pm (UTC)
jira_rd From: jira_rd Date: November 30th, 2009 05:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
3.) I just spat out my coffee laughing SO HARD AT THIS IDEA. Oh god it would be so so epic of epicness.

Jaspercurls: *need a brushing, cannot figure out how I want to look today*

Edwardlockage: @jaspercurls: don't worry you'll look fine, and alice will make you look great
black_faery From: black_faery Date: November 30th, 2009 04:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
[And then a revival of Interview with the Vampire breaks out.]

I got this far and had to pause so I didn't die from the laughter! :D
cupcakery From: cupcakery Date: November 30th, 2009 04:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
Somewhere, Daniel Malloy is cringing and saying a reverent prayer of thanks that he never had to interview these vampires.
cupcakery From: cupcakery Date: November 30th, 2009 04:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Scrapbooking reference FTW! And Emmett is so my favourite.

Aw, Jasper, bb, come back to the real acting - we could always do with another dose of your split-personality/gendered Adam/Amanda back on Criminal Minds.

Edited at 2009-11-30 04:34 pm (UTC)
aymaera From: aymaera Date: November 30th, 2009 05:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
The Adam/Amanda thing will never get old omg



a_proclivity From: a_proclivity Date: November 30th, 2009 04:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am cackling so hard, and now I never need to see it, even for the lulz. Thank goodness!
From: p0ped Date: September 24th, 2010 11:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Lol this made me laugh! I’m a huge fan of Twilight and have seen this film plenty of times but I will now constantly watch it with this post in my mind lol. Never really thought if New Moon like that before! Worcestershire Locksmiths
dramedy From: dramedy Date: November 30th, 2009 04:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
HEE! I love it! :D :D :D :D :D I may go see it tomorrow, lol, because it sounds brilliantly awful.
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: November 30th, 2009 05:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
I would highly recommend that people actually see the movie at some point (in no small part because "Now I don't have to see the movie!" doesn't really thrill studio types), if only to see how much of this I totally, totally did not make up. Like, seriously, none of it.
notorious_oit From: notorious_oit Date: November 30th, 2009 04:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
OMG. People PAID to see that? Thank $deity for M15M, it's prevented me from wasting my money on sucky movies, and also made me feel a LOT better about having seen other crap movies (I'm looking at YOU, "Troy in 15 Minutes").
celticwitch99 From: celticwitch99 Date: November 30th, 2009 10:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hm. I know a 40+ yr old woman who has been to see it 6 (yes, I said 6) times. I, uh...well, once was enough for me.

I will say here, however, that I thought it was a great improvement over "Twilight".
miladygrey From: miladygrey Date: November 30th, 2009 04:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
EDWARD: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.

I laughed so hard I cried. RPattz should send you a thank-you note for saying what he's forbidden to say.
hermionegsnape From: hermionegsnape Date: November 30th, 2009 06:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
agreed!
hakojo From: hakojo Date: November 30th, 2009 04:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
I went to see this yesterday with my mom, and I totally laughed my ass off at the Virgin Airlines thing XD

She elbowed me for sniggering madly at Edward not wanting Bella to come, though.
mayatawi From: mayatawi Date: November 30th, 2009 05:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
YES THAT. Also the way Sam's been... looking at Jacob. Like he... wants him for something. :D
flamingtoilet From: flamingtoilet Date: November 30th, 2009 04:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
You're a stronger person than I am, Cleo. I had to quit after Bella went for her swim. I had, like, negative willpower points.
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: November 30th, 2009 05:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
What? You missed the awesome hilarious parts! See, it's like three different movies, almost, and the "third" one is the entertaining one.
vega_ofthe_lyre From: vega_ofthe_lyre Date: November 30th, 2009 04:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
Of all the awesome, it was the "Marky Mark undawears" that made me spray water at my screen :D And OMG the upside down text in the water? PRICELESS. Amaaaaaazing job with this ♥
madripoor_rose From: madripoor_rose Date: November 30th, 2009 04:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
Awesome as always.

[Edward's holed up in some dive and his hair is sticking out in more directions than usual and his shirt isn't even starched and there's dead exsanguinated rats piled up to the ceiling because he's been too chagrined to clean up after himself. He's got a great view, though--enjoy Christ the Redeemer before Roland Emmerich trashes it three years from now!]

I REALLY didn't need to start wondering what would happen to vampires in the 2012 movie.
kittycatness From: kittycatness Date: November 30th, 2009 04:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
I cannot lie, I actually burst out near screaming with laughter when she got the scrapbook.
I also clapped with glee during the Volturi sequence with Aro. The word "Dumblevamp!!!1" may have been squee'd under my breath. And all of the complaints of my friend next to me (who wanted to leave after the marble face-cracking) was "You need to stay and watch Alice be awesome, okay?".

Your recaps made the whole thing worth it. Thank you.
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: November 30th, 2009 05:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
I couldn't figure out why I hadn't gone to town on that little coincidence when I originally did the commentary for the second book, and finally I realized--Growing Up Cullen didn't exist yet. Sometimes I forget that it isn't actually canon.
singeaddams From: singeaddams Date: November 30th, 2009 04:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
...and their mothers. So many, many mothers.

BWA!
onlyonechoice From: onlyonechoice Date: November 30th, 2009 04:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
*roflcakes* God, that's where I lost it too.
From: roseforaprince Date: November 30th, 2009 04:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
So much love. SO MUCH LOVE. I just spent Thanksgiving with my fiance's family, including his age-nine-and-eleven year old sisters. They were all ZOMG TEAM JACOB BECAUSE JACOB IS SEXXXXXXY.

Their dad previously taught literature at a university and he stared at me with a look of disgust as I explained a handful of events in Breaking Dawn. He says he's team Edward/Jacob because if Jacob was "in love" with Bella because of her offspring, it should go equally to Edward.

This man is my hero.
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: November 30th, 2009 05:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hee, that was my question as well--why isn't Jacob madly in love with the other contributor to Renesmee's genes? To which someone in the comments replied, in essence, that there's a thin line between love and hate. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.
youngcurmudgeon From: youngcurmudgeon Date: November 30th, 2009 04:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
YAY!

The bit with Jacob rickrolling Bella and the health care joke was my favorite!

Also: "Yeah, this is my life now" made me giggle like a giggly thing.
a_hollow_year From: a_hollow_year Date: November 30th, 2009 04:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
He's--A Warwelf? A Worwilf?

I know this is a dumb thing for me to love you for, but I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS.
a_hollow_year From: a_hollow_year Date: November 30th, 2009 05:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
Upside down Edward text is also a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
downrightamazed From: downrightamazed Date: November 30th, 2009 05:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is brilliant. I share with you a song I did, in hopes you will find it kindred in spirit at the very least. Real Vampires Don't Sparkle:

http://thedarkclan.bandcamp.com/album/real-vampires-dont-sparkle?permalink&vis=equaliser3d
robinmc From: robinmc Date: November 30th, 2009 05:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
You never cease to amaze me.

I really wish I could use the term "GQ Mothersparkler" in real life. It's too awesome for such a limited reference.
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: November 30th, 2009 05:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
See, that's why I just tucked it in there as a caption--I felt kind of bad for recycling a joke from Half-Blood Prince so soon.
plazmah From: plazmah Date: November 30th, 2009 05:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT

*dies*

*resurrects self*

I also wish the emergency lapdance was a Real Thing. And I loved the sparkling text, LOLOLOL.
maxineofarc From: maxineofarc Date: November 30th, 2009 05:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
BELLA: Edward, you haven't wanted me to come for six months now.

HA!
nodiskette From: nodiskette Date: November 30th, 2009 11:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
That line nearly killed me.

Also, that is a most excellent icon.
litlover12 From: litlover12 Date: November 30th, 2009 05:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
OHMYGOSH MST3K REFERENCE I LOVE YOU!!!!

Also, I totally want an "I am not a powdered donut" icon now.

(And you caught the Virgin Airlines thing too!)

Bravissima!!!!
secret_x_stars From: secret_x_stars Date: January 1st, 2010 06:20 am (UTC) (Link)
WAIT MST3K REFERENCE WHERE?! I MISSED IT SOMEHOW. D:
z_k From: z_k Date: November 30th, 2009 05:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
"POINTLESS LOVE TRIANGLE WHATEVER WHY ARE WE STILL DOING THIS"

So so true.

Actually it's kind of worth to go and watch some crappy movie (boy, was New Moon crappy), so I could read your Movies in 15 minutes.
scarletsherlock From: scarletsherlock Date: November 30th, 2009 05:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
GQ MOTHERSPARKLER.

I am slain.
hippydippymama From: hippydippymama Date: November 30th, 2009 05:08 pm (UTC) (Link)

ILU

This is so, so awesome. Seriously. Quite possibly my new favorite, usurping Goblet of Fire and Troy.

In order of reading:

REDSKINS R US LMAO.

Okay, I haven't seen any of the movies. I think Rpattz, fabulous though he is, is just a horrible-looking Edward, and when I heard that Nikki Wood was playing Rosalie, I just washed my hands of the whole mess. So I haven't even seen any of the others.

WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BLONDE GUY SUPPOSED TO BE?! Is that supposed to be CARLISLE FOR FUCK'S SAKE? Why is he in a fugly coat? And sweet baby Moses, IS THAT JASPER!? THAT'S JASPER, RIGHT? WHAT THE HELL?! *fumes* Okay, there is absolutely no way I could go see this in theaters. I would just laugh my ass off the entire time. Maybe once it goes to the dollar theater.

teeheehee "I don't want you to come" gigglegigglesnorfle.

VAMPIRE VOLVO OF GREAT JUSTICE will never, ever stop cracking me up.

"The Cure Is Not More Cowbell" HAHAHAHAHAHA.

HARRY CLEARWATER, OF THE WEREWOLF CLEARWATERS: No, they are bears. They are totally, totally bears.
Am I the only person who flashed back to "Cousins. Totally cousins,"?
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: November 30th, 2009 06:58 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: ILU

That is, in fact, Carlisle. Even Bella is like, "Is that CARLISLE?" And it's all 1700s up in there, hence the coats.

And, see, I didn't start reading the books until after I saw the first trailer, so RPattz just IS Edward to me. I mean, not in the creepy way, in the "He is the only actor I can ever imagine playing this character (and then taking off his costume and going home and being a completely different, normal guy)" way.

The sad thing is, Jasper's hair looks relatively decent (considering what they generally do to Jackson Rathbone in these movies) in his first scene at school and his last scene at the house. So of course it's his big scene where it looks like ass.
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