?

Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile holy crow, there's a book! Previous Previous Next Next
Phantom of the Opera in Fifteen Minutes - Movies in Fifteen Minutes
This is, after all, what happens when you cross the streams.
cleolinda
m15m
cleolinda
Phantom of the Opera in Fifteen Minutes

As promised: Phantom of the Opera in Fifteen Minutes. I'm still counting up the fundraising, but we'll have a final count soon. I'm already running late with the book manuscript, but this was a very quick write--it practically parodies itself, and it was fun, and a good palate cleanser.



ETA 4/02/05: Okay. I'm gonna try to be real clear about this. I really, really liked the movie. I liked the book. I have never seen the show, but I would probably like it, and I ended up really enjoying the music. I like the actors involved. PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ME COMMENTS ABOUT MY "HATE" FOR THE MOVIE. The point of these parodies is "affectionate snark." The jokes are written with love. If I hated the movie, I wouldn't bother. If you think I'm not funny, that's one thing, but please don't leave me long screeds about how I didn't "understand" or "appreciate" the movie, because you're preaching to the choir. (Yes, I have received, and am still receiving, a lot of these. Two today alone, in fact.)

P.S. Please look up the difference between "heroin" and "heroine" before you complain about my "Heroine Addict" icons. It's a pun. It's supposed to be a positive thing. I'm not calling anyone a drug user. Thank you, and enjoy.





Oh, and since it always comes up: I never have a problem with anyone leaving comments. In fact, if you'd like, you can leave them in the comments for me to see. But please don't copy or repost the entire thing anywhere; excerpts and links are always fine, though.

ETA: Minor corrections have been made to dates and a couple of names.





Phantom of the Opera in Fifteen Minutes


Some Black-and-White Frame Story

[A nurse wheels Vicomte Raoul de Chagny into the decrepit old opera house for an auction. We know she’s an official nurse because she has a gigantic stork-like white nurse hat. A woman, who is clearly either Madame or Meg Giry because she is played by Miranda Richardson, recognizes Raoul, but does not go to him.]

AUCTIONEER: Let’s see—Lot 665, one creepy-ass ugly monkey found in the Opera vaults. Any takers?

SOME MADAME GIRY: Me, me!

RAOUL: Mmmmf.

RAOUL’S NURSE: Him, him!

AUCTIONEER: Sold! To the ancient gentleman with the Flying Nun. Moving on to… Lot 666, the Broken Chandelier OF DOOM—
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ASSISTANT: And exposition.

AUCTIONEER: —OF DOOM AND EXPOSITION!

SOME GUY IN THE BACK: Why in the hell would anyone want to buy a giant broken chandelier?

AUCTIONEER: It’s a piece of history that figures in a deep and tragic mystery! Also, we wired it with electric bulbs. Look, it goes from cold to bombast in five seconds!

[Apparently the chandelier is also a time machine, because we are blasted back into 1870, a halcyon time marked by its love of garish opulence and naked gold women. LOUDLY.]




Hannibal Rehearsals

[Judging by the costumes, Hannibal apparently crossed the Alps on several Raggedy Ann dolls after he ate all the elephants.]

LEFEVRE: These are the two new managers, Firmin Something and Andre What’s-His-Name, and this is our new patron the Vicomte de Chagny. I am leaving because this whole freakshow is giving me ulcers. Best of luck, break a leg, enjoy your phantom, au revoir!

FIRMIN: Whoa, check out the blonde with the headlights.

MADAME GIRY: Zat ees mah DOTTAIR.

FIRMIN: Oh. Well, what about the hot brunette?

MADAME GIRY: Zhe es LAIK mah dottair.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ANDRE: Hey, we’re all French, right?

FIRMIN: Last time I checked, yes.

ANDRE: Well, then why is she the only one with a French accent?

RAOUL: Yeah, yeah, wonderful rehearsal, I gots to jet. Here’s 500 francs, call someone who cares.

[The women discuss the exiting Hotness de Chagny:]

CHRISTINE: He didn’t even recognize me! Sigh. We were total childhood sweethearts, and we used to play together and everything, and he used to call me—

MADAME GIRY: Christie?

MEG: Chrissy?

MADAME GIRY: Tina?

MEG: Chris?

CHRISTINE: Lotte!

LA FAMILLE GIRY: …

[Meanwhile…]

FIRMIN: Please, we grovel on our knees and kiss your satin ass, Carlotta. Please sing for us already, because it’s kind of dirty down here—

ANDRE: And I have arthritis!

CARLOTTA Fine-a. I singa for you.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
Thinka me,
thinka me fondleEeEeEeE,
when we'va saida
goodBYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—

A FALLING BACKDROP: *puts everyone out of their misery*

FIRMIN: Oh, thank God.

A FALLING BACKDROP: Don’t mention it.

CARLOTTA: YOU INSULTA MAH GENIUS! I LEAF AND MAH DOGGEH LEAF TOO! SCREWA YOU ALLA!

ANDRE [whacking Firmin upside head]: Great, now we can’t have our gala tonight.

MADAME GIRY: Christine can zing eet. P.S. Ze opéra ghost wants ’is paysheck.

FIRMIN: You’re sure? Well, start from the beginning of the aria, then.

CONDUCTOR: I can’t find any “aria.”

ANDRE: The beginning of the overwritten pop ballad, whatever.

[Christine can totally sing it. She blows everyone away, and we dissolve to…]


Some Gala Performance

[…Christine going to Opera Town on the ballad.]
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
MADAME GIRY: I am zo glad Empress Sisi’s hand-me-downs fit ’er.




Some Gothic Little Chapel

MEG: Wow, you were great! Who’s your voice teacher?

CHRISTINE: Well, you know, my dead father said he would send me an angel, so I’ve been praying, and you know what? He did! The angel hides in my closet and sings to me!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
MEG: Hon? I think you may be wrong in the head.




Christine’s Dressing Room

RAOUL: Lotte!

CHRISTINE: Raoul!

RAOUL: Baby, you were so great. Dinner’s on me.

CHRISTINE: Oh, I couldn’t possibly go out this late. You see, I’ve been visited by the Angel of Music.

RAOUL: Sure you were, baby.

CHRISTINE: No, really, I was! In a completely literal and non-metaphorical way!

RAOUL: You just put on something nice and I’ll be right back.

CHRISTINE: But—well, there he goes. Well, what should I wear for dinner? I know—a dressing gown that shows off my new lace garters!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Outside, the Phantom locks Christine’s door while Madame Giry stands guard, essentially pimping out her almost-daughter. Ew. Back inside:]

ANGEL OF MUSIC: RAAAAA!

CHRISTINE: Oh shit.

ANGEL OF MUSIC: Babyface back there better STEP OFF if he knows what’s good for him.

CHRISTINE: I’m sorry I didn’t mean to fraternize with boys please don’t leave me!

RAOUL [outside, banging on door]: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THERE?

CHRISTINE: Come to me and hide no longer, Angel!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RAOUL: ARE YOU IN THERE WITH SOME VAMPIRE?

[But Raoul is too late, because the mirror has opened and Christine has been pulled through by… an “angel” in formal wear. And a mask. Well, half a mask.]

INCREDIBLY '80S MUSIC: DUHHHHHH! DUNDUNDUNDUN DUHHHHHHH!

CHRISTINE: Wow, I had no idea all these gold candelabra arms were right behind my room.

THE ANGEL OF MUSIC: Yeah, I got ’em cheap off some beast. You like?

[The Angel then takes her through the opera house basement on a horse, then by a ferry, then a stagecoach, then a steamboat, then a biplane with a layover in the fourth cellar, and finally to a gondola. They are serenaded by electric guitars and waterproof candles.]

CHRISTINE: Are we there yet?

THE PHANTOM: No.

CHRISTINE: Are we there yet?

THE PHANTOM: No.

CHRISTINE: Will we get there any faster if I flash all of my thigh and possibly more?
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE PHANTOM: …Yes.



Some Underground Lair

[He takes her to an underground lair looking suspiciously ripped off the set for “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Can’t Remember the Rest of This Title).” There, she is touched by an angel. Of music. A lot. At this point in the book, Christine realizes that the “angel” is just some mortal weirdo and freaks out. Movie!Christine doesn’t seem to make this distinction for at least another hour. We will start calling him “The Phantom” anyway.]

THE PHANTOM: Welcome to my lair! Let me show you around!

CHRISTINE: Wow!

THE PHANTOM: My Wall of Crazy!

CHRISTINE: Ooo!

THE PHANTOM: My terrifyingly detailed Opera House dioramas and voodoo dolls!

CHRISTINE: I like the colors!

THE PHANTOM: And here’s my cherished My First Wedding Christine doll! Look, it’s life-size!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHRISTINE: WAHHHH. [faints]

THE PHANTOM: Oh dear.




Christine’s Dressing Room

MEG: Christine? You in here? Hey… what’s with the mirror? It’s… a door… and it’s a two-way mirror…! Well, clearly I have got to track down this pervert even though I’m still in my tutu.

[The passage looks nothing like the one Christine saw. In fact, it’s kind of dark and slimy.]

A RAT: Hey, baby.

MEG: AHHHHHHHHHH!

MADAME GIRY: Marguerite! You weel leave ze passazh alone, please!

MEG: But Christine is missing! And there’s this total peeping Tom mirror door thing, and she’s probably been kidnapped by some stalky jerkwad!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
MADAME GIRY: And… your point ees…?




Wherever It Is That the Dancers Hang Out

BUQUET THE STAGEHAND: …And in the book, he’s got a hole where his nose ought to be, and his hands are cold and he’s like a cadaver all over!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SOME DANCER: But what about in the movie?

BUQUET: In the movie? He’s got a terrible… third degree… SUNBURN!

THE DANCERS: *scream and faint dead away*




Over in 1919

METHUSELAH RAOUL [clutching monkey box]: Mmmmf.

SOME MADAME GIRY: Awww! The Vicomte remembers me!




Some Underground Lair

CHRISTINE [waking up]: What the crap is this musical monkey box? And I’m in a… swan bed? Whatever. So. Let’s see. I remember… a lot of candles…

A LOT OF CANDLES: *flicker*

CHRISTINE: …a horse…

HORSE: Neigh, baby.

CHRISTINE: And a big lake, and a boat… and some guy.

THE PHANTOM: [writing music]: Mornin’.

[She goes over to the Phantom and touches his face and he seems to dig it.]

CHRISTINE: So, I’m gonna take your mask off.

THE PHANTOM: Okay.

CHRISTINE: Peeling it off as we speak.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones . All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE PHANTOM: Ten-four.

CHRISTINE: It’s totally coming off.

THE PHANTOM: Sure, have a party.

THE MASK: *comes off*

THE PHANTOM: OMG YOU TRAMPSLUT WHOREBITCH HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

CHRISTINE: But I—you said—

THE PHANTOM: YOU CAN NEVER EVER LEAVE MY BATCAVE NOW THAT YOU HAVE SEEN MY ACCURSED RADIATION BURNS!

CHRISTINE: I don’t—it’s just—it’s not even that much of your face!

THE PHANTOM: *fumes*

CHRISTINE: *cries*

THE PHANTOM: Whatever. I guess it’s time to take you back now.




The Lobby of the Opera

ANDRE: Carlotta won’t sing and Christine has gone missing and we have NO CAST.

FIRMIN: Hey, it’s all publicity, and publicity is worth its weight in naked gold women.

ANDRE: NO. CAST.

FIRMIN: Oh, by the way, why’d you send me this stupid note?

ANDRE: Send you a note? You sent ME a note!

RAOUL: Both of you sent ME a note!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved . cleolinda.livejournal.com
CARLOTTA: ME AND MAH DOGGEH TOO!

EVERYONE: Wait, what?

ANDRE: My note says “Fire Carlotta”!

FIRMIN: My note says “Pony up my cash”!

RAOUL: My note says “Keep your filthy mitts off Christine”!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CARLOTTA: Mah nota say, “You suck, and so do the doggeh!”

MADAME GIRY: Look, ze Phantome zends you ze notes. And ’ere ’e zends anothair: “Make Christine ze lead tonight, or Ah make ’oo zorry. And put zat cow Carlotta in ze zilent hrole.”

ANDRE: Oh, WHATEVER.

CARLOTTA: I do notta sing where I am notta wanted.

FIRMIN: Oh, come on, Carlotta! Everyone loves you! Look outside!

SCREAMING CROWD: WE LOVE YOU, CHRISTINE!

CARLOTTA: I hate-a you alla so verreh, verreh much.

MADAME GIRY: Eet ees all hright, because Christine ’as come ’ome, and zhe can zing eet.

CARLOTTA: WHATTA TIME IS THE SHOW?



Il Muto, Later That Night

[Il Muto seems to be about a giant pink poodle-lady who may or may not be having an affair with a page boy who may or may not be an actual boy, played by an actual girl (Christine). People watching the movie who have never seen a real opera make a note not to start going now. We know that the Phantom is going to wreak havoc on the show because we have seen him playing with his Opera Dollhouse of Crazy.]

CARLOTTA [shoving Christine]: Outta mah way, toad!

THE PHANTOM [backstage]: GRUMBLE GRUMBLE TOAD RASSAFRASSIN’ GRUMBLE…

CARLOTTA: I am so gladda to have my throata spritz!

[The Phantom has switched Carlotta’s throat spray with something ass-nasty. Let’s see if she notices.]

CARLOTTA: *spritz spritz* It taste-a little different tonighta, but—AHHHHOOOOAAAAACKKKKUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHA!

CAST OF IL MUTO: Flee the stage! Run for your lives!

FIRMIN: THE BALLET! PUT ON THE BALLET!

STAGEHAND: Bring out the dramatic sheep!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ANDRE: NO, YOU FOOL! THE COMEDY SHEEP! BRING OUT THE COMEDY SHEEP!

THE DANCERS: *prance*

THE COMEDY SHEEP: *baa*

[Meanwhile, the Phantom is up in the rafters playing cat and mouse with Buquet.]

THE PHANTOM: Quick as a cat! Quick as a cat!—I NOOSE YOU!

BUQUET: *falls dead onto the stage*

THE AUDIENCE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

THE PHANS: OMG WHERE IS THE FALLING CHANDELIER?!

FIRMIN: No panicking and no refunds! What, are you going to let a little murder get in the way of your high culture? SIT BACK DOWN!

ANDRE: Christine Daaé will play La Carlotta’s role after a brief intermission! SIT DOWN!




The Roof of the Opera House

RAOUL: Why did you drag me up here?

CHRISTINE: Because the Phantom will kill you if he sees you with me!

RAOUL: Oh, shpfff. There’s no Phantom.

[The Phantom who does not exist is watching them from behind a statue.]

CHRISTINE: Yuh-huh! We had a sleepover and everything! I’ve seen his face, Raoul!

RAOUL: OMG YOU SAW HIS FACE?

CHRISTINE: It was terrible!

RAOUL: How terrible?

CHRISTINE: Well… not really all that terrible, it wasn’t even his whole face—it wasn’t even really half his face…

RAOUL: IT SOUNDS SO TERRIBLE.

CHRISTINE: And I mean, really, it’s not like he’s a leper or anything… really, you could just have him sleep on the right side of the bed and he’d look just fine if you were lying on the other side… really fine…
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RAOUL: YOU MUST BE TRAUMATIZED. TELL ME YOU ARE TRAUMATIZED.

CHRISTINE: Well, there was that whole murder thing just now.

RAOUL: Atta girl! I will love you and marry you and hold you and protect you and spend my whole life keeping you AWAY FROM HIM.

CHRISTINE: Awww! That’s so sweet.

THE PHANTOM: GRRRRRRRRR.

CHRISTINE: What was that?

RAOUL: I don’t know and I don’t care.

[Raoul and Christine kiss.]

THE PHANTOM [sobbing]: I will have my revenge!

[A lot.]
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE PHANTOM [sniffling]: Okay, now you’re just rubbing it in.




Il Muto, Three Hours Later

ANDRE: …And I’m sure Mademoiselle Daaé will be here any minute now. Aaaaaany minute now…
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com



Over in 1919

UGLY MONKEY BOX: He’s still old. I’m still creepy.

METHUSELAH RAOUL: Mmmmf.

UGLY MONKEY CYMBALS: *ching ching*




Some Masquerade

[Firmin wears ram horns and Andre has a rooster hat. Carlotta goes as Boobzilla.]

CHRISTINE: Hmm. Everyone’s dressed in black and and white and gold. I think my giant pink dress will blend in just fine, particularly if neither of us wear masks, even though we’re on the downlow.

RAOUL: Why must we sneak around like this, Christine?
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda. livejournal.com
CHRISTINE: Our engagement must be secret, Raoul! I know—I’ll hide the big sparkly ring in my cleavage! No one EVER looks there!

[Suddenly, the lights drop and the music goes evil and the Phantom enters dressed as the Red Death, or the Spanish Inquisition, or something.]

THE PHANTOM: NO ONE EVER EXPECTS ME!

[The Phantom has brought a copy of his masterpiece, which he hands to the terrified managers. He draws his sword and starts taunting various party guests.]

THE PHANTOM: Let’s see… Managers: idiots… Carlotta: stupid cow… Who are you? I don’t even know your name.

SOME OPERA SINGER GUY: P-P-P-Piangi, sir.

THE PHANTOM [poking with sword]: Oh, that’s right. Well, you’re a tubby bitch.

RAOUL: OMG SWORD! I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING!

CHRISTINE: RAOUL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!

THE PHANTOM: Oh, and the lovely Christine, who would be a perfect lead for my opera except for the fact that she is a CHEATING WHORE who prefers the Missing Hanson Brother to me.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal. com
RAOUL [running back in]: I KEEL YOU!

[The Phantom grabs the engagement ring off the chain around Christine’s neck and disappears in a blast of fire that apparently comes from a giant opening in the floor that no one ever noticed before. Raoul leaps in after him. He finds himself in a hall of mirrors—]

RAOUL: Well, it’s more like a small room, really.

[—and the Phantom taunts him—]

THE PHANTOM: HA HA!

[—but Raoul just swings and misses over and over again.]

MADAME GIRY: Oh, for ze love of God, get out of ’ere.

RAOUL: Where did you come from?

MADAME GIRY: Zat door hright zere.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda. livejournal.com
SIGN ON THE DOOR: “Open in Case of Emergency or Plot Dead-End.”

MADAME GIRY: Come on, I weel tell you all.




Madame Giry’s Room

RAOUL: So, what’s the deal?

MADAME GIRY: Well, zere was zees traveling circus and stuff, and all ze little ballerinas went to zee eet, and Erik—

RAOUL: Who’s Erik?

MADAME GIRY: You know, ze Phantome.

RAOUL: Oh.

MADAME GIRY: Anyway, Erik was zere, and—

RAOUL: Hey, is that Swedish?

MADAME GIRY: How ze hell zhould I know? L’anyhoodle, zey ’ad ’im caged up as a fhreak—
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RAOUL: With a c or with a k?

MADAME GIRY: LOOK, DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ZE STORY OR NOT?

RAOUL: Sorry, sorry.

MADAME GIRY: ANYWAY. Erik was being ’eld ’ostazh in Ze Elephant Man and I boosted ’im out and ’id ’im in ze Opéra and ’e’s been zere in ze cellars ever zince. Fin, finito, ze end. You happy?




The Opera Stable

CHRISTINE: Do you think this dress is low-cut enough for a trip to my father’s grave?
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CARRIAGE DRIVER: DADDY ISSUES AHOY!

[When Christine isn’t looking, the Phantom sneaks up, clocks the driver, and takes his place.]

THE PHANTOM: And if I hold my hood up to my mask with one hand and drive with the other, she’ll never, ever notice!

CHRISTINE: Honestly? I probably won’t.

[Five minutes later, Raoul wakes up in a chair outside Christine’s room and notices that she’s gone.]

RAOUL: OMG! WHERE DID THEY GO?

CARRIAGE DRIVER [rubbing bonked head]: Damn if I know! She was wearing a boobtastic black dress, that’s all I know.

RAOUL: TO HER FATHER’S GRAVE!

[Raoul turns and gets a quick primp in, courtesy of some reflective surface nearby. Let’s say it’s a window.]

CARRIAGE DRIVER: You’re going to go dressed like that? In just an open shirt?
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RAOUL [fluffing hair, arranging open collar]: There’s no time to get a coat, man! [Leaping on white stallion bareback:] To the cemetery, Snowflake! Away!




Some Graveyard with Classy, Classy Naked Statues

CHRISTINE [singing sadly]:

You were once
my bosom companion
but now my tears
wet lots of tissues.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
You were once
my dad and best friend—
but now you’re dead
and I’ve got daddy issues.

VOICE FROM THE DAAÉ TOMB: Christine! Come to me!

CHRISTINE: Daddy? Is that you?

VOICE FROM THE DAAÉ TOMB: …Sure, if that’s your kink.

[Raoul rides up, leaps off his white charger, and tosses his hair urgently.]

RAOUL: Christine! That’s not your dad! That’s just the Phantom!

VOICE FROM THE DAAÉ TOMB: NO IT’S NOT! I’M TOTALLY HER DAD! DADDY LOVES YOU, CHRISTINE!

RAOUL: Oh, COME ON, Christine! You hung out with this guy! You fell in love with his stupid voice! You ought to be able to recognize it!

CHRISTINE: Well, it does sound kind of familiar…

RAOUL: And you saw his face, right?

CHRISTINE: Well… yeah… I mean… he bears kind of a passing resemblance to my father… I mean, aside from the giant Sunburn of Doom… He really looked like my dad when we were singing about the Music of the Night and he was running his hands all over me.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RAOUL: YOU ARE WRONG IN THE HEAD.

THE PHANTOM: I KEEL YOU, FABIO!

[The Phantom leaps out of his hiding place on the tomb and jumps on Raoul, and they start running around the cemetery, clashing swords and desecrating graves.]

CHRISTINE: Hey, you guys—?

RAOUL: *STABBITY!*

CHRISTINE: You guys—!

THE PHANTOM: *SLASHITY!*

CHRISTINE: It’s kind of cold out here—

FANFIC WRITERS: Did someone say SLASH?

CHRISTINE: My boobs are kinda getting frostbitten, could we—

SWORDS: *CLANG!*

CHRISTINE: —could we wrap this up sometime soon—

THE PHANTOM: I NICK YOU, FABIO!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda .livejournal.com
RAOUL: AUGH! THAT WAS MY PREENING ARM!

[Enraged, Raoul gets the upper hand and throws the Phantom to the ground, but can’t quite bring himself to kill him, because he is a puss.]

CHRISTINE: Come on, Raoul, let’s just go home.

RAOUL: But—but I could kill him right now! I mean, if I tried really hard!

CHRISTINE: But if you do that, the movie is over, and I’ve got at least three more costume changes to get through.

RAOUL: Really? Do they have cleavage?

CHRISTINE: Beyond your wildest dreams.

RAOUL: Well, saddle up and let’s go!

THE PHANTOM: THIS IS WAAAAAAAAR!




Raoul Hatches a Brilliant Plan

RAOUL: Okay, you guys? I’ve just had the best idea ever. Let’s actually stage the Phantom’s stupid opera and put Christine up there on stage and then he’ll come for sure, but—wait—wait for it—we’ll have umpteen hundred police dudes with, like, muskets and shit waiting for him.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal .com
FIRMIN: And if we had any idea how he sneaks in and out of the theater, or where any of his superninja trapdoors are, that might actually work.

RAOUL: I told you it was good.




Over in 1919

UGLY MONKEY BOX: What are you looking at me for? Look, I’ll call you when something happens.




Some Gothic Little Chapel

CHRISTINE: Raoul, please don’t make me do this. He’s probably just going to kidnap me again and besides, your plan really sucks.

RAOUL: IT DOES NOT!

CHRISTINE: And if he kidnaps me again, I’m going to be stuck down there forever… getting sexed up until the end of time, or until one of us dies from the massive amounts of constant, 24-7, day-and-night sexing.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights re served. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RAOUL: He’ll probably make you sing, too.

CHRISTINE: So… what time does the show start?



Don Juan Triumphant

[The Phantom’s masterpiece is being staged with Christine dressed as a sexy, sexy peasant. Umpteen hundred police dudes with, like, muskets and shit are waiting in the shadows for him. Onstage, there’s a bunch of dancing and crap and I don’t know why Carlotta is involved in this at all.]

PIANGI!DON JUAN: You will dress up as me, Passarino, and I will run off with her because she will think I am you and then she will be mine! [Exit Piangi.]

[Backstage:]

PHANTOM!DON JUAN: Oh, I love the smell of irony in the morning.

PIANGI: Evening.

PHANTOM!DON JUAN: Whatever. [Strangles him.]

[The Phantom cruises on stage in his cute little Zorro mask, confident that no one will notice the difference until it’s too late.]

SOME MIDGET: Hey, isn’t our Don Juan short, Italian, and tubby?

CHRISTINE: Oh shit.

THE PHANTOM: I sing of seduction and surrender in a completely non-metaphorical way!

CHRISTINE: I kind of dig this.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleo linda.livejournal.com
THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS CORPS DE BALLET: *shimmies*

THE PHANTOM: I sing of really unsubtle metaphors about flames and racing blood and opening buds!

CHRISTINE: Ooo, tell me more.

THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS DEATH DANCE TROUPE: *bunny hops*

THE PHANTOM: BE MINE FOREVER AND I WILL CONSUME YOU IN A COMPLETELY NON-FIGURATIVE WAY UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN!

[Christine deploys her collapsible bodice, leaving her shoulders completely bare.]

RAOUL: *cries*

THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS PEP SQUAD: *frugs*
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.live journal.com
FIRMIN: Please. Shoot them. I’m begging you.

CONSTABLE: Should we shoot the Phantom?

ANDRE: Nah, let him keep going.

CONSTABLE: But—he’s on the other side of the stage from Christine. Clear shot. We could totally take him down, man.

ANDRE: Nah, don’t worry about it. I mean, it’s not like he could escape or anything, or has ever done that before.

THE PHANTOM: Wear this ring and be mine FOREVER.

CHRISTINE: Wait, isn’t this Raoul’s ring?

THE PHANTOM: Well… yes.

CHRISTINE: So... who does that engage me to, exactly…?
© 2005 Cleo linda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE PHANTOM: Well… it engages you to… wait…

CHRISTINE: YOINK!

[Christine rips off the Phantom’s cute little Zorro mask, revealing a monster with half his face burned off and his eyelid all messed up and half his hair greying and fallen out… despite the fact most of this wasn’t covered by the little Zorro mask, and it looked fine two minutes ago.]

CHRISTINE: WHOA!

THE PHANTOM: WAHHHHHHH!

EVERYONE ELSE: OH MY GOD, HE’S SLIGHTLY UNATTRACTIVE ON ONE SIDE! TO ARMS!

[The Phantom cuts a couple of well-placed ropes, plunging him and Christine through a convenient trapdoor.]

THE PHANTOM: I built it all myself! And I bet you’d be impressed, if you weren’t a TOTAL SLUTBITCH WHORETRAMP.

[And then the giant chandelier falls.]

THE PHANS: GOD, FINALLY.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All r ights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
FIRMIN: Nobody panic!

[There is a stampede, the gas lights on the chandelier explode, and the Opera House bursts into flame.]

ANDRE: EVERYBODY PANIC!




The Opera Cellars

[The Phantom hustles Christine through the underground passages, bitching at her all the way:]

THE PHANTOM: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

CHRISTINE: Well, damn, I didn’t know all your hair was going to fall off, too!

[Meanwhile, an angry mob is looking for the Phantom. Madame Giry leads Raoul in a different direction.]

MADAME GIRY: I weel take you to Christine. Kip your ’ands at ze level of your aiz.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights r eserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RAOUL: My who at the level of my what?

MADAME GIRY: I must go—it would make too much zense for me to come with you ze hrest of ze way. If I were Perzhian, I would do it, but—no. Best of luck!

[Raoul goes deeper into the cellars—and promptly falls into a pit full of water. That has a mechanized grate closing over it. That keeps pushing him under the water. Before he drowns, he swims down to the bottom and find a rusty old wheel that he manages to turn just in time to lift the grate. This scene is kind of pointless.]



The Phantom’s Lair

CHRISTINE: Please don’t make me wear—hey, this is actually a really nice wedding dress.

THE PHANTOM: Too bad you’re going to have to look at my HIDEOUS FACE FOR ALL ETERNITY, WHORE.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHRISTINE: Seriously? It wouldn’t be that hard if you weren’t SUCH A WHINY BITCH ABOUT IT.

RAOUL: OH SNAP.

CHRISTINE: Raoul!

[The Phantom opens the gate and allows Raoul to wade into his lair. This should be everybody’s first clue that something is afoot.]

THE PHANTOM: Hey, could you stand here by the gate for a moment?

RAOUL: No problem.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserve d. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE PHANTOM: Awesome. Hold this rope for me while I tie you up with the other one.

RAOUL: Sure thing.

THE PHANTOM: HA HA! I HAVE YOU NOW, VICOMTE!

RAOUL: HEY!

THE PHANTOM: AND NOW I STRANGLE YOU WITH THE OTHER ROPE!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejourna l.com
RAOUL: Ohhhhhh, my hand at the level of my eyes—NGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

THE PHANTOM: Marry me or I kill him!

RAOUL: Don’t do it ChristiNNNNNGGGGGH!

CHRISTINE: Wait, so… if I really love Raoul, I’ll marry… you…?

RAOUL: No, Christine! I fought so hard to set you freeNNNNNGGHHHHH!

CHRISTINE: So… I choose you… the Phantom kills you… and he holds me captive anyway?
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All righ ts reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE PHANTOM: MOO HA HA.

CHRISTINE: Hmm. This is a really good excuse to mack on this guy the way I’ve wanted to for the whole movie anyway.

THE PHANTOM: What?

CHRISTINE: I KISS YOU!
© 2005 Cleolinda Jone s. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[They kiss for, like, five minutes. It is a good kiss.]

RAOUL: WAHHHHHNNNGGGHHHH!

THE PHANTOM: *bursts into tears*

CHRISTINE: Awww! He’s so sensitive!

THE PHANTOM: *sniffle*

CHRISTINE: Why don’t you ever cry when I kiss you, Raoul?

RAOUL: What?

THE MOB [in the distance]: WE COME FOR YOU, PHANTOM!

THE PHANTOM: Go, both of you! Forget me! Be happy!

CHRISTINE: But you still have plenty of time to let him go or kill him or whatever—

RAOUL: CHRISTINE!

CHRISTINE: And carry me off somewhere!

RAOUL: CHRISTINE!
© 200 5 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHRISTINE: They’ll never find you in here! You could ravish me and everything and no one would be able to stop you. You could totally get away with it!

RAOUL: Oh my GOD.

THE PHANTOM: No, no. The jig, she is up. Go with the man you love and be happy. Get out of here. Beat it. Scram.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.co m
RAOUL: Come on, Christine! Let’s go! I’ve got his gondola! Hurry!

CHRISTINE: Oh, fine.




The Phantom’s Lair, Five Minutes Later

[The Phantom is woefully playing with his monkey.]

UGLY MONKEY BOX: GOD, not like THAT, you pervs.

THE PHANTOM: Christine? You came back?

CHRISTINE: I just wanted to give you the ring. You know. As a token. Of my eternal… affection. Yeah. “Affection.” And my phone number. And my forwarding address.
© 2005 Cleolinda Jones. Al l rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE PHANTOM: Go, Christine! The mob is coming!

RAOUL [throwing Christine over his shoulder]: Oh, for the love of…!

CHRISTINE [shouting back to the Phantom]: Don’t be a stranger!

[And then the Phantom smashes a bunch of mirrors and sneaks out through a secret passage and the mob comes and Meg Giry finds only his mask left behind. I mean, just so you know.]



Over in 1919

[The Flying Nun wheels the Vicomte through a cemetery to a gravestone that reads, “CHRISTINE, COUNTESS DE CHAGNY, BELOVED WIFE AND MOTHER.” She has died very recently.]

METHUSELAH RAOUL: Mmmmf.

UGLY MONKEY BOX [woefully]: *ching ching*

[He sets the ugly monkey box down at the gravestone… and notices that someone else has been there first. And left a rose. With the engagement ring tied to it.]

METHUSELAH RAOUL: MMMMF!
© 20 05 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
UGLY MONKEY BOX: OH SNAP. *ching*


FIN.




(More Movies in Fifteen Minutes)



© 2005 Cleolinda Jones.

Creative Commons License

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

You may repost brief excerpts with author credit and a link back to this entry or the community as a whole. Please DO NOT repost this parody 1) without my name or a link back; 2) with any changes to the wording or language*; or 3) in its entirety on your journal, on your website, on a message board, on fanfiction.net, or on ANY OTHER PAGE ON THE INTERNET without my written permission. Icons are always welcome, so have fun.






Site Meter

Tags: ,
Current Mood: accomplished accomplished
Current Music: DUHHHHHH! DUNDUNDUNDUN DUHHHHHHH!

1287 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
Page 1 of 63
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23] [24] [25] [26] [27] [28] [29] [30] [31] [32] [33] [34] [35] [36] [37] [38] [39] [40] [41] [42] [43] [44] [45] [46] [47] [48] [49] [50] [51] [52] [53] [54] [55] [56] [57] [58] [59] [60] [61] [62] [63]
mochajoy13 From: mochajoy13 Date: January 9th, 2005 08:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
AAAAAAHHHH. Utter hilarity!!!

Yes, I'm supposed to be doing my homework right now. But this is MUCH more fun!
mochajoy13 From: mochajoy13 Date: January 9th, 2005 08:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Duuuude. First comment!
inannu From: inannu Date: January 9th, 2005 08:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
HAHAHAHAHAHAA I loved it!

I adore your movies in fifteen minutes!
Reading one always brightens up my day!
inannu From: inannu Date: January 9th, 2005 08:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
And btw, favorite part:

THE PHANTOM: *SLASHITY!*
CHRISTINE: It’s kind of cold out here—
FANFIC WRITERS: Did someone say SLASH?

*dies*

Not to forget:

CHRISTINE: They’ll never find you in here! You could ravish me and everything and no one would be able to stop you. You could totally get away with it!

haha!
From: vladimirsever Date: January 9th, 2005 08:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Right. And I *have* read it before you post it, and *still* amn't able to be first. WOE.

Oh well, who cares. It's formatted and hyperlinked and all now! The Sissi Link works! And there's added hilarity! WHEEEE!!!!!
mochajoy13 From: mochajoy13 Date: January 9th, 2005 08:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm dreadfully sorry for taking away your fun. Except for the part where, you know, I'm not. Because I'm a m15m fangirl. But look on the bright side—I know thousands of people who would die to take your place. ;)
dom_flesh From: dom_flesh Date: January 9th, 2005 08:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
I still have yet to see it, but that was just hilarious! I saw it on Broadway, and it was amazing, but this.. awesome! Kudos to you.
polgarawolf From: polgarawolf Date: February 6th, 2005 04:38 am (UTC) (Link)
(laughing so hard her face is starting to turn purple)

THIS IS SO GREAT!!!!!!!! Haven't got to see the movie yet either but it's close enough to the Broadway version that I totally love the spoof!
ladybella From: ladybella Date: January 9th, 2005 08:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
*snigger* Honestly, I LOVED the movie when I went and saw it. GERARD IS MY SEX0RS OMG. *keeps him in her closet*

Thanks for the laugh. :D
From: ex_speckle118 Date: January 18th, 2005 08:20 am (UTC) (Link)
He is one sexy bitch, isn't he?? Just too bad the hair came off with the mask and half his head was distorted and whatnot, but I agree with what was written. He can sleep on the right side of the bed, and he'd still be sexy hot. ^_^
From: pheebskitten Date: January 9th, 2005 08:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
Great stuff again! HOORYAY!

Good luck with the book deadline. Can't wait!
a_leprechaun From: a_leprechaun Date: January 9th, 2005 08:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
Mwehehehe.

I haven't seen the movie and I still found this hilarious. (though I do pretty much know the story)

Dread Pirate Roberts Dance Troupe. lol.
fiveforsilver From: fiveforsilver Date: January 9th, 2005 08:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
Dread Pirate Roberts Dance Troupe

Anybody know where I can get a picture of this?
bludger From: bludger Date: January 9th, 2005 08:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
LMAO. I loved it. XD

G'luck with your deadline! Cannot wait.
misspearl From: misspearl Date: January 9th, 2005 08:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
OOH I want to be in the early commenters!

HAHAHA. That was HILARIOUS. I wish I was as witty as you about things like this.

Good luck with the book. I am looking forward to it SO MUCH.

celli From: celli Date: January 9th, 2005 08:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
*laughing hysterically*

My favorite line is the bit about the biplane with the layover in the fourth cellar. *g*
squirrelgirl22 From: squirrelgirl22 Date: January 11th, 2005 02:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Me too! I thought that was a really funny line, cleolinda. When I was a watching the movie I thinking to myself "What the hell is a horse doing down in the dungeons?!" (I read later about how a horse is used in the original book, and this was a nod to that.)
snidgety From: snidgety Date: January 9th, 2005 08:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
AHAHA. YES! You helped me procrastinate from my research paper!

I love it. :D
lizzyrose89 From: lizzyrose89 Date: January 9th, 2005 08:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
I have to see that movie now. I've got this thing where I won't read an m15m unless I've seen the actual filum. The wait is gonna kill me!
erinpuff From: erinpuff Date: January 9th, 2005 08:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
HAHAHAHAHA OMG AWESOME.

That made my LIFE. :-D!
silchi From: silchi Date: January 19th, 2005 09:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
your icon nearly made me pee my pants!
fmith From: fmith Date: January 9th, 2005 08:36 pm (UTC) (Link)

I haven't seen it, but I totally want to now. Nice work.
plazmah From: plazmah Date: January 9th, 2005 11:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
What comic is your icon from?? I used to read it months ago.
brachiosaurid From: brachiosaurid Date: January 9th, 2005 08:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
HAHAHA AWESOME.

I like all the comments about the book. So true. He was so... horrid-looking in the book. In the movie? Notsomuch. And I haven't even SEEN the movie yet. lol. So awesome. Nice job.
1287 comments or Leave a comment
Page 1 of 63
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23] [24] [25] [26] [27] [28] [29] [30] [31] [32] [33] [34] [35] [36] [37] [38] [39] [40] [41] [42] [43] [44] [45] [46] [47] [48] [49] [50] [51] [52] [53] [54] [55] [56] [57] [58] [59] [60] [61] [62] [63]