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The Golden Compass in Fifteen Minutes - Movies in Fifteen Minutes
This is, after all, what happens when you cross the streams.
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The Golden Compass in Fifteen Minutes
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The Golden Compass waters down Philip Pullman's anti-religious intent, please press 2.

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Updated entry, 12/28/07: I've taken down the download links and posted the parody in full the way I usually do. MegaUpload's reneged on their reward system offer, so there's nothing to gain by making it harder for people to read. I had to reformat it by hand, so here's hoping all the italics and font sizes are correct.



Serafina Explains It All

SERAFINA PEKKALA: There are many worlds—worlds like yours, where people’s souls are incredibly boring and just stay inside their bodies, and worlds like mine, where souls take the shape of animal(s), and a really evil government kinda-church controls everything, and all the people look like movie stars. But all the worlds are connected by Dust, which is really sin, or free will, or knowledge, or something. What can I say—I’m a witch, not a theologian.

NEW LINE EXECUTIVES: So… you want us to spend a million billion dollars making something that could piss all of Christendom off. And Christendom spends a lot on entertainment, you know.

SERAFINA: I have three words for you: Shitloads. Of. Merchandise.

NEW LINE EXECUTIVES: BEST MOVIE EVER!


Alley Behind the Department of Backstory

[Twelve-year-old orphan Lyra Belacqua frolics with some narratively important (but lower-class) children and their personality-appropriate daemons in a way that reveals that she is brave and loyal and pure of heart and totally bratty.]

THE CATHOLIC LEAGUE: Demons?

[D-A-E-M-O-N-S. Seriously, settle down over there.]

ROGER: There are Gobblers, and I’m scared of them!

ROGER’S PUPPY: *whimper*

BILLY: I’m Gyptian, and they take lots of Gyptian kids!

LYRA: My uncle’s a lordly rich explorer and he’s going to come and KICK ALL THEIR ASSES, and then we’re going to go north and see ice bears, because ICE BEARS ARE AWESOME.

BILLY’S RAT: True dat.

ROGER: If I was gobblered, would you come and save me?

LYRA: Course I would! I would save the hell out of you!

BILLY: What about me?

LYRA: MUDFIGHT!


Some Wardrobe, Jordan College

SOME FAUN: Hey, this is my wardrobe!

LYRA: GTFO! I wanna watch Uncle Asriel’s super-sekrit presentation!

CAT!PANTALAIMON: Lyraaaaa, we’re gonna get caaaaaught and they’re gonna smack you and it’s gonna hurt meeeeee because that’s how this daemon thing worrrrrks!

LYRA: Stop being a pussy, Pan! Be a ferret or something. SHHH, SOMEONE’S COMING.

[The Master of Jordan College is arguing with Fra Pavel, an officious priestly type who waits until the Master has left to dump an envelope of powder into a decanter of wine. After Fra Pavel sneaks out, Lord Asriel comes in with his leopard daemon Stelmaria, sits down, and immediately reaches for the wine. Of course.]

LYRA [flying-squirrel wineglass beatdown]: STOP NO DON’T!

LORD ASRIEL: OMGWTFLYRA!

LYRA: THE SMUG OILY PRIEST PUT POISON IN IT!

LORD ASRIEL: Are you slandering the clergy, Lyra? Because then I definitely believe you. Now get back in the closet!

[All the scholars troop in, politely step over Asriel’s broken wineglass that he didn’t even bother to have someone else clean up, and wait for him to begin his magic lantern show.]

LORD ASRIEL: So! These are the Northern Lights, and this is Dust moving through a man’s daemon to the man himself, and in it you can see a city in a world beyond, one of many worlds that I would like to explore WHERE THERE IS NO MAGISTERIUM.

FRA PAVEL: THAT IS HERESY.

LORD ASRIEL: THAT IS THE TRUTH.. Also, the truth is expensive. I can has funding? We’ll get some ice bears, some Samoyeds, it’ll be good times.

FRA PAVEL: Anyone who funds this heretic would be considered a rebel and an enemy of the state and a really bad person!

THE MASTER: SOLD!


Walking with Asriel and Stelmaria

LYRA: I wanna go north and see the ice bears!

LORD ASRIEL: NO.

LYRA: I JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE!

LORD ASRIEL: You’re a mendacious, incorrigible hoyden! Go wash your ears or study your grammar or something!

LYRA: YOU’RE WELCOME, UNGRATEFUL MCASSHAT!

LORD ASRIEL: Heh. Well, you’re definitely your parents’ daughter.

LYRA: My parents?

LORD ASRIEL: I HAVE TO GO NORTH NOW.


Dinner at the High Table

[To the surprise of everyone and the unease of many, Mrs. Coulter, “a friend of the college,” sashays in to dinner. Lyra is immediately starstruck. While Mrs. Coulter’s golden monkey pets Ferret!Pan and hugs him and squeezes him and calls him George under the table, Mrs. Coulter draws Lyra in deeper under her spell by furthering the plot:]

MRS. COULTER: Well, Lyra, what subjects are you interested in? Maths? Science?

LYRA: Ice bears and Tartars and Uncle Asriel!

MRS. COULTER: Oh my! Well, let’s see. The king of the ice bears really, really wants his own daemon—isn’t that silly? Tartars are pretty fearsome, but the food’s not so good. Oh, and I even met Lord Asriel once! We talked about tundra politics for hours—

THE MASTER: So that’s what the kids call it these days.

MRS. COULTER [glaring]: I THINK LYRA SHOULD COME NORTH WITH ME.

LYRA: YAYS!

THE MASTER: *facepalm*


Lyra Gets a Very Special Gift

THE MASTER: It’s called an alethiometer, or a GOLDEN COMPASS. Well, it’s not so much a compass, and it’s actually an 18-karat alloy, but still. I feel that you were narratively meant to have it. But you must NEVER, EVER let Mrs. Coulter know. And since you’re such a docile, obedient girl, I feel confident that I can just tell you that and you’ll do what I say without question.

LYRA: What does it do?

THE MASTER: It tells the truth.

LYRA: How do—

THE MASTER: Bon voyage!


Estimated Time of Departure: Now

LYRA: But I didn’t get to say goodbye to Roger!

MRS. COULTER: Here, Lyra, you can write him a letter goodbye and when he comes back from being a dirty servant, he’ll get it then!

LYRA: But Roger can’t read!

MRS. COULTER: INTO THE ZEPPELIN!


The Magisterium

DEREK JACOBI: Muahahaha. Muahahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

CHRISTOPHER LEE: *Christopher Lees*


Chez Coulter

[For several weeks, Mrs. Coulter and Lyra braid each other’s hair, go to parties and fancy restaurants, and giggle in their pajamas about boys. The golden monkey pimp-slaps Pan every now and then.]

CAT!PAN: Lyraaaaa, I don’t like it heeeeeere. All you two do is shop all day and the monkey freaks me ouuuuut. She’s never going to take you north!

LYRA: She will too! She’s beautiful and elegant and clever and beautiful and YOU’RE JUS JELLUS THAT SHE LIKES ME.

PAN: Lyra, I’m you. We’re the same person! And I’m telling you, she’s creepy.

LYRA: Prove it!

[Ferret!Pan digs up a paper out of Mrs. Coulter’s trash.]

LYRA: “I, Marisa Coulter, hereby order the kidnappings of many poor children including but not limited to Roger Parslow and Billy Costa for the purpose of doing bad and creepy things to them.”

PAN: I TOLD YOU.

THE GOLDEN MONKEY: !!!?%!!#!

LYRA: RUN!


The Streets of London

[Lyra escapes through the window and runs through the dark streets to… somewhere. Mrs. Coulter has already put out an all-points bulletin, however, so Magisterium goons are hot on Lyra’s heels. She slips into an alley, where they throw a net over her, but then two strapping young elves Gyptians appear out of nowhere and shoot the goons full of arrows.]

LYRA: Ma Costa! Billy’s ma! The ma of that character from the beginning of the movie! The—

MA COSTA: YES, LYRA. We’ve been following you ever since you were born, at Lord Asriel’s request, but we’ve really been keeping an eye on your every breath and movement since that Coulter woman made off with you. And now, you can come with us to see Lord Faa, and we’ll be able to watch EVERYTHING you do.

LYRA [to Pan]: This is less creepy? Really?


All Aboard!

ALL THE GYPTIANS: *stare*

LYRA: YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS?

ALL THE GYPTIANS: *look away, shuffle*

[The Gyptians have hired a ship to take them north, because woe, Billy Costa has been gobblered. And a lot of other Gyptian children, of course, but Billy’s the only one we care about. Lord Faa is a tall, imposing man covered with braids and furs and tribal tattoos and things, but most importantly, he has a hammer, which is how we know he means business.]

LORD FAA: And so, my brethren, we will go north to find our children and bring them back home, no matter what Tartars or Samoyeds or Gobblers we might face. And if they’ve hurt our children, lo, unto them and their children and their children’s children and the last generation until the end of time, WE WILL FUCK THEIR SHIT UP.

ALL THE OTHER GYPTIANS: THE HAMMER HAS SPOKEN!

LORD FAA: *BANG*


Svalbard, Which Is Svalbardish for “Real Cold”

[A man and his snow leopard are trekking through the icy wastes of Svalbard. He is capable; he is determined; he is fearless. He is… Asriel. Lord Asriel.]

LORD ASRIEL: Well, Stelmaria, we’ve done a pretty good job of staying not dead so far. I’m surprised the Magisterium hasn’t sent a pack of vicious Samoyeds to capture us yet.

A PACK OF VICIOUS SAMOYEDS: RAAA!

STELMARIA: You did that! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!

LORD ASRIEL: Run, us!

STELMARIA: Don’t you have something we can use to escape? A jet pack? Jet skis? A cello case? Anything?

LORD ASRIEL: *falls down*


The Gyptians’ Ship

[Imperious Lord Faa and gentle Farder Coram are having a private chat with Lyra and Pan below decks.]

LORD FAA: So, Lyra. We know every breath you take, every move you make—

FARDER CORAM: Oh, just sing her a chorus, why don’t you?

LORD FAA: —but there is one thing we don’t know. Well, actually we do know, or I wouldn’t be asking. Is there anything you haven’t told us? Anything you might… have? Say… in a small brown shoulder bag?

MOUSE!PAN: LYRA LYRA DON’T SHOW IT TO THEM!

LYRA: Gah! Take the shape of something smarter next time!

[Lyra takes out THE GOLDEN COMPASS. The men are awed.]

LYRA: So… how do you use it?

FARDER CORAM: Well, it takes many years of study and practice for scholars to even begin to guess at the vaguest implications of what the alethiometer might be saying. For example, if we ask it what happened to the missing children—

LYRA: I see! The Dust inside the alethiometer forms pictures that say that the kids were kidnapped by Magisterium officials and taken to a secret compound in Svalbard, where they are guarded by Tartars!

FARDER CORAM: Yes… yes, it totally does.


Magisterium Headquarters

MRS. COULTER: I MUST FIND THE CHILD.

FRA PAVEL: Yes, she must be returned to the Magisterium! She may be the child of the witches’ prophecy, which I will not actually reveal because that would be telling.

MRS. COULTER: Right… that’s totally what I meant.

THE GOLDEN MONKEY: *evils*

[Mrs. Coulter sends two clockwork insects off to find Lyra. The spyflies will never stop, never, until they have found Lyra and brought her back, and she will never, ever be safe from them.]


The Gyptian Ship

LYRA: *thunk!*

FARDER CORAM: *yoink!*

LYRA: Huh. That was pretty easy.


Later That Night

[Lyra and Pan are musing over the alethiometer when a beautiful witch with bare feet and a leafy bow suddenly appears out of nowhere. Also, she is mostly dressed in silk scarves.]

SERAFINA: I am Serafina Pekkala, Clan Queen of the Witches of Lake Enara, Narrator of the Movie We Are Currently In. Are you the child with the symbol-reader?

LYRA: *nods*

FERRET!PAN: *gapes*

SERAFINA: Prove to me that you can read it. Tell me which one of the men on this ship was my lovah.

LYRA [consulting]: Farder Coram?!

SERAFINA: Make passes at boys who wear glasses, Lyra. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Oh, and the children have been taken to a secret compound in Svalbard, where they are guarded by Tartars. But I expect you knew that. [*poof*]

LYRA: *picks Pan’s jaw up off the floor*


Trollesund, Svalbard

SOME COWBOY: That’s a right purty clockwork you got there.

LYRA [snapping alethiometer shut]: I don’t talk to strangers. Do you have candy? I don’t take candy either.

SOME JACKRABBIT: Oh, Lord. Stop bein’ all hat and no cattle, Lee, and give the little lady a proper how-do.

[Lee Scoresby is the awesome cowboy grandpa you never even knew you always wanted. His daemon Hester is 100% win. The audience Lyra is enchanted.]

SCORESBY: Now, Miss Lyra (not that you asked me) but if I were a little girl up in the tundra (not that I am), I’d hire me a handsome old Texan aeronaut. Oh, and an armored bear.

LYRA: AN ARMORED BEAR? LIKE AN ICE BEAR WITH ARMOR? I LOVE ARMORED BEARS!


Downtown Trollesund

[So Farder Coram takes Lyra on a field trip downtown to find the infamous Iorek Byrnison, Ice Bear for Hire. Iorek works with scrap metal out behind a seedy bar in exchange for buckets of whiskey.]

LYRA: This? I came all the way to the ass-end of the world for this? A boozy brokedown polar bear?

IOREK: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I LIVE HERE IN MISERABLE SERVITUDE BECAUSE I WAS EXILED FROM BEAR-KIND, AND THEN THE TOWNSPEOPLE HERE TRICKED ME OUT OF MY ARMOR, MY MEANING, MY SOUL. THE DISAPPROVAL OF A HUMAN CUB MEANS LITTLE IN THE FACE OF MY ENORMOUS URSINE IGNOMINY.

LYRA: Lamesauce.

IOREK: LEAVE ME TO MY BUCKET AND MY SHAME!

[The alethiometer reveals to Lyra that Iorek’s armor is hidden in the local branch of the Magisterial Department of Oppressing People, which has apparently decided to diversify and oppress bears as well. Iorek breaks down the door, reclaims his armor, and bursts back outside through a solid wall, kind of like a furry Hulk, or maybe the Kool-Aid Man.]

MAGISTERIUM GOONS: OMGWTFPANSERBJØRNE!

IOREK: OH YEAH!

LYRA: Iorek Byrnison! This senseless violence is beneath your bearly dignity!

IOREK: [ponders]: … HM. YES, IT IS SO.

SCORESBY: Howdy, Iorek.

IOREK: S’UP.

SCORESBY: So, you ridin’ shotgun on this boondoggle?

IOREK: INDEED. MY DEBT TO THE CHILD FOR HER HELP IS SUCH THAT I WOULD SERVE HER ON THIS CAMPAIGN TO THE DEATH. NO DEED WOULD BE TOO GREAT OR TOO SMALL,WERE IT IN HER SERVICE.

LYRA [holding out tin]: Farder Coram caught a spyfly in here, but all he had was wax to seal it with. Could you solder it shut for me?

IOREK: NOW THAT WOULD JUST BE SILLY.



Gyptian Camp, Dawn

[Lyra, a twelve-year-old girl, leaves the safety of camp to wander the tundra on her own.]

IOREK: THERE IS A HOUSE DOWN IN THE VALLEY THEY SAY IS HAUNTED BY THE SPIRIT OF A CHILD, BUT IT IS NOT SAFE TO GO THERE AND I PROBABLY SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

LYRA: But I’d be safe if I rode you down there!

IOREK: YOU… WANT TO… RIDE ME?

LYRA: Come on, we gotta have that one scene where the hero rides something!


That One Scene Where the Hero Always Rides Something

LYRA: Whee!

IOREK: WOOOOO.


Some Abandoned Homestead Down in the Valley

IOREK: I WILL GO IN FIRST, BECAUSE YOU ARE THE HERO AND MUST BE PROTECTED.

LYRA: No, I’ll go in first, because I’m the hero and I do what I want!

IOREK: AH, THAT IS ENTIRELY LOGICAL.

[So Lyra creeps into the empty barn with Cat!Pan wrapped around her head like a terrified toque. They find]

LYRA: Billy Costa!

[huddled in a corner clinging to a piece of fur, eyes glazed over, mumbling forlornly for his daemon Ratter, who is not there. Anywhere. At all.]

LYRA: *gasps*

PAN: *vomits, falls over*

IOREK: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. WHAT IS SO AWFUL ABOUT A BOY SITTING ALONE IN A BARN?

LYRA: Well… see, Iorek… it’s like… it’s like someone cut off his head, or took off his skin, or—took away his armor! But like they melted it down so he can’t ever have it again.

IOREK: *FAINTS*


Gyptian Camp, Still Dawn

MA COSTA [wailing]: Everything’s all right, Billy! You’re just mostly dead from having your daemon cut away, everything will be fine!

LYRA AND ALL THE OTHER GYPTIANS: *look away, shuffle*

IOREK: *WEEPS*

[Ironically, it’s only after Lyra gets back to safety that the Samoyeds attack.]

LORD FAA: Everyone! PROTECT LYRA!

NO ONE: *protects Lyra*

[Lyra is captured and stuffed in a sack and taken by sled to… THE ICE BEARS?]

DARK MATERIALS FANS: WHAT? WHAT?

POTTER FANS: What are you, new?

TOLKIEN FANS: *eyeroll*


Scoresby’s Airship, En Route to Rescue

SCORESBY: We kinda suck, don’t we?

IOREK: *HANGS HEAD*


The Only Movie You Will See This Year with Underage Interspecies Seduction

LYRA: Are you Iofur Raknison, king of the ice bears?

NOT IOFUR: NO, I AM RAGNAR STURLUSSON, KING OF THE ICE BEARS.

LYRA: Who’s the one who wants a daemon?

RAGNAR: *RAISES PAW*

LYRA: Right, you then. I am Iorek Byrnison’s daemon! But if you will defeat Iorek Byrnison in fair, single combat and not have him torn apart by fifteen bears on sight, I can be your daemon instead, and my mind will flow into yours, and you will flow into mine, and we will be one.

RAGNAR: *DIRTY LAUGH OF TRIUMPH*

SOME BEAR: Am I the only one creeped out here?

SOME OTHER BEAR: No, this is totally giving me the wig.


SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAAAAY!

LYRA: Oh, Iorek, what have I done? I just went and managed to get you a fair fight!

IOREK: IN TIME, I MAY FORGIVE YOU.

[Ragnar and Iorek charge and clash and tear at each other while Lyra and Pan watch in anxious horror. Five minutes into the battle, Iorek starts limping around, holding up a gimpy paw and whimpering.]

RAGNAR: IS THAT ALL? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? FIVE MINUTES AND YOU’RE DONE? IS THAT A—

[Iorek rips off Ragnar’s jaw and spins his head like a top.]

IOREK: YES, THAT IS ALL, BITCH.

PANSERBJØRNE: *GOLF CLAP*

LYRA [hug-squee]: Oh, Iorek!

IOREK: AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU, CHILD—OR AT LEAST THE TALKY PARTS. AND FOR YOUR BRAVE DECEPTION, I NAME YOU LYRA SILVERTONGUE.

LYRA: And I name you Iorek Jawbreaker, because HOLY FUCK YOU TORE HIS FACE IN HALF. I never dreamed it would be so awesome!

IOREK: MY FELLOW BEARS, I MUST FULFILL MY PROMISE TO THE CHILD. PLEASE, ENJOY THE CARCASS OF RAGNAR STURLUSSON WHILE I AM GONE.

PANSERBJØRNE: *CHEER, RIP, SLURP, GNAW*

IOREK: AND NOW, LYRA SILVERTONGUE, I WILL TAKE YOU TO BOLVANGAR.

LYRA: But… Mr. Scoresby’s airship is right there!

IOREK: CLIMB ON! IT IS NO TROUBLE AT ALL!

LYRA: But—what if there’s a ravine with a tiny ice bridge that you’re too heavy to cross?

IOREK: I SAID CLIMB ON.


That One Scene Where a Flimsy Bridge Always Collapses

IOREK: LYRA! WAIT THERE FOR ME ON THE OTHER SIDE! LYRA! DO AS I SAY! LYRA!!

PAN: *facepaw*


Bolvangar, The Center for Creepy Experimentation

SOME GUARD: So… you just showed up here by yourself.

LYRA: Uh-huh.

SOME GUARD: Voluntarily?

LYRA: Yup.

SOME GUARD: No one… dragged you by your hair at saber-point or anything?

LYRA: Nope.

SOME GUARD: Huh… never seen that before. Well… welcome to Bolvangar!


Café Fluorescent

ROGER: LYRA!!!!

LYRA: Shhhhh!

ROGER: LYRA!!!!

LYRA: I’m going to get you out of here, Roger!

ROGER: We have to hurry! They already took Billy away! Do you think he’s okay?

LYRA: Uh… yeah. I’m sure he’s… just fine.

PAN: *sob*


Under the Table of Eavesdropping

[Roger helps Lyra sneak into a quiet, empty room so she can consult the alethiometer and find out what to do next. Of course, she has chosen the one room that is about to be not quiet and not empty.]

MRS. COULTER: So we’ve captured Lord Asriel and we’re going to condemn him to death, so that’s working out pretty well. How’s the creepy experimentation going?

SOME SCIENTIST: Uh… not so good. The ones that didn’t go zombie died pretty immediately.

MRS. COULTER: Well, keep working on it! Those souls aren’t going to sever themselves! Oh, sorry, did I kick your your foot?

SOME SCIENTIST: Nah, that was just a hidden protagonist. Will you stay and see the next intercision, which was totally your reason for trekking up to North Budafuck in the first place?

MRS. COULTER [exiting]: No, I’d rather go stroke my monkey in private.

SOME SCIENTIST: Freak.

ZOMBIE NURSE: Wait, did you say something about a HIDDEN PROTAGONIST?!

[They discover Lyra under the table and subdue her by touching her ferret.]

SOME SCIENTIST: TO THE CREEPY EXPERIMENTATION ROOM!


The Intercision Chamber

[Lyra and Pan are thrown into separated sides of a big cage where a blade slowly descends to sever them forever while they weep and keen for each other.]

SOME SCIENTIST: You know, the way these children and their daemons suffer during intercision… it’s enough to almost make you think that it might be bad.

ZOMBIE NURSE: Well, but it is for the greater good.

ALL THE OTHER SCIENTISTS: THE GREATER GOOOOOOD.

[Apparently Mrs. Coulter got in her daily quota of monkey-stroking and changed her mind about the intercision, because she shows up at precisely the last possible moment:]

MRS. COULTER: *SLO-MO-OH-NOES*


Mrs. Coulter’s Private Room

MRS. COULTER: Oh, Lyra, I thought I’d lost you!

LYRA: WHY ARE YOU SO EVIL?!

MRS. COULTER: We have to perform intercision! It’s good and moral and necessary!

LYRA: Well if it’s so great, why didn’t you let them do it to me?

MRS. COULTER: Well, Lyra, you see, some people just aren’t smart enough or classy enough or fashionable enough to have free will, so it must be taken away. But not from me, because I’m stylish. And not from you, because…

LYRA: What?

MRS. COULTER: Lyra… I AM YOUR MOTHER.

LYRA: NOOOOO!

MRS. COULTER: SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS. YOU WILL KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.

LYRA: Then who’s my father?

MRS. COULTER: Lyra. Who are the only blond people in this movie?

LYRA: omg lord daddy.

MRS. COULTER: That’s right. He’s your father and I’m your mother so hand over the alethiometer, or so help me I’ll turn this movie around and we’ll all go home.

LYRA [craftily]: Sure thing! Here, I sealed it in this tin. You know. For safekeeping.


Outside the Flaming Ruins of Bolvangar

SOME SCIENTIST: What the hell just happened?!

SOME OTHER SCIENTIST: I don’t know! I found Coulter and the monkey knocked out in her room and then the intercision machine went thermonuclear and all the children ran outside!

SOME SCIENTIST: Where’s that little girl? You know, the shrieky one with the ferret?

SOME OTHER SCIENTIST: You don’t think—

BOLVANGAR: *BOOM!*

SOME SCIENTIST: TARTARS! TO ARMS!

[All the children are lined up behind Lyra to face a battalion of Tartar mercenaries. Lyra strides forward to meet them, because she is the baddest-assed twelve-year-old ever.]

HEAD TARTAR [in Tartar]: GO BACK INSIDE THE BURNING BUILDING AND NO ONE GETS HURT!

ROGER: What’d that guy just say?

SOME KID. LET’S CALL HIM “JIMMY”: I think he said YO MAMA.

LYRA: *PTUUW!*

SOME TARTAR: DUDE, THAT LITTLE GIRL JUST CALLED YOU OUT.

HEAD TARTAR: AW, HELL NO.

[Apparently Serafina showed Iorek how to materialize out of nothing as well, because just as the Tartars are about to charge he’s just suddenly THERE and then Lee Scoresby shows up with his rifle and his airship-balloonative-thing and the witches swarm in with leafy bow-fu and then the Gyptians show up righteously pissed off to save their kids and nothing is left of the Tartars and their wolf-daemons except a lot of gold glitter Dust and stirring music. The battle lasts a really long time, which means conversely that there’s not much to say about it, except that Lyra and Serafina and Ma Costa and the Hammer all kick personal ass and everyone hugs afterwards.]


Scoresby’s Airship

[Lyra consults the alethiometer, which shows Lord Asriel greeting her at Svalbard, and Lyra giving him… something… very useful.]

LYRA: Oh, Roger! I’m bringing my father something he really needs, and you and me, Roger, we’ll do it together, and we’ll always be together through both the sequels and we’ll always be friends and I’ll get you home safe!

[And then Roger and Lyra curl up against Iorek Byrnison with their cuddly plush daemons while Scoresby and Serafina watch over them like loving adoptive parents.]

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T READ THE BOOKS: Oh. Well. Isn’t that all just ponies and rainbows and lollipops.

EVERYONE WHO HAS READ THE BOOKS: *bawl*




EVERYONE WHO HAS SEEN THE BOX OFFICE RETURNS: *sob*


Fin.


© 2007 Cleolinda Jones.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License. Brief quotations and journal icons are considered fair use; you are welcome to make or use them.





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dangerpronered From: dangerpronered Date: December 12th, 2007 01:35 am (UTC) (Link)
2! 2!
dangerpronered From: dangerpronered Date: December 12th, 2007 01:36 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, maybe more of a 15 (all of them combined, of course!)
decor_noctis From: decor_noctis Date: December 12th, 2007 01:35 am (UTC) (Link)
I think it's absolutely fantastic that you're doing this to help Erin out. Also, it's just gone half one in the morning here, and yeah, I did stay up this late just to get this parody. Now to read it!

(PS I'd totally press 5)

Edited at 2007-12-12 01:36 am (UTC)
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: December 12th, 2007 01:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Awww, bless.

(My father's side of the family was Methodist and my mother's was Southern Baptist. I consider myself "spiritual," so: yes. And I love the Dark Materials books, too.)
kashmirdreamer From: kashmirdreamer Date: December 12th, 2007 01:36 am (UTC) (Link)
hey i'm trying to do the erin thing (it's my homepage) but i'm getting this error:
Your download manager may be configured incorrectly - please check your settings.
any suggestions?
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: December 12th, 2007 01:39 am (UTC) (Link)
That's pretty much MegaUpload's standard "please hold, we're being stupid right now" message. Try again in a couple of minutes?
allthelivesofme From: allthelivesofme Date: December 12th, 2007 01:38 am (UTC) (Link)
I think I very much need a "flying-squirrel wineglass beatdown" icon. ;-D
scornedsaint From: scornedsaint Date: December 12th, 2007 01:45 am (UTC) (Link)
An all-week distraction from my finals?

Bless you, Cleolinda.
teirkin From: teirkin Date: December 12th, 2007 03:00 am (UTC) (Link)
Seconded.
From: celli Date: December 12th, 2007 01:50 am (UTC) (Link)
*g*
last_archangel From: last_archangel Date: December 12th, 2007 01:54 am (UTC) (Link)
I adore you, I really do.
jheen From: jheen Date: December 12th, 2007 02:01 am (UTC) (Link)
Does this click count as an additional click toward the total if we've already clicked the normal link for the day or not?

Thanks.
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: December 12th, 2007 02:11 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm afraid not--just one click per day. So really, this is just gravy for people who have already clicked. : )
From: keleri Date: December 12th, 2007 02:02 am (UTC) (Link)
CHRISTOPHER LEE: *Christopher Lees*

*dies and is dead*
bluebren From: bluebren Date: December 12th, 2007 08:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
*joins*
fenm From: fenm Date: December 12th, 2007 02:02 am (UTC) (Link)
[presses 3]

Nice job, Cleolinda. Can't wait to read next part!
amanuensis1 From: amanuensis1 Date: December 12th, 2007 02:03 am (UTC) (Link)
CHRISTOPHER LEE: *Christopher Lees*

I laughed for sixty solid seconds. Oh, my sides. *wipes eyes*
pimpmytardis From: pimpmytardis Date: January 31st, 2008 01:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Longer than Christopher Lee's onscreen appearance!
anne_jumps From: anne_jumps Date: December 12th, 2007 02:03 am (UTC) (Link)
CHRISTOPHER LEE: *Christopher Lees*

Lolllll, that was the best part.
emotionalwench From: emotionalwench Date: December 12th, 2007 02:06 am (UTC) (Link)
Christopher Lee: *Christopher Lees*

That part cracked me up. OMG so true! XD
emotionalwench From: emotionalwench Date: December 12th, 2007 02:07 am (UTC) (Link)
Apparently I am not original at all. :( But at least you know that joke was a big hit!
mariebernadette From: mariebernadette Date: December 12th, 2007 02:19 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, I must make "hoyden" a regularly used word in my vocabulary now. I learneded it on Cleolinda!
(Deleted comment)
cleolinda From: cleolinda Date: December 12th, 2007 02:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Aw! You know, I think that might actually help Erin's download count...
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