1. I really liked the movie.
2. I don't know when I'll do another one or what it will be. These things kind of just... happen. I can't force it, so I can't take requests, either.
3. Haven't done Golden Compass icons yet (eeek, sorry about that). I'll... do a double batch or something.
4. Last I heard, Erin hadn't had her surgery yet, but an anonymous donor gave her $9000 (!), so she will be able to pay for it.
5. As always: linking and quoting is cool. Posting the whole thing is not.
Beth’s Dad’s Apartment, In Which Beth’s Dad Does Not Seem to Live
[Timestamp: 6:42 AM, April 2007. Or a month before 1/18/08. Something, I’m not sure. A young woman is draped over a bed, tastefully covered by a sheet, asleep.]
GAGGLE OF PRETEENS BEHIND ME: Ewwww, it’s a NUDIE PART!
[And that was when I started contemplating homicide.]
CAMERA-ROB: Here I am, wandering around Beth’s dad’s apartment filming all their knick-knacks, because the only thing better than scoring the girl of my dreams is creeping around her house like a freak.
[Rob and Beth eat strawberries in bed and throw them at each other and are generally schmoopy.]
CAMERA-ROB: What do you mean, you’ve never been to Coney Island? We should totally go!
BETH: Sure, that sounds like fun…
CAMERA-ROB: WE SHOULD GO RIGHT NOW!
Rob’s Apartment, One Month Later
LILY: I hope this surprise party I planned for Rob, who is moving to Japan, goes well! What about you, Rob’s hotass brother who I am dating?
JASON: Why yes, attractive girlfriend who likes to take care of people, I too hope that my brother Rob’s surprise party goes well! Maybe Beth, that girl Rob really likes, will come!
LILY: Haven’t you heard? Rob and Beth are all weird about each other now.
JASON: How mysterious!
LILY: Here, take this video camera and get people to tell you how much they’ll miss Rob, your brother! Can I trust you to do this?
JASON: Of course! Except for the part where I will pass it off to Hud, our geeky friend!
HUD: Dude… I’m decorating over here.
JASON: Look! It’s Marlena, the girl you have a crush on!
CAMERA-HUD: Whoa… there’s, like… stuff already on this tape.
Stuff Already on This Tape
CAMERA-ROB: We’re on a train! I love trains! I love being on trains with you, Beth!
BETH: So, do you think you’ll take that job in Japan?
CAMERA-ROB: I don’t know… it’s on the other end of the world, and I’ll be away from… my friends.
BETH: Oh, Rob! It’s such a great opportunity, you shouldn’t pass it up!
CAMERA-ROB: … Oh.
EVERYONE: Happy farewell party, Rob!
ROB: Beth! Beth!
[While Rob and Beth argue in the hallway, Camera-Hud continues collecting farewell testimonials.]
CAMERA-HUD: So Jason said that Lily said that Rob said that he and Beth did the sex, but then something happened and they’re not speaking anymore and it’s all tragic because Rob’s been promoted to VP of marketing for Slusho or some shit and it means he has to move to Japan and we’re all gonna miss him, which is why I’m following people around with a camera, ’cause we’re gonna miss him. You wanna talk about how much you’re gonna miss him?
MARLENA: Look, I’ve only met Rob, like, twice. I don’t even know who Beth is.
CAMERA-HUD: Oh. So… you wanna talk about how much you’re gonna miss him?
MARLENA: What’s your name again?
MARLENA: I need another drink.
CAMERA-HUD: … I love you…?
[Back inside, Beth has decided to quit fighting while they’re ahead.]
BETH: Good luck in Japan, Rob.
THE MOMENT ROB WILL REGRET FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE: Good luck tonight, Travis.
Outside on the Fire Escape of Pout
JASON: So… you slept with Beth, the girl of your dreams, took her to Coney Island, and… didn’t speak to her again.
ROB: I was moving to Japan! I didn’t want to hurt her!
JASON: How are you smart enough to be VP of anything?
HUD: Dude, you are kind of a douche.
GAGGLE OF PRETEENS BEHIND ME: Ewwww, he said a DIRTY WORD!
ROB: *hangs head*
JASON [inside]: Turn on the TV! They always have news reports about exactly what you want to know!
NEWS ANCHOR: We’re hearing that earthquakes are rocking the city…
LILY: Should we go stand in some doorways, or go to the basement?
MARLENA: I don’t know, I’m not from California.
NEWS ANCHOR: ... capsizing an oil tanker—we bring you live footage now…
ROB: Dude! I bet we can watch from the roof in perfect comfort and safety!
On the Roof
[A giant fireball off in the distance rains flaming debris upon the city. Which happens to include Rob’s apartment. Thus commences the Running of the Stupid
ROB: GO GO GO GO GO!
[And then the head of the Statue of Liberty, pitted with clawmarks, bounces down the street.]
ROB: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
[Everyone stands around and takes cameraphone pictures of it.]
ROB: Hud! HUD! We gotta get out of here!
CAMERA-HUD: Hang on, man, I gotta upload this to YouTube.
ROB: Beth! I gotta get hold of Beth!
[Then Empire State Building collapses and debris 9/11s down the street in a tsunami of dust. And then—they hear the roar. They see the giant, knuckle-dragging foot. I mean, I’m guessing they do, because we don’t actually see it. Apparently the production crew referred to the monster as “Clover,” but we’re going to call it Darwin, because it single… six-handedly removes a large amount of stupid from the gene pool.]
Some Convenience Store
EVERYONE: *hides behind the snack rack*
JASON: Rob! Rob! I saw it! It’s alive! It’s huge!
ROB: It’s a lion?
JASON: NO! IT’S—
HUD: THIS IS NOT IN ANY WAY CONVENIENT!
[After Darwin has passed through, the gang catches up with Marlena, who is wandering around in the street, covered in dust, wild-eyed. She has seen The Unspeakable.]
LILY: Are you okay? Did you see it? What did it look like?
MARLENA: It… it does not… have very good table manners.
The Brooklyn Bridge
[Rob, Jason, Lily, Marlena and Camera-Hud are trying to escape, like pretty much the rest of Manhattan. We don’t actually care about anyone else at the party, so they’re not here.]
SOME HELICOPTER: PLEASE REMAIN CALM AND FLEE IN AN ORDERLY FASHION!
ROB [on cellphone]: Beth? Beth? Beth? Beth?! DAMN YOU, VERIZON!
DARWIN TAILSMASH: WHIP-CHAAAA!
[… which takes out the bridge, a few hundred screaming New Yorkers, and Rob’s hotass brother (nooooo!).]
Back in Manhattan
[Forced to turn back, Rob and Lily pause the gang’s flight to mourn Jason. Meanwhile, the citizens cope with urban chaos in a time-honored fashion: looting.]
CAMERA-HUD: Rob, dude! Now is not the time to snag a Wii!
[But no, Rob has dashed into an electronic store to search feverishly for a cellular battery compatible with his phone. Meanwhile, Camera-Hud watches the news on a display TV.]
NEWS ANCHOR: I understand that we’re now seeing the creature…CAMERA-HUD: Rob! Rob! We gotta go, man!
SERGEANT SOMEONE: … using this skyscraper as a scratching post, yes. We’ve sent out for some catnip and a very large ball of yarn, which should be here momentarily. With any luck, we may be able to trade a flea dip for the safety of OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY VISCERAAAARRRRGHHHHASLDKFJASLDFKJ!
[Giant spiderlice jump off the monster and snarfle the soldiers on TV into itty bitty pieces.]
NEWS ANCHOR: … And now, back to John with the weather.
WEATHERMAN: Well, I’m seeing a 100% chance of GIANT FUCKING MONSTERS, Roma.
[Finally, Rob is able to work his phone and listen to Beth’s voicemail message, which is a weepy “Rob… I’m bleeding… and I can’t move! Can you… come help me…?”]
ROB: Beth bleeding Beth Beth help trapped must go MUST GO!
The Opposite of Safety
[Rob trudges off into the night towards Beth’s apartment. Hud follows Rob because he wants to record “how it went down,” and Lily follows Rob, because Rob is like a brother to her, and Marlena follows Lily, because she’s sure as hell not going to wander around a monster-chewed Manhattan by herself.]
LILY: Rob? Do you think it’s at all significant that crowds of people are running and screaming in the opposite direction? I’m just asking.
[A bunch of soldiers and a tank are firing at a giant leg, but it doesn’t seem to be doing much good. Also, it’s coming closer and it's really heavy and it’s really fast.]
ROB: TO THE SUBWAY!
Down in the Subway
[And then Rob and Jason’s mom calls to see if they’re all right.]
ROB: Yeah, Mom… about that…
CAMERA-HUD: So… can I comfort you, or anything?
MARLENA: What was your name again?
[We pause for their grief.]
ROB: Hey, look at the subway map! We’re on the 6! We can totally walk through the tunnels to Beth’s from here!
LILY: But—I’m wearing four-inch heels and Marlena is wearing platform boots and it’s, like, a hundred thousand miles to Beth’s and it’s toward the monster and—
ROB: BETH BETH BETH BETH BETH!
An Actual Conversation They Have in the Subway
CAMERA-HUD: I’m just saying, it would be really creepy if some flaming hobo jumped out at us right now—
Some Hours Later
ROB: Lily, how are you holding up?
LILY: I can’t feel my legs.
[Suddenly, a flood of rats come racing down the tunnel.]
THE AUDIENCE: omg run.
[While the girls are squeaming, the tunnel lights go out.]
MARLENA: Hey, do you guys hear that?
THE AUDIENCE: RUN!
CAMERA-HUD: Here, lemme turn on the night vision—
THE AUDIENCE: Don’t turn on the night vision! DON’T TURN ON THE NIGHT VISION! RUN! RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!
LILY: What is that?
SOME RAT: RUN, DUMBASS!
FIFTEEN GIANT SPIDERLICE: Hiiiiiiii.
[Somehow, the gang manages not to die. Marlena gets chomped through the shoulder, but goes back to beat spiderlice off Hud with a piece of rail. The real shock isn’t that Marlena gets bitten; it’s that no one else does. The other three stagger away with gouges and mild gnawings.]
Some Break Room Upstairs
[Lily ministers to Marlena’s deep, scary wounds with a bottle of water while Rob and Camera-Hud discuss their options.]
CAMERA-HUD: So… we can die back there, or we can die in here, or we can die up there.
ROB: Pretty much.
LILY: Who says we would die in here? I love it here! There’s water and snack machines and Mountain Dew in here!
ROB: Beth is dying!
LILY: I don’t want to leave the Mountain Dew! Mountain Dew doesn’t want me to die out there! Mountain Dew will keep me safe! I LOVE YOU, MOUNTAIN DEW!
[Rob strikes up another song in the key of Beth minor.]
Some Department Store
[Who knew subways had department stores? First floor: triage department!]
SOME SOLDIER: Civilians! COME WITH US.
MARLENA: Can we grab some sensible shoes first—
SOME SOLDIER: NO!
MARLENA [bleeding from ears]: But… I would really like some shoes.
[Some guy is wheeled by with his torso blown out. OMINOUS.]
MARLENA [bleeding from eyes]: Maybe… some sneakers…
DOCTOR: WE GOT A BITE OVER HERE!
[A HAZMAT team swoops in and drags Marlena into a tent, where she screams and struggles and EXPLODES WTF?]
GAGGLE OF PRETEENS BEHIND ME: EWWWWW!
CAMERA-HUD: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
ROB: Um, excuse me, can we get back to the girl I have no chance of ever seeing again?
SOME SOLDIER: Evacuation this way!
ROB: But I have to save my friend! She’s up in a building on Whatever Street, dying!
SOME SOLDIER: Whatever Street? Son… that’s a lost cause right there.
SOME SOLDIER: FINE! Look, we’re going to bring the hammer down on the whole borough at 0600 hours.
LILY: All of Manhattan?
SOME SOLDIER: Look, it only cost $24 in the first place, insurance’ll cover it. If you can get back by 0600, you can come with us. Good luck and Godspeed!
Beth’s Dad’s Apartment’s Building
[And now we find out why Beth’s building is a lost cause: Darwin apparently hip-checked it on his way through, and it’s now propped up by the building next door.]
CAMERA-HUD: If we were really stupid, we could go up the building that isn’t leaning and climb over.
ROB: Excellent! She’s on the thirty-seventh floor.
LILY: Oh, hell to the high-heeled no!
Thirty-Seven Stories Later
ROB: Beth! BETH! I have come to save you!
[Beth is lying under a pile of debris, her shoulder impaled on a length of rebar. She is totally dead.]
LILY: What THE SHIT.
LILY: Kiss the bitch and see if that does anything!
[Fortunately, Beth was only mostly dead.]
BETH: Oh, Rob… you actually came to save me!
ROB: Everything’s gonna be all right now, Beth, we’re going to get this rebar out and get you out of here—
BETH: Noooo! It hurts! I don’t want to go! It’s pretty nice up here, there’s Mountain Dew, we can just stay—
LILY: BITCH, I JUMPED ONTO A BUILDING FOR YOU! HEAVE!
[They lift Beth up off the rebar and start making the long trek over to the upright building and down thirty-seven flights of stairs, beating down a stray spiderlouse on the way. And then, they actually make it to the evacuating helicopters.]
SOME SOLDIER: Wow, I can’t believe you actually—RUN! IT’S COMING!
[The gang runs like hell—even Beth, even in pain, finds a giant monster pretty good incentive to walk it off. Lily’s thrown into one helicopter and Hud, Rob and Beth are put on another, where they have an excellent view of the rampage in progress. Finally, we get a decent aerial view of the monster. It’s gray and hairless and kind of looks like a gorilla… cave troll… toad-amander… thing. And then they bomb the shit out of it. It goes down in a massive cloud of flame. Darwin is dead, the rest of Manhattan is saved from the hammerdown, and the gang flies over the monster (wait, over the monster?) to safety.]
CAMERA-HUD: AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!
DARWIN: FIREPROOF IMPLAUSIBILITYSMASH!
[Well, now they’ve just made it mad.]
Sometime Later, Daylight
[Camera-Hud and Beth drag Rob out of a mass of helicopter wreckage. Lily’s helicopter does not lie in pieces a few feet away because she gets away and marries a cousin of Rob and Jason’s and has ten thousand hotass babies. I NEED TO BELIEVE THIS.]
ROB: Oh shit! It’s coming!
[The gang is running across Central Park when Hud drops the camera and runs back to get it. HE DROPS THE CAMERA. AND RUNS BACK. TO GET IT. HE DROPS THE CAMERA AND RUNS BACK TO GET IT.]
CAMERA-HUD’S LAST WORDS: Oh… shit.
[Hud looks up at the monster. The monster looks down at Hud. Hud looks up at the monster. Natural selection ensues.]
DARWIN: OM NOM NOM NOM.
GAGGLE OF PRETEENS BEHIND ME: NOOOOOOOO!
[Darwin wanders away, picking his teeth with a tibia. Rob screams over Hud’s body, which is not… all there. Beth, the only person who seems to have any sense of self-preservation, drags him away.]
Under Some Bridge, 6:42 AM
CAMERA-ROB: My name is Robert Hawkins, and if you’re watching this, well—then you know more about what happened than I do.
THE AUDIENCE: *laughs and laughs and laughs*
CAMERA-ROB: So, uh, they’re about to bomb the city, and we’re probably not gonna make it. I love you, Mom. Is there anyone you want to say goodbye to, Beth?
CAMERA-BETH [sobbing]: I don’t want to die! I was perfectly happy being dead at home!
CAMERA-ROB: Uh… you better let me have the camera back, then.
[Rob sets the camera up so it can record their final moments and he has both hands free to schmoop. The preteens behind me chat about where they’re going after the movie.]
ROB: I love you, Beth!
BETH: I love you, Rob!
[Rocks fall, everyone dies.]
GAGGLE OF PRETEENS BEHIND ME: Aww, COME ON!
[And then I killed them with my bare hands.]
Come and Watch the Plot Points Fall at Scenic Coney Island!
BETH: What? Where?
ROB: Don’t worry, I didn’t see it either.
[Rob and Beth snuggle in April, and it is tragic.]
[Please, enjoy these twelve minutes of Monster Opera.]
After the Credits, If You’re Still There
DYING THROES!ROB [audio only]: Help… us…
IF YOU RUN IT BACKWARDS: The MPAA sends a SWAT team to your house for illegally recording a motion picture.
IF YOU GET TO LISTEN TO IT FIRST: It’s still alive…!
COMING IN 2009: CLOVERFIELD 2: ATOMIC BOOGALOO.
ROB [audio only]: Hey… guys…? Seriously…? A little help here…?
© 2008 Cleolinda Jones.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License. Brief quotations and journal icons are considered fair use; you are welcome to make or use them.