productive
copperbadge and otterdance!) My name is misspelled, and Neil Gaiman will probably crush us all, but I've never been nominated for a thing before, so that's pretty awesome. Voting ends on--4/15, I think?So. PREVIOUSLY ON MOVIES IN FIFTEEN MINUTES, FOR REASONS THAT WILL LATER BE APPARENT: Troy! King Arthur! 300! A couple of Twilight things! So... here's a palate cleanser before Eclipse, I guess.
Once Upon a Time, On an Ancient Greek Fishing Boat, IN 3-D
BABY PERSEUS: Not-Dad, all the other fisherkids make fun of me because I just washed up in a box with my dead mom and you're not my real dad.
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SPYROS: I love you, Not-Son, and I will love you for all five minutes of the rest of my life.
BABY PERSEUS: Aw, Not-Dad, you're the best.
The Bay of Big No, Argos
SOME ARGOSIAN: I hate those all-knowing, all-powerful gods who smite us when we complain!
SOME OTHER ARGOSIAN: LET'S COMPLAIN SOME MORE!
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SOME ARGOSIAN: DOWN WITH GODS!
SOME OTHER ARGOSIAN: GODS AND STATUES!
SPYROS: Damn straight! Someone oughtta take a stand! Particularly against the gods who tend to show up and kill everyone!
MARMARA: Don't say things like that! You don't know! Hades could show up with a flock of hellbats and drown the whole family! IN 3-D!
SPYROS: Oh, come on, we're not the ones actually tearing down the statue of Zeus. We're just complaining in general. Pass me the popcorn, we'll be fine.
Five Minutes Later
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PERSEUS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Mount Olympus
ZEUS: You know, you try to raise your mortals right. You give them the world, and what do they do? Complain all the time and lead armies against you and knock your statues down. Wah wah wah "take a stand" wah. Take a stand against WHAT? HOW? We are GODS!
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POSEIDON: Well, YOU made them. Maybe you shouldn't have made them STUPID.
HADES: Can I torment them? Can I? Can I can I can I?
ZEUS: I--just--whatever. I am so totally over this human thing.
HADES: YAY
Some Palace, Argos
[King Eudorus and Queen Atia of the Julii are having a big Down With Gods! IN 3-D party, but for some reason, their daughter's being a big buzzkill over the fact that most of their soldiers came back dead from the statue-toppling excursion. (Also, there's some wild-eyed Prophet of Crazy who keeps wailing about titans and clashing, so no one cares about him.) So Andromeda is trying to chat up the new guy they fished out of the ocean when Atia starts talking smack:]
QUEEN ATIA: My daughter's prettier than nereids! My daughter's prettier than goddesses! Yeah, that's right! My daughter's so pretty, Thetis isn't even IN this movie!
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PRINCESS ANDROMEDA: MOOOOOOOM, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING MEEEEEE
GIANT LORD HADESMORT
I HAVE COME FOR YOUR SOLDIERS AND YOUR SCENERY
OM NOM NOM
[And when he's done snarfling the Argosians who did come back into a giant cloud of carnivorous smoke (as you do), he turns to Atia of the Julii:]
GIANT LORD HADESMORT
~CRONED!~
P.S. LEAVE ANDROMEDA FOR THE KRAKEN
~CRONED!~
P.S. LEAVE ANDROMEDA FOR THE KRAKEN
KING EUDORUS: Hey, you want the new guy? You can totally have the new guy!
GIANT LORD HADESMORT
NO, I THINK I'M RELATED TO HIM
BUT THANKS
NO, I THINK I'M RELATED TO HIM
BUT THANKS
Mount Olympus
HADES [picking scenery out of teeth]: By the way, there's a new demigod running around in Argos.
ALL THE OTHER GODS: ...
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HERA: ZEUS!!
Some Prison Cell, Argos
[Everyone noticed that Hades didn't touch Perseus, so they deduce that he is a demigod (BOOOOO, DOWN WITH DEMIGODS), and he can just cool his heels in the dungeon until he agrees to be their hero and save Argos from the kraken. Hey, he has a visitor!]
PERSEUS: Wait, who are you?
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IO: I'm a Goddess of Back Story.
PERSEUS: You got a lot of it?
IO: Oh yeah. Think you can handle it?
PERSEUS: Try me, baby.
IO: So back in the day at the beginning of the movie we had this voiceover about how there were Titans but then their kids Zeus, Poseidon and Hades rebelled and Hades created a Scandinavian monster out of his hellflesh to defeat them but then Zeus and Poseidon booted him down to... y'know... Hades and decided they'd create some mortals and run their batteries off the people's love but Hades got stuck with the people's fear, but he's stinking hideous so that worked out pretty well, and then there was this flashback where King Acrisius was trying to fight Zeus with a big army, because that totally works with all-knowing, all-powerful deities, so then Zeus stole King Arthur's back story and dressed up like Acrisius and sexed up Danaë and then he turned into an eagle and flew away--
PERSEUS: Wait, I thought the story was about Danaë and a shower of gold, and she was a king's daughter, not a king's wife...?
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IO: You really want to be conceived in a golden shower?
PERSEUS: Point.
IO: SO ANYWAY your not-dad, I mean Angry King Not-Dad not the Nice Fisherman Not-Dad who actually raised you, he threw your pregnant mom into a box (it was actually a pretty nice box) and called Zeus out so Zeus fried him with a lightning bolt and that electrified Angry King Not-Dad with 'roid rage or something and he hurled the big fancy box into the sea and I guess she birthed you in there before she died and you two washed up and you ate your own placenta to survive, I'm not entirely sure how that worked--
PERSEUS: THAT IS GROSS
IO: --but I guess you were self-cleaning because you were all baby-fresh when Spyros found you. I know, because I was there. I was standing right there on the beach watching, because whenever ago Poseidon tried to seduce me but I said no but apparently he didn't feel like stealing someone else's legend or turning into a seagull to tap that because he just cursed me with immortality instead, and I go around telling people it sucks watching everyone get old and die just to make them feel better, but actually it's pretty sweet--the last twenty, maybe thirty years, I've just followed you around everywhere you went and watched over you, waiting for you to grow up and become a hero. When you were a kid, sometimes, in the middle of the night, I'd just pull up my driftwood rocking chair into a dark corner and watch you sleep--
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PERSEUS: GUARDS! GUARDS!! I'M READY TO GO NOW!!
It's Not a Quest Without Companion Dudes
[ROLL CALL! Draco, the crusty leader who had a hawk in King Arthur! Solon, the older guy I spent half the movie thinking might somehow be Bernard Hill! Eusebios, the younger Hot Brother! Ixas, the older Hot Brother! I mean, I guess they're brothers, because this kind of movie always has a couple of Hot Brothers. And God(s) bless them for it.]
DRACO: So. Gotta go find the Stygian Witches and ask them what to do before the kraken gets here at eclipse o'clock--
PERSEUS: Hey, also, I wanna kill Hades.
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DRACO: You want to kill Hades, the god of death? Awesome. Pretty boys, some cannon fodder, a snarky old dude, and Boy Genius over here. I can't BELIEVE I upgraded my braids for this.
SOME REDSKIRT: You know, I'm really excited about going on a legendary adventure. I've always wanted to fight in a bunch of action scenes, get some really good closeups, come up with a catchphrase or something, maybe even end up with the princess's slightly less attractive handmaiden...
EUSEBIOS: Oh... man, I hate to break it to you, but...
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IXAS: ... shhhhh. Let him dream.
PERSEUS: Hey, weren't you the guy with the crazy eyes in Sherlock Holmes? That was a pretty good movie. I had one that came out around the same time. You might have heard of it--it was, you know, THE BIGGEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME.
IXAS: BITE ME, CAT BOY
DRACO: OKAY, LISTEN UP! Anything we're gonna need on this godsforsaken trip, you gotta pack it NOW. Swords, spears, shields, spare sandals, sixpack-shaped armor, all of it--okay, sure, Chatty Cathy can come. Yeah, I guess we have room for two comic relief guys you found in the street. No, leave the Prophet of Crazy here, he gives me the wig. No, I don't think you need to bring your Snuggie, we're going into THE DESERT. NO, I DON'T THINK THERE WILL BE WIFI FOR YOUR KINDLE--
SOME MECHANICAL OWL: WHIRRRRRRRR click click?
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DRACO: NO! *BOOT*
Mount Olympus
[And that's why Athena stormed out of the movie.]
That Scene Where the Hero Learns How Not to Get Dead
DRACO: Do you even know which hand the sword goes in?
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PERSEUS: No, but you put me in front of that kraken, I can fish the shit out of it.
[And then it turns out that Perseus has a really good learning curve.]
DRACO: Huh, usually it takes a lot longer to get from "I knock you on your ass" to "Somehow you pwn me."
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PERSEUS: I didn't spend all that time as a blue cat guy and not learn a little something about kicking ass.
[Over at the campfire, the gang has stopped for snacks and music--]
SOLON: I said NO MORE FLUTE SOLOS, JETHRO
[--while Zeus keeps just "leaving" magical things "around" for Perseus to "find."]
PERSEUS: I don't wanna be a god, I wanna be a MAN! YOU CAN'T BUY MY LOVE, DAD!
DRACO: Zeus left you a fancy magic lightsaber and you just threw it away?
PERSEUS: HE WAS NEVER THERE FOR ME!!
DRACO: Look, whether you want to accept your natural awesomeness or not, you are the son of a god, which will help us NOT GET DEAD.
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PERSEUS: I don't wanna be awesome! I WANNA BE LIKE YOU GUYS!
Hades (The Place)
HADES (THE GUY): Hark, Acrisius! I stand before you in this grimdark lair where you have suffered, lo these many years, to tell you that the bastard son of Zeus by your queen yet lives! Arise, my hideous lightning-struck minion, and avenge yourself!
ACRISIUS: SWEET.
HADES: And now, go forth with all speed and gnarliness, and be named Calibos!
ACRISIUS: Why?
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HADES: 'Cuz.
Some Twinkly Magical Glade
IO: Look! Zeus left you all these pega... su... ses... si... HE LEFT YOU A BUNCH OF HORSYBIRDS.
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PERSEUS: What is this fluffy-bunny Lisa Frank bullshit! I DON'T WANT A PONY!
[And then, all the fluffy feathery twinkletoe pegasi flutter away, because here comes A GIANT BLACK STALLION.]
PERSEUS: YEAH
IO: No man has ever ridden a pegasus, but I hear you got your Hero License to Ride Things in that other movie?
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PERSEUS: I WILL NAME HIM BADASS... THE DESTROYER.
SOME REDSKIRT: HELP HELP I AM DYING BEFORE THE ACTION EVEN STARTS!
[And then Perseus' new pony flies away. Woe.]
FINALLY, AN ACTION SCENE
[Acrisibos or Calisius or whatever we're calling him now boots Perseus down a mountain and then there's a lot of lionesque snarling and elbow-biting and hair-pulling IN 3-D and then Draco leaps sideways upside-down at Calisibos and feets him in the head, which I didn't even know you could do, and slices off his hand, so Calibos makes a run for it, and Perseus
PERSEUS: WELL IF YOU'D TOLD ME THAT DUDE COULD SUMMON GIANT SCORPIONS WITH HIS BLOOD, MAYBE WE WOULDN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW!
[All the redskirts immediately die. The Comedy Brothers are comic, and then they run away. The characters who have names attack the scorpions with swords and shields and spears and sandals and thigh muscles and brotherhood and Draco's riding one of them like a rodeo and I appreciate this deeply and Io throws some rocks at one and Kermit-flails around for a while and then finally Perseus pops up out of the boss scorpion like a stripper out of the worst birthday cake ever. And then there are EVEN GIANTER SCORPIONS and Our Heroes are all like DAMMIT WE JUST FINISHED THIS LEVEL, and then these scary hooded guys ride up on pimped-out caravan scorpions, and it turns out they're Djinns, who talk like Wookiees, and live for hundreds of years, and are made out of demon fire and driftwood, and only Io can understand them, because, oh, why not.]
IO: He said, "Welcome to Tatooine"?
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SOLON: That is the biggest Jawa I've ever seen.
Later That Night
[Oh no! Caliwhatsit bit Perseus in the elbow so we're going back to that now! "Hades' venom"! Burning! NARRRRRRGHHHH! Oh no, one of the djinns is trying to BURN PERSEUS UP IN THE ELBOW, I MEAN, THAT IS CERTAINLY THE CONCLUSION WE SHOULD JUMP TO, LET'S TRY TO FIGHT HIM EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN'T FIGHT THEM OR SOMETHING WHATEVER THIS IS POINTLESS AND ALSO the blue fire is the healing fire, duh, so now Perseus is fine and everyone's friends. Maybe if you'd do more than just groan, Jawbacca, we could get on with this.]
Scenic Tatooine
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[For the next ten minutes of screen time, Our Heroes and their giant scorpion caravan lurrrrrch towards the next plot point.]
IXAS: *HWORF*
The Stygian Witches
[They've got, like, air conditioner vents instead of faces, and they think Eusebios looks really, really tasty. I cannot disprove this hypothesis.]
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PERSEUS: TELL ME SHIT OR THE EYE GETS IT
WITCH ONE: the only way to defeat the kraken
WITCH TWO: is to kill it with Medusa's heaaaaaad
WITCH THREE: it's covered in snaaaaaakes
WITCH ONE: it turns you to stooooone
WITCH TWO: good luck with that
PERSEUS: Great. Anything else?
WITCH THREE: p.s. you're totally going to diiiiiiiie
EVERYONE: D:<
The Intersection of Low Morale Street and Woe Road
[Perseus is stomping down from the mountain all frownyface when A Hooded Stranger approaches:]
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ZEUS: Here, kid. Charon's on me.
PERSEUS: I thought you were over this humanity thing.
ZEUS: Well, I mean, you are still my kid and all.
PERSEUS: What's the point? All I'm gonna do is die.
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ZEUS: You know that the witches only tell the truth on the first question, right?
PERSEUS: :D
ZEUS: Yeah--the way it works is, everyone dies but you.
PERSEUS: D:
The City of Argos
[... is beset by strife and woe, so Andromeda takes a single loaf of bread down from her obscenely opulent palace and starts dividing it among umpteen dozen starving orphans. Hey! What's that crowd in front of Hades' temple?]
PROPHET OF CRAZY: All hail Lord Hadesmort! The god of death will keep us alive, I'm sure of it!
THE ARGOSIANS: ...
PROPHET OF CRAZY: LOOK I'M BURNING MY ARM IN A FIRE
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THE ARGOSIANS: WELL THAT HAS TOTALLY CONVINCED US
PROPHET OF CRAZY: ALL HAIL LORD HADESMORT!
THE ARGOSIANS: ALL HAIL!
PROPHET OF CRAZY: FEED ANDROMEDA TO THE KRAKEN!
THE ARGOSIANS: WOOOOOOOOO!!
ANDROMEDA'S SLIGHTLY LESS ATTRACTIVE HANDMAIDEN: My lady, we must flee!
ANDROMEDA: No, I must sacrifice myself for my people! Besides, that new guy we fished out of the ocean will totally come back and rescue me. I mean, he's my love interest. It's canon.
ANDROMEDA'S HANDMAIDEN: But... he's got more chemistry with the ageless chick, and all your scenes with him got cut.
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ANDROMEDA [as citizens tie her up]: ... oh, shit.
Mount Olympus
APOLLO: You know, I really feel kind of bad for--
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ZEUS: SHUT IT, APOLLO
The River Styx
IO: So I sense that you've got a back story.
DRACO: Yeah, gods killed my daughter. She was only sixteen.
EVERYONE: *emo tear IN 3-D*
DRACO: But it is not my time to meet her yet. Unless it is, in which case I intend to go down smiling like a badass.
PERSEUS: Well now that you've SAID THAT, it is! Didn't you learn anything from Lancelot?
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DRACO: No, I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome I was.
IO: It's true.
IXAS: Dude, that was a sweet-ass hawk.
PERSEUS: HELLO, CAN WE GO NOW?
DRACO: What, you gonna pay Charon with Daddy's money?
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EVERYONE: OHHHHHHH, BURNNNNNN
The Sexual Tension Portion of the Movie
IO: So while we're being ferried across the Styx, I brought you below deck to hit you with a Medusa infodump. She used to be Natalia Vodianova, but then Poseidon jumped her in a temple and Athena got all victim-blamey so now she's a big serpent lady with reptile frizz and a whiplash tail and she's PISSED OFF. Not unreasonably, I might add. Let's not even talk about how much time she spends deep-conditioning.
PERSEUS: OW!
IO: Pay attention, or you're going to get dead. That's how Medusa's going to sneak up on you.
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PERSEUS: She's going to spank me?
IO: Hey, you live this long, you learn a few tricks.
That One Speech the Hero Always Gives
THE COMEDY BROTHERS: Hey, Perseus, we made you a scorpion-hide shield. You know, as a farewell present before we chicken out.
IO: Yeah, and I can't go with you because I'm not supposed to die y--I mean, BECAUSE MEDUSA SAID SO. YES.
IXAS: Okay, so... hold up. You're the hero, Perseus. So, by definition, none of us can defeat Medusa, because that's your job. I'm not liking the odds on the rest of us getting out of this alive.
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PERSEUS: Dude, you died in the trailer, don't look at me.
EUSEBIOS: Ixas is right, man. I don't think we have any incentive to do this.
PERSEUS: But see, this is worth it. You gotta go get killed down here in the Mines of Moria or whatever this is, because this is the adventure the redskirts dreamed of, before they died because they weren't important. We're here to fight for freedom. We're here to fight for liberty. We're here to fight for truth, justice, the Argosian way, and the right to trash-talk the gods to their faces. Before Hades smote him for complaining, my not-dad told me: someone has to put an end to this. Someone has to take a stand. Someone has to... Io, did your cloak just... sprout a muppet?
PERSEUS: My point is, you guys are the four awesomest dudes I have ever known. And you, Io, are the stonest fox. And you... I don't know what the fuck you are, but it was real, bro.
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JAWBACCA: *fistbump*
Medusa's Underground Hell Temple
[So of course, everyone else dies. I'm not sure what happens to Solon, I think maybe he falls over or something, and Ixas is all like DON'T LOOK INTO HER EYES so then he does, and Eusebios is all like HOLY SHIT HE JUST LOOKED INTO HER EYES, DON'T LOOK INTO HER EYES so then he does, and then Draco gets cornered and decides to sacrifice himself so HE does, but he turns to stone smiling as promised, and then Jawbacca looks into her eyes but he can do that because he's made of driftwood instead of flesh because they totally have driftwood in the desert and then he pulls open his robe and his electric blue heart explodes on Medusa because... what?]
MEDUSA: *POUT*
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MEDUSA'S HAIR: *pout pout pout pout pout*
[And then finally Perseus gets the bright idea to look in his shield for her reflection, except that... it's the Comedy Brothers' scorpion-skin shield.]
PERSEUS: GODSDAMMIT!
[Fortunately, everyone else sacrificed themselves, did all the work dropping rock pillars on Medusa and blowing up on her, and left Perseus all their stuff, so he sees her in the reflection of someone else's shield and lops her head off. But how's he going to carry her head back to Argos now?]
PERSEUS: Hey! Good thing Solon brought that Snuggie.
Mount Olympus
POSEIDON: I'm supposed to be important, can I--
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ZEUS: NO
Outside Medusa's Underground Hell Temple
[Perseus is the only one to emerge, and Io is just revving up for a good 3-D emo tear WHEN SUDDENLY Acrisiwhatever comes OUT OF FREAKING NOWHERE and kills her, KILLS HER, and Perseus is all RAAAAAA WTF but Calisithing has a swordfork or something and snaps Perseus's weaksauce Argosian sword in half so Perseus finally busts out the Olympian Lightsaber of +3 Selling Out. Finishing move: Stabby Leap in miniskirt time.]
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ACRISIUS: Perseus... forgive me... the gods made me what I am. Don't be an asshole like them. [dies]
PERSEUS: YOU KILLED MY GIRL JUST TO TELL ME THAT?
IO: Perseus... you must go...
PERSEUS: BUT I'VE BEEN SAYING THAT THE WHOLE TIME!!
IO: Perseus...! it's five till action scene...!
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PERSEUS: SERIOUSLY, WAS HE NOT WATCHING THE MOVIE AT ALL???
IO: PERSEUS, GTFO AND LET ME DIE
[And then Badass shows up in the nick of eclipse and swoops Perseus off to save Andromeda and destroy the kraken and kill Hades, hopefully in the next five minutes.]
Mount Olympus
HADES: Is it eclipse yet? Can we release it now? Can we? Can we can we can we?
ZEUS: Fine. ~RELEASE THE KRAKEN.~ Whatever.
[Massive suckered tentacles slither up the halls of Olympus, and a vortex of fangs barfs up a pirate hat.]
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ZEUS: WRONG KRAKEN! SEND UP THE CRAPPY ONE!
HADES: Why are you always so mean to me?
The City of Argos
[Now that the eclipse has started, you'd think they'd evacuate Argos, but there's eleventy thousand teenage girls rioting in front of the Odeon yelling something about a marble Adonis, I don't even know.]
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PROPHET OF CRAZY: I hope you appreciate all the work I put into this place. I mean, it's not easy to build a sacrifice patio on short notice.
ANDROMEDA [hanging from ropes]: Yeah, the restraints are really nice.
PROPHET OF CRAZY: Well, if you're going to get snacked by a hellbeast, you might as well do it in style.
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[Half the movie's budget emerges with an earth-shaking, spittle-spraying, stank-breath roar! It's... kind of a seafaring cave troll. A turtle-faced, spider-eyed, tentacular cave troll. IN 3-D.]
PROPHET OF CRAZY: Fear not, my people! All the kraken wants is the princess!
[And that's when a giant tentacle smashes down and takes out the waterfront district.]
Mount Olympus
HADES: Hey, guess what! I'm strong enough to take over now because I tricked you into making mortals fear me instead of love you! And now they fear me a LOT. So THERE.
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ZEUS: I still don't understand exactly how that was supposed to work. I mean, we were already existing just fine before they loved us. We don't actually need them to love us. We just... decided it was a thing, I guess?
HADES: ...
ZEUS: ...
HADES: Are we clashing yet? Is this clashing?
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ZEUS: Well, technically, our parents were the titans, but your hellrobes don't go too well with my sparkle armor, so maybe that counts.
What's Left of the City of Argos
[Hades goes to watch the city get whomped while Andromeda is Fay-Wraying around in her restraints trying to get the kraken's attention, possibly making her the only person who ever got mad that she wasn't getting sacrificed fast enough, and right in the middle of Hades' stirring chant of MY KID IS BETTER THAN YOO~UUR KID, Perseus arrives! On his new
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[And then the stone kraken falls onto the city and the Sacrifice Patio topples over into the sea. Uh.]
Some Beach, Argos
[Perseus and Andromeda wash up on the beach, and eventually Perseus comes to after Badass starts whinnying and biting his head, which I think translates as SEAWEED BLOWS, WHERE IS THE GRASS?]
ANDROMEDA: You have saved me and my kingdom from the kraken! I mean, mostly! Come, marry me and be our king, so we can start rebuilding the city!
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PERSEUS: Can I call you "Io" in bed?
Some Cliff, Argos
PERSEUS: So I told her I'd rather be a man than a god.
ZEUS: But--a king is a man. And you're keeping all the stuff I gave you.
PERSEUS: Look, the upshot is, me and Badass are gonna go walk the earth in search of adventures and shit.
ZEUS: BEST SETUP FOR A SEQUEL EVER
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PERSEUS: I KNOW RIGHT
ZEUS: Well, we'll definitely have to get you a new love interest, then--
PERSEUS: DAAAAAAAAAD, I DON'T WANT A NEW ONE, I WANT THE ONE I HAAAAAAD
ZEUS: Well, you know, it's generally not my policy to bring back the dead, and I obviously don't get along with Hades too well--
PERSEUS: Can you bring over that blue space-cat chick?
ZEUS: Son, that's really a bit too close to bestiality for me.
© 2010 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
PERSEUS: SAYS YOU.
ZEUS: HEY LOOK, I BROUGHT IO BACK!
PERSEUS: YOU'RE THE BEST, DAD!
Fin.
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